Category: computers

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.

Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.

“Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses,” explained the driver.

“What did you tell the farmer?” Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, “I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh’s driver and I’d just killed the pig.

10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) – [email protected]

9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) – [email protected]

8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) – [email protected]

7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) – [email protected]

6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) – [email protected]

5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home decorating)- [email protected]

4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) – [email protected]

3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) – [email protected]

2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) – [email protected]

1. Isabelle Haydon Adcoc (Toys “R” Us) – [email protected]

I was working in a wall street investment bank when someone from the information technology group came by our office asking us to enter our passwords in the new software system.

My colleague Barry, with his usual rebellious attitude, entered the password “Penis.”

We all fell on the floor with laugher when the computer replied:

*** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT *****

At last count, Bill Gates had an estimated net worth of $42
billion dollars ($42,000,000,000.000).

He has earned since his birth an average of $32.31per heartbeat,
and this is escalating. Here are some things he could do with
his money:

* Pay NBA MVP Michael Jordan’s salary for 1,394 years.

* Give every man, woman and child on the face of the Earth
$7.46.

* Pay every California Lottery prize for the next 34 years.

* Fund 158 Mars Pathfinder missions.

* Fund the US Department of Education for 19 years.

* Pay tuition for the residents of Seattle and Tacoma to go to
the University of Washington for four years.

* Fund the US presence in the Persian Gulf for 11 months.

* Fund the US peace keeping forces in Bosnia for 157 years.

* Buy 233,346,297 copies of Microsoft Windows 95.

* Buy 1,680,000,000 copies of his own book, buy more with his
royalties from those sales, continuing the cycle and easily the
best selling author of all time.

* Make Hanson the most successful musicians of all time by
buying 3,529,411,765 copies of “Middle of Nowhere.”

* If he wanted to challenge George Lucas (worth only $2
billion), he could make 227 sequels to “Waterworld,” or 35,000
sequels to “Sling Blade.”

* At the median donation for spending a night in the White
House, he coulds tay in the Lincoln Bedroom for 46,300 years.

* If he wanted to go on a killing spree in Los Angeles County,
at the rate that Simpson was charged, he could kill 3,360
people and pay all his attorney fees and punitive damages.

* At the rate of 1/2 ounce per $27 million, he could pay Mike
Tyson to eat 1/5 of Evander Holyfield.

* He could fly from Seattle to Paris and back on Air France
45,258,621 times.

* If he wanted to go to a local baseball game, he could buy
Seattle Mariners season tickets, all of them, for 411 years,
and with his spare change could buy the team and the Kingdome.

* At Denny’s, he could buy a “Grand Slam Slugger Breakfast” for
9,150,326,797 people.

* If he couldn’t get service, he could buy every man, woman and
child in China a Big Mac Extra Value Meal, as long as no one
“Super Sizes.”

* If they preferred, he could buy 17 billion packages of Top
Ramen noodles.

* He must like coffee, and could buy over 6 billion pounds of
French roast at his local Starbuck’s.

* Speaking of a cup of coffee, he could support one of those
Sally Struther’s foreign kids for 113,341,969 years. Perhaps
what he need to spend money on most is a new pair of glasses
and some hair conditioner.

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key
3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of
2.
5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:WINDOWS C:WINDOWSGO C:PCCRAWL
9. C:DOS C:DOSRUN RUNDOSRUN
10. -{—– The information went data way ——–[
11. Best file compression around: “DEL .” = 100% compression
12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding
14. The name is Baud……, James Baud.
15. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
16. Access denied–nah nah na nah nah!
17. C: Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
19. Why doesn’t DOS ever say “EXCELLENT command or filename!”
20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21. Southern DOS: Y’all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22. Backups? We don’ NEED no steenking backups.
23. E Pluribus Modem
24. … File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the Etherbunny
26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/n)?
29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30. A computer’s attention span is as long as it’s power cord.
31. 11th commandment – Covet not thy neighbor’s Pentium.
32. 24 hours in a day…24 beers in a case…coincidence?
33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
35. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
36. Who’s General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
39. Shell to DOS…Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS…
40. All computers wait at the same speed.
41. DEFINITION: Computer – A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42. Go ahead, make my data!
43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…..
44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…
45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46. E-mail returned to sender — insufficient voltage.
47. Help! I’m modeming… and I can’t hang up!!!
48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50. “640K ought to be enough for anybody.” – Bill Gates, 1981
51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
52. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
53. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…
54. Press any key…… no, No, NO!! Not THAT one!
55. Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue …

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.

The computer scientist says, “It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My wife thinks I’m with my mistress. My mistress thinks I’m home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

What the world is like in TV land:

1. If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.

2. Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.

3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
4. The suburbs are exciting.
5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
6. Good guys are always outnumbered.
7. Good guys always win and get the girl.
8. Good guys are always good looking.
9. Ugly people are always bad guys.
10. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.
11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
12. Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.
13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor.
14. Cars will explode in all accidents.
15. Everyone has a dark secret.
16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
17. Haunted houses are never locked.
18. The police are smart.
19. Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.
20. All Asian people know Karate.
21. Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
22. Rich people are unhappy and evil.
23. Teenagers are smarter than their parents.
24. Indians make good cannon fodder.
25. Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.

26. Computers never crash.
a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their PC’s.
b) Computers know everything.
c) The same 2 keys are used to do everything
d) The user is typing constantly just to display screens of info

27. When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth.

28. No one farts, except after eating beans.
29. Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 bad guys.

30. Bad guys make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but never stick around to see if it works.

31. Christmas Eve and Halloween night last for three or four days.
32. Movies based on true stories are made up.
33. Police never wait for back-up.
34. Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.
35. Private detective work is glamorous.

36. All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth and two outs.

37. All police killings are in self-defense.
38. Everyone wins in Las Vegas.
39. Good guys don’t do drugs.

40. The world is teeming with voluptuous, young women who are desperate to have sex with pennyless young guys.

41. Nobody ever has trouble finding good parking spots when they are in a hurry.

42. High School students look thirty years old.
43. Women never do housework, but their homes are always clean.

44. Street vendors’ carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases.
45. Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.
46. To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 min before sunset.

47. Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that everyone that went into that dark cellar never came out.

48. The group always splits up to look for the alien.
49. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot.

50. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will be stretched out for 20 minutes with commercials.

51. The crazed killer always steps out from behind the door without the victim seeing or hearing him until he is about to drive a huge carving knife or pitchfork into them.

52. Whenever someone hears a noise in the dark they always have to check it out.

53. The crazed killer always walks and still catches the person he wants to kill.

54. All people chasing someone can catch up to a constant distance behind them quickly, but can’t use that speed to actually catch the person they’re chasing.

55. No-one ever locks a car when they get out of it (even in New York).

IBM: Idiotic Bit Masher

INTER OFFICE MEMORANDUM
SUBJECT: Solution to Y2K Problem

Factory Networks is pleased to announce the successful completion of a pilot program that was developed to establish a low-cost solution to the Year 2000 issue. In accordance with the wishes of the our manager, at meeting last week, we have been asked to implement this plan on a group-wide basis ASAP. Our new goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.

There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems
2. Reduction in technical problems
3. Major reduction in software costs.
4. Smaller learning curve for our managers.

As part of our continuing effort to be proactive in our customer relations, we are including the most frequently asked questions from our test group from the pilot phase. We believe that these questions cover approximately 99% of the issued involved with the new ‘systems’ – though we recognize it is certainly not foolproof since we all know how ingenious fools are. Should you have questions or concerns with this plan, please contact a member of the system administration team and take it up with them.

How many guys does it take to change a lightbulb

None they let the woman cook in the dark

What do you get when you cross a computer with an ice road?

A hard drive.

After the recent Anti-trust hearings, Bill Gates recently compared the software market with the soft drink market. He says Microsoft is struggling to survive but that the beverage giant will be on top forever because the Department of Justice doesn’t pick on them.

Of course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We might end up with a scenario like the following:

Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, I’d like a Big Mac.

Cashier: Okay, here’s your Big Mac and here’s your Coke. That’ll be $3.99.

Joe: Uh, I don’t want a Coke.

Cashier: Sorry, they’re bundled.

Joe: What? I’m not paying for a Coke!

Cashier: You don’t; the Coke is free.

Joe: But wasn’t a Big Mac $2.49 last week?

Cashier: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. It’s got integrated Coke!

Joe: I already bought a Snapple across the street… I’m not going to drink the Coke.

Cashier: Then you can’t have the burger.

Joe: Okay, fine, I will pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.

Cashier: Oh, you can’t do that. They’re seamlessly integrated. Totally inseparable.

Joe: How can that be? They’re two totally separate things!

Cashier: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?

Joe: Why did you just do that?!

Cashier: It’s a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you’d end up with two different, inconsistent tastes. This way you’re assured of a continuous taste across all your foods.

Joe: Aaarrgh!