Category: computers

Ellen Degeneres virus Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC Sharon Stone virus Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it’s there. Monica Lewinsky virus Sucks all the memory out of your computer Titanic virus Makes your whole computer go down Disney virus Everything in the computer goes Goofy Mike Tyson virus Quits after one byte Prozac virus Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care Lorena Bobbit virus Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy Tim Allen virus Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact Woody Allen virus Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card Saddam Hussein virus Won’t let you into any of your programs Tonya Harding virus Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons Spice Girl virus Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop AT&T virus Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting Martha Stewart virus Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop Ronald Reagan virus Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored Sony Bono virus Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of no where Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them George Michaels virus Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup Oprah Winfrey virus Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB Joey Buttafuoco virus Only attacks minor files MCI virus Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus Arnold Schwarzenegger virus Terminates and stays resident – It’ll be back! X-files virus All your Icons start shape shifting

Right after the wedding, in bed, in a fancy hotel, Mr. and Mrs. Bill Gates decided to name the new company together.

Mrs. Gates: How about we name it after your penis?

BILL: Why the hell would we do that?

Mrs. Gates: Oh, I don’t know. I always did like the name Microsoft.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

The Office of Institutional Computing has defined a lower cost alternative for Desktop conversions that also addresses the Year 2000 issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999.

Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this: Y2K problems No technical glitches, keeping work from being done. No more wasted time reading and writing emails. Substantial hardware cost savings.

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. What do I do?
Pick it up and shake it

How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
Pick it up and shake it

What’s the short cut for Undo?
Pick it up and shake it

How do I create a New Document window?
Pick it up and shake it

How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
Pick it up and shake it

What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
Pick it up and shake it

How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
Pick it up and shake it

How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
Don’t shake it.

Modern-time maxims for the Internet age
Home is where you hang your @

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.

The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.

Great groups from little icons grow.

Speak softly and carry a cell phone.

C: is the root of all directories.

Don’t put all your hypes in one homepage.

Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

The modem is the message

Too many clicks spoil the browse.

The geek shall inherit the earth.

A chat has nine lives.

Don’t byte off more than you can view.

Fax is stranger than fiction.

What boots up must come down.

Virtual reality is its own reward.

Modulation in all things.

A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

There’s no place like http://www.home.com

Know what to expect before you connect.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice.

Speed thrills.

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was ‘running it under Windows.’ The woman then responded, ‘No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.’ Tech Support: ‘How much free space do you have on your hard drive?’ Customer: ‘Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?’ Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: ‘I’d like a mouse mat, please.’ Salesperson: ‘Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.’ Customer: ‘But will they be compatible with my computer?’ Customer: ‘Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?’ Customer: ‘So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?’ Tech Support: ‘Yeah.’ Customer: ‘And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?’ Tech Support: ‘Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.’ Customer: ‘My computer crashed!’ Tech Support: ‘It crashed?’ Customer: ‘Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.’ Tech Support: ‘Alright, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.’ Customer: ‘No, it didn’t crash — it crashed.’ Tech Support: ‘Huh?’ Customer: ‘I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. Now it doesn’t work.’ Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship. Tech Support: ‘Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.” Customer: [pause] ‘Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?’

The Latest Report on Windows98 : New Error Codes Assigned

Winerr 000 – Unexpected Intelligent User Encountered
Winerr 001 – Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash Repeatedly
Winerr 002 – Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet)
Winerr 003 – RAM Depleted; Annex Japan (Y/N)?
Winerr 004 – Deluxe Error. Please Send $75 to Upgrade Your Error
Winerr 005 – Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename
Winerr 006 – Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake crash
Winerr 007 – Alphanumeric Sequence “OS2” Prohibited
Winerr 008 – This License Has Expired; Please Purchase Another Copy
Winerr 009 – Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors
Winerr 00A – Non-Microsoft Application Encountered
Winerr 00B – Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement
Winerr 00C – Windows Loaded Correctly This Time
Winerr 00D – User Error; Lemming Not Found
Winerr 00E – Open Standard Encountered; Attempting to Redmondize
Winerr 00F – Reserved for Future Coding Errors
Winerr 010 – Virus Error – Other Applications Will Be Closed Instead
Winerr 011 – Orwell Not Found; You Must Use MSN
Winerr 012 – Cash Underflow – Credit Card Number Will Be Assimilated
Winerr 013 – Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down
Winerr 014 – User Error; Reading License Agreement Mandatory to Continue
Winerr 015 – Error Message Deleted
Winerr 016 – Expected Error Did Not Occur; Attempting to Restart Error
Sequence
Winerr 017 – Multitasking Attempted; System Confused
Winerr 018 – Network Error – Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations
Winerr 019 – Freedom-of-Choice Error; Select a Microsoft Browser To
Continue
Winerr 01A – Insult Detected — Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted
Winerr 01B – Error Removing Temporary File; a Permanent File Will Be
Substituted
Winerr 01C – Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That.
Winerr 01D – Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error Quota
Winerr 01E – Please Insert Your Favorite Error Here
Winerr 01F – Error In Progress; Please Wait….
Winerr 020 – Unknown Error Occurred But Was Lost. Windows Will Try To
Remember
Winerr 021 – Error Parsing Error List; Please Wait For Next Error
Winerr 022 – Upgrade Error; Please Format Your Drive And Reload Everything

The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who was looking for juicy stories of excitement and derring-do. He told Red, “I’m sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind your pegleg.”

“Well, I was thrown from the ship during gale force winds, and before me mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off!”

The interviewer was sort of disappointed. “What about the hook at the end of your right arm?”

“I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard!”

Again the reporter was disappointed. “Certainly there’s an exciting story about the patch on your eye?”

“One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and pooped in me eye!”

The reporter was amazed. “That’s why you wear a patch?”

“Well, I’d only had me hook a couple of days!”

Terry Randle virus: Prints “Oh no you don’t” whenever you choose “Abort” from the “Abort, Retry, Fail” message.

IBM: Idiots Built Me

One of Microsoft Network’s finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.

At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.

The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.

The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off — whereupon he yelled toward the target area…

“It’s leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!”

There was a man reading a newspaper and sun tanning on the
beach, in the nude. Then he saw a little girl walk towards him
so he put the newspaper over his dick.

The little girl said “what do you have under that newspaper.”

The man said “I have a bird under this newspaper.”

The girl said “ok” and left

The man decided to take a nap, he woke up in the hospital.

The doctor asked him “do you remember anthing”

The man said ” the last thing I remember was a little girl
asking me a question.

They find the little girl and asked her what she did.

She said ” Well the man said he had a bird so I started to play
with it, then it spat at me, so I snapped his neck cracked its
eggs and set its nest on fire

By M.J

• You’d live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all were H0T 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in spandex.
• You’d only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
• Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you’d be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99
• The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
• 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and discounts from www.BS-R-US.com
• The local post office would tell your mother you’re not a known resident.
• The local post office won’t forward your mail to you when you move.
• The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of those brutal toe stubs.
• If you saw a crime and called 911, they’d reply a week later with a form letter saying how you “really are important you are to us”.
• The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his worthless company somewhere else.
• Everyone on the street would have something to do with porn, and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.
• Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and violently scream M/F??!!, AGE/SEX?!?! while anonymous callers called your cell phone saying “Wanna do it”
• Those that didn’t do that would call you and say ” Hi, I’m j0e hax0r from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced to evict you and your family.”
• Every time you went shopping, you’d be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming ‘WE’RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE”
• Even your three year old son would know the intimate personal details of the town security expert.
• You’d occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it’s really the Earth’s fault.
• Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and you’d foot the bill.
• Putting up controversial art in your home would result in the police bashing in your door, throwing your butt on the floor, and kicking the crap out of you while saying “Ya got two chances left, bonehead. ROFLMAO LOL!!”
• You’d send your kids to school for history, math and science, but they’d wind up studying one-handed typing and annoying acronyms.
• You’d not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone’s mailbox with crap, and vacate before sun-up.
• The administration would secretly sell off chunks of their personal land in the city, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary funds.
• The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly demanding money while ripping down the swings and beating the crap out of kids currently playing there. Note:Don’t forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies can not get out “for safety reasons,” and then hordes of perverts are allowed in.
• The police would work for free out of some sort of “duty” to the city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.
• Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout “HEY! YOU DO WANT AN AOL VISA, DON’T YOU?” To which you say “no.” The voice then replies “OK, I’LL ASK YOU TOMORROW”.
• A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient Doom 2 patches, commercial pix of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of PkZip 2.04g
• Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair city.