Category: computers

Wat do you call a Boomarang which when u throw it it wont come back..?? A Stick!!

Dateline, September 3, 2147Minneapolis — In a rare view of 20th century life, Cyber Archaeologist Ole Anderson of Minneapolis has discovered an extremely rare throwback to the 20th century: an ancient IP version 4 packet containing HTTP –the primitive method that early Internet builders used to transfer data in what predated our now familiar way of communications. Anderson is convinced of the packet’s authenticity since IP version 4 packets have not been seen on the global network in 115 years.”When I discovered the packet”, says Anderson, “I couldn’t believe my eyes. It contained an IP version 4 header which at first I couldn’t decipher. Amazingly, the the contents of the packet are in plain text which means that I didn’t even have to break the primitive crypto algorithms they had in those days. The packet seems to be directed at what was termed a `web site’ and an individual called [email protected]. We are still trying determine what a `ta-tas’ is.”Anderson claims that the packet was trapped in a networking equivalent of suspended animation which preserved it for close to 150 years.”The packet got trapped in a MPLS forwarding loop. It was widely believed at the time that packet life times were unnecessary because routing tables would converge and that misconfiguration would be rare. This was proven to be wrong and culminated in what has now known as the Network Panic of 2002 where a critical mass of packet entropy caused a worldwide collapse of the nascent Internet. Since then, all packets are marked with explicit lifetimes.”More remarkable is that Anderson found the packet at all. The packet was found in an antique shop in Duluth run by Doris Davenport on relic hardware by a company once known as Cisco Systems. Cisco, we all remember, was the first company that officially disbanded in the early 2020’s because all of the employees were worth enough to retire in comfort, some as young as 19 years old. The packet has been kept alive by the good fortune of battery backup and the bustling market for antique electronics.”It’s certainly fortunate that people are so fond of these relics,” says Anderson, “I guess it must be the blinking lights and the knowledge that our great-great grandfathers worked so hard on these simple little toys.”As far as Anderson can tell this may be the earliest known packet yet. It dates to 1999 which was right at the cusp of wide spread MPLS usage.”It’s hard to imagine that we’ll find anything that predates this packet, so we’re examining it very carefully for clues as to what life was like so very long ago. Conventional wisdom has always held that it was digital media swapping that fueled the early Internet, but this packet brings that all into question because by all appearances it seems to be directed at some sort of pornography distribution point.”Anderson will continue his search for more sources of ancient packets to bolster his new and disturbing theory about 20th Internet economics.

In a small aeroplane there were four people: the pilot, the
Pope, Bill Gates and a hitchhiker.

They were flying over mountains when suddenly the pilot burst
through the doors to the passenger compartment and announced
that there was a fuel leakage and the plane would crash in 5
minutes.

“There are only three parachutes I’m afraid,” he said, as he
hurredly grabbed one for himself and jumped out. That left the
three passengers and two parachutes.

Bill Gates said, “I’m very important, and I’m the world’s
smartest man and I deserve to live.” And with that he grabbed a
pack and leaped out.

“Young man,” said the Pope to the hitchhiker, “I am old, I have
lived my life and it was a very good one. You’re still young,
please take the last parachute and save yourself. My life is in
the hands of God.”

“It’s okay,” said the hitchhiker. “Don’t worry, we have a
parachute each.”

“How can that be?” asked the Pope.

“Well, the world’s smartest man just jumped out with my
backpack!”

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Boys’ Night 2.5 and Sunday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever they are selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please?! Thanks, Joe

Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under ‘Warnings – Alimony/Child Support.’ I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.

The best course of action will be to enter the command C:APOLOGISE. In any case, avoid excessive use of the ESC key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.

Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck.

Tech Support Matt Smith

G: Nobody gets the girl.

PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.

R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.

X: Everybody Gets The Girl.

XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cock-er spaniel.

Hello.
Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is?

Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.

We’re a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.

We feature a twelve step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never “cured,” you most certainly can recover.

We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you: 1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?
3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you’ll receive a reply one day from a company you’ll never do business with anyway?
6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you’d usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?
10) All of the above?

If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at:
1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETE’SSAKE.

We’re here, we’re free, and we’re confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.

Call us today. If you can power off to free up your phone line, that is.

After the recent Anti-trust hearings, Bill Gates recently compared the software market with the soft drink market. He says Microsoft is struggling to survive but that the beverage giant will be on top forever because the Department of Justice doesn’t pick on them. Of course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We might end up with a scenario like the following:Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, I’d like a Big Mac.Cashier: Okay, here’s your Big Mac and here’s your Coke. That’ll be $3.99.Joe: Uh, I don’t want a Coke.Cashier: Sorry, they’re bundled.Joe: What? I’m not paying for a Coke!Cashier: You don’t; the Coke is free.Joe: But wasn’t a Big Mac $2.49 last week?Cashier: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. It’s got integrated Coke!Joe: I already bought a Snapple across the street… I’m not going to drink the Coke.Cashier: Then you can’t have the burger.Joe: Okay, fine, I will pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.Cashier: Oh, you can’t do that. They’re seamlessly integrated. Totally inseparable.Joe: How can that be? They’re two totally separate things!Cashier: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?Joe: Why did you just do that?!Cashier: It’s a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you’d end up with two different, inconsistent tastes. This way you’re assured of a continuous taste across all your foods.Joe: Aaarrgh!

Top Ten Signs your Local TV Weatherman Is Nuts

10. Every night, his forecast is: “It’s raining men, hallelujah!”
9. Often asks anchorwoman to switch clothes with him.
8. Uses expensive radar equipment to track Michelle Pfeiffer.
7. “Satellite photos” look suspiciously like Polaroids of a desk globe.
6. Appears to have the first spring robin in his mouth.
5. Seen checking into a Motel 6 with a half-inflated weather balloon.
4. Every night he says, “Lordy mama, it’s gonna rain root beer tomorrow!”
3. The symbol on his weather map for an arctic cold front is a snowman giving the finger.
2. Looks a lot like this pinhead. (videotape of Dave in his TV weatherman days)
1. He’s got a tropical storm in his pants.

12. “Beverly Hills 90210.2” — Bill is scammed out of his billions by a midriff baring vixen, only to have the money restored by Dylan, who somehow accomplishes this on a laptop while hanging around at the Peach Pit.

11. “Ally McBill” — When Bill makes fun of the new attorney’s micro-miniskirts, she kicks his ass. Janet Reno guest stars.

10. “The Brady Bunch” — Marsha doesn’t think her new boyfriend, Bill, is so groovy after he puts Bobby and Cindy’s lemonade stand out of business.

9. “One’s Company” — Deciding that less company is best for him, zany Bill forces all his co-stars into early retirement.

8. “Petticoat Junction” — The 3 girls from Hooterville make plans to seduce the new computer guru in town but change their minds when they hear the words “micro” and “soft.”

7. “That 70’s Show” — When Bill gets his first summer job programming in COBOL, Y2K hilarity ensues.

6. “Mork & Mindy” — Mork’s dweeby cousin, Dork from Ork, visits Earth.

5. “Love Boat” — The crew watches in horror as Captain Bill refuses to yield right-of-way to the oncoming supertanker USS Justice Department.

4. “Everybody Loves Bill” — Bill begins to suspect that people love him for his money. Guest stars: Anne Nicole Smith, Carmen Electra, and the guy who married Martha Raye

3. “I Dream of Billy” — Major Gates discovers a genie in a bottle who offers him the world; he refuses, saying, “I already own it!”

2. “Billigan’s Island” — Billigan builds a machine which is sure to get the castaways off the island — but it keeps crashing!

1. “Family Matters” — Urkel imagines what his adult life would be like if he had been born Caucasian.

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

Forrest Gump – Life is like a Box of chocolates…
Forrest Dahmer – People are like a box of chocolate, YUM!
Forrest (Homer)Simpson – Mmmmm, chocolate
Forrest the Hun – Chocolate all mine!
Forrest Simmons – Chocolate is bad!, EXERCISE EXERCISE!
Forrest Rivera – People who like Chocolate..Next on ‘Forrest’
Forrest Shakespeare – Chocolate, or no chocolate that’s the question
Forrest Of Borg – All chocolates must be assimilated
Forrest Presley – Hunk a hunk of milk chocolate
Forrest Zen – I am one with the chocolate
Forrest McClaine – I used to be a box of Chocolates
Forrest Ventura – Chocolates..Alll-Riighty then…
Forrest Lauper – People just wanna have chocolate
Forrest Turner – What’s chocolate gotta do, gotta do with it?
Forrest Bones – D*@!* Jim, I’m a Dr., not a box of chocolate
Forrest Spock – Logically speaking, we are all chocolate
Forrest Scotty – The box, she’s breaking apart Capt’n
Forrest Butler – Frankly Scarlett, I don’t like chocolate
Forrest O’Hara – Tomorrow, is another box of chocolates.
Forrest Lee – Fight with your inner chocolate
Forrest Clinton – I didn’t inhale the cream centers
Forrest Davidson – I will inhale the cream filled centers
Forrest Doo – Roinks Raggy, Rocolates!
Forrest Marx – That’s the weirdest box of chocolates I’ve ever seen.
Forrest Nicholson – You want chocolate, you can’t handle chocolate
Forrest Copperfield – Poof, the chocolates are gone!
Forrest Noah – 2 creams, 2 nuts, 2 coconuts, 2 peanut butter
Forrest on phonics – Lief es lyk a boks uv chakolets
Forrest PsychicLine – Yes, I knew you were a chocolate
Forrest Alimony – The Box is mine!
Forrest Andrews – The Hills are alive..like a box of chocolates
Forrest Costello – Who’s eating chocolate?
Forrest Abbott – No, who is not eating chocolate
Forrest Vader – Luke, I am your chocolate
Forrest Yoda – There is a dark chocolate, and a light chocolate.

YO COMPUTER IS SO SMART THAT IT FINISH YOUR HOMEWORK BEFORE YOU WHEN YOU TAKE 5 HOURS HE ONLY TOOK 1 MINUTE ON A COLLEGE PAPER.

Dear Editor, I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber. My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs. Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love this girl very much and want to marry her. My problem is this: Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft? Sincerely, Larry