Category: computers

REDMOND, Wash. – Oct. 21, 1997 — In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.

“It’s actually a logical extension of our planned growth”, said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, “It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone”. Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be “minimal”.

The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by “Q4 1999 at latest”, according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer. In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had “willingly and enthusiastically” accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as “a relief”. He went on to say that Gates has a “proven track record”, and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their “full support and confidence”. Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft. Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as “silly”, though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would “of course” be Abolished.

“Microsoft isn’t a democracy”, he observed, “and look how well we’re doing”. When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, “We don’t deny that discussions are taking place”. Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.

About Microsoft

Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ “MSFT”) is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day.

About the United States

Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when….

1. You wake up at 4 O’clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys 🙂 in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com

7. You can’t correspond with your mother because she doesn’t have a computer.

8. When your email box shows “no new messages” and you feel really depressed.

9. You don’t know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to netscape before you landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don’t laugh, you just say “LOL, LOL”

13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

1. Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key”
to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking
where the “Any” key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that
her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover
turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later, a letter arrived from the customer
along with photocopies of the floppies.

4. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled
floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked
the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting
up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

5. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in
front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.

7. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was “bad and an invalid.” the
tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid’ responses
shouldn’t be taken personally.

8. An IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support.
“I put in the first disk and that was OK. It said to put in the second
disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in
the third disk, I couldn’t fit it in…” The user hadn’t realized that
“Insert Disk 2” meant to remove Disk 1 first.

Mother bear was showing little bear around the forest
so little bear saw 2 people having fun”what are they doing?” he
asked mother bear said”there baking cake” then he passed by
another couple”what are thaey doing?” he asked again. mother
bear said”They are also baking cake.” so the mother and little
bear went home and went to bed..they woke up and mother and
little bear was eating breakfest”mom I know you and dad was
baking caks yesterday” little bear said.”how do you know?”mother
bear asked. ..”Because I licked the icing off the bed.”..LOL

At the time of writing, Microsoft’s slogan for Windows 95 was “Where do you want to go today?” These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.15. How do you want to crash today?

Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?”

Tech Rep: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”

Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”

Tech Rep: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”

Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”

Tech Rep: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”

Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ‘4X’ on it.”

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off in the drive. Oops!

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Exactly Five Hundred:

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed

7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

17 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

21 to flame the spell checkers

49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the
light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.

106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, “Me Too.”

6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

9 to quote the “Me Too’s” and happily add, “Me Three!”

3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.

53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

My friend at school made a video:

His mom walked into his room with some wrapping paper and
covered his computer, which was still on, with it. She screamed
to him, “Max! It’s Christmas! Come open your present!” He walked
into the room, half asleep, and walked up to the computer,
ripped off the paper, and screamed, “It’s the same damn
computer!”

1. Thou shalt run lint frequently and study its pronouncements with care, for verily its perception and judgement oft exceed thine.

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

Speech Recognition Software Demo

At a recent Sacramento PC User’s Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.

Just then someone in the back of the room yelled,
“Format C: Return.”

Someone else chimed in:
“Yes, Return”

Unfortunately, the software worked…

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

‘Well,’ she said. ‘The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage.’

‘The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day.’

‘The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be.’