Yours Fun Portal !
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a “great” writer.
When asked to define “great” he said “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!”
The young man grew up and has achieved his ultimate goal.
He’s now working for Microsoft writing error messages!
Bill Gates goes to Heaven, and St. Peter meets him at the gates. “Welcome
to Heaven Bill, you’re the big computer tycoon, so would you like to run
our computer system?” “Sure,” Bill says, “wow, this rilly is Heaven!”
Peter takes Mr. Gates to a vast computer lab. Bill takes a closer look to
see that it is one gigantic bank of Macintoshes. “These aren’t IBM’s,”
exclaims Bill. “What did you expect,” says St. Peter, “this is Heaven.”
*File Description: If a Computer Beeps and There is No One Around…* An *actual* bug report (from a friend at Microsoft).Bug # Status Title 5143 ACTIVE “Build done” signal makes no sound============ ACTIVE – 01/30/95 – MIKEBLAS ====================Visual C++ makes an audible signal when a build completes. When no developer is in the room, this signal doesn’t make a sound. To reproduce:1) Start a build. 2) Leave the room. 3) Note that the chime does not make a sound.We should find a way to make the build bell make a sound even if nobody is there to hear it.This philosophical issue may need program management’s attention before being resolved.============ ASSIGNED to MATTHEWT – 01/30/95 – SCOTF =========Can we use the telepathy support in Win95 to contact whomever is logged into the machine doing the build? Maybe we should just detect when the developer is leaving the room and prompt for a phone number where s/he can be reached.How about disabling leaving the room during a build?============ RESOLVED – BY DESIGN – 01/31/95 – MATTHEWT ====== ============ ACTIVE – 02/01/95 – MARKLAM =====================Actually, we can’t do this either. The problem is that while you’re out of the room your build is neither finished nor unfinished. It stays in a state of flux until you return and collapse the quantum uncertainty by observing it.Perhaps we could link the build finished event to a cat in a box?============ ASSIGNED to HEISENBERG – 02/01/95 – MARKLAM ===== ============ RESOLVED – NOT REPRO – 02/03/95 – HEISENBERG ====I cannot repro this. I tried standing just outside my door and it made the beep. Do I have to go further from my office? Would the mailroom do?============ ACTIVE – 02/03/95 – MIKEBLAS ====================The relative position of the mailroom and your office are relatively uncertain to me, Doctor.Please try again:1) start a build 2) leave your office 3) go down the hall 4) wait until you don’t hear the beep 5) return to note that the build is doneI think this is how I first repro’ed the problem, but I can’t remember what I was doing to make it happen.The idea of disabling leaving the room might be the best possible solution, I think. When a build starts, the IDE should pop up a message that says “There are no more Fritos” or “The kitchen has closed early” or “The bathroom is being cleaned” so the developer will not be tempted to get up and wander around.With minimal rebuild in place, we should consider diversions that won’t take as long to remedy: “You’re expecting a phone call” or “Someone will stop by to see you soon”.We need to think of messages that are easy to localize for VC++3.0J.============ ASSIGNED to MIKEBLAS – 02/13/95 – MARKLAM =======To do this we’ll need to avoid messages about the bathrooms and vending machines for external releases. Perhaps some customer research is needed to find out exactly *why* Visual C++ users leave their keyboards.Some suggestions (including MB_ types) Get a drink : (i) You’re out of coffee (i) You’re out of tea (i)(i) YYoouuvv”ee hhaadd eennoouugghhGet something to eat : (?) You have no food, remember /! You need to lose weight, fatso. Sit your ass downExercise etc : (?) Did You Know – sunlight causes skin cancer (i) With a Nordik Trak you can get a workout in front of your monitor. Call for home delivery. /! I didn’t mean that about your weightSee family : (i) They already know you love them /! They’ll only want money for something /! Your in-laws have arrivedCall of nature : This could be difficult. Consider supplying bed-pan or similar.============ ASSIGNED to MIKEBLAS – 02/13/95 – MARKLAM ======= ============ ASSIGNED to MIKEBLAS – 02/16/95 – HEISENBERG ====I attempted to repro this once more:I placed my machine in the forest at the edge of the campus. I started a ‘rebuild all’ and ran out of the forest towards my mailroom. My build normally takes 3 minutes. After 5 minutes I had not heard anything, so I returned to my machine. Unfortunately a tree had fallen on it. I had not heard that, either.
One morning at church, the pastor was preaching about what God was and wasn’t.
He said “God is neither white, nor black. God is neither male nor female.”
After hearing all this, a curious 5 year old turned to his dad and asked -“Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?”
Q: “How is the government combating the ‘I Love You’ virus?” A: “The Justice Department wants to break it up into two separate viruses, ‘I Love’ and ‘You.'”
Here is a basic descriptions of what may happen if an airplane had a specific operating system running.OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged–with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.
1. Instead of getting a “General Protection Fault” error, your PC would get “Ferklempt.”
2. When you fill up your “C-drive”, you will get a “Hard Drive is Shtupped” message.
3. Hanukkah screen savers will have “Flying Dreidels.”
4. CD-ROM’s would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high compression DVB’s (digital video bagels).
5. Your “Start” button would be replaced with a “Let’s go! I’m not getting any younger!” button.
6. “Abort, Retry, Ignore” would be replaced with “Stop it already. You’re killing me! You vant I should try it again? I didn’t hear that!”
7. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to “Remove the cable from your PC’s tuchis.”
8. Your multimedia player would be renamed to “Nu, so play my music already!”
9. During Passover, your PC would not be able to read leavened floppies.”
10. “Microsoft Word” would be renamed to “Microsoft Kibbitz.”
11. Microsoft Office would include “A little byte of this, and a little byte of that.”
12. When running “scandisk”, you will be prompted with a “You vant I should fix this?” message.
13. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud “Oy!!!”
14. A “monitor cleaning solution” from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the “schmutz” on your monitor.
15. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go “Schloffen.”
16. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
17. Solitaire would be replaced with on-line “Bingo”or “Mah-Jong.”
1. Start a blank worksheet
2. Right click the toolbar and select Customize.
3. Find the Solitaire icon and drag it to the Toolbar.
4. Click OK and close.
5. Hold down Ctrl, Shift, Alt and click the Solitaire icon.
1. You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off.
2. You have been on-line 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you,but there are OTHER people in the world who would like to sign on. Let’s show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, WHADDYA SAY?
3. You DO realize that you have been on-line for 180 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside?
4. OK, this is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you’re starting to upset us! If you sign off now, we’ll bring back your buddy list, OK?
5. You have been on-line for 360 minutes now! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can’t you just finish up and go read a good book?!
6. You have been on-line for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members names?
7. You have been on-line for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain on-line?
8. You have been on-line for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord!
9. You have been on-line for 852 minutes. Do you KNOW how many hours that is??
10. You have been on-line for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives
9.21 lawsuits per day, due to busy phone lines? PLEASE sign-off, to reduce these averages, or go to KEYWORD: Class Action to join a lawsuit.
11. You have been on-line for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, they didn’t think you would take it LITERALLY! So get OFF, before we go broke!
12. You have been on-line for 1013 minutes. This is Steve Case, I need to sign-on myself and answer some mail. Could you PLEASE sign-off?
13. You have been on-line for 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in shifts? GEEZE get off already!
14. You have been on-line 1151 minutes. WELCOME TO THE TEAM… See job application enclosed!
WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.
PICARD: On screen.
[The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, eachPICARD: Data, what’s wrong here?
DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory
to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower
resolution?
PICARD: Make it so.
[The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky squarePICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.
DATA: Aye, sir.
[Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, andWORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
PICARD: Shields up!
DATA: I’m sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last
instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue
your next command.
PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want those
shields up *right now*.
DATA: I’m sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last
instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue
your next command.
LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data.
[Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.]DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel
and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications
channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the
Romulans.
PICARD: Shields…
[There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all thePICARD: Up, Data!
DATA: Aye, sir.
RIKER: All decks, damage report!
WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious.
[Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punchesDATA: Shields are now up, captain.
PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead
Romulan ship.
WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.]
PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.
DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver
installed for that console.
PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.
DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data’s setup implants?
RIKER: I left them with Geordi.
LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought you still had them!
PICARD: Data, don’t you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?
DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Data, I don’t *have* Setup Implant #1.
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Abort!
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Well, fail, then!
DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.
[Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The shipLAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?
PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?
RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for
two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn’t
knowledgeable about androids of Data’s model. She specialized in
industrial control robots.
PICARD: What’s going on?
LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a General
Protection Violation in the warp engine core.
PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can’t really do anything
with them.
FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh,
Captain?
New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Computer novices may feel like they’re alone these days, but some of the following calls to IBM’s help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.After a caller gave a technician her PC’s serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, “I see you have an Aptiva” desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she’d be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: “Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe.”A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power-saving feature known as “hibernate.” Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer, the caller asked.Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5.25-inch diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her computer. The technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3.5-inch diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining that her disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact that she was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions, the technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors to trim the 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer–the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace – was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a “window” to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.