Category: computers

10. Thou shalt foreswear, renounce, and abjure the vile heresy which claimeth that “All the world’s a VAX”, and have no commerce with the benighted heathens who cling to this barbarous belief, that the days of thy program may be long even though the days of thy current machine be short.

A 32-bit patch for a 16-bit GUI shell running on top of an 8-bit operating
system written for a 4-bit processor by a 2-bit company who cannot stand 1
bit of competition.

1. BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding2. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.7. Southern DOS: Y’all reckon? (Yep/Nope)8. Backups? We don’ *NEED* no steenking backups.9. E Pluribus Modem10. …. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)11. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny12. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?13. 11th commandment – Covet not thy neighbor’s Pentium.14. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.15. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .16. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.17. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…18. COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key19. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!20. E-mail returned to sender — insufficient voltage.21. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.22. “640K ought to be enough for anybody.” – Bill Gates, 198123. Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!24. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…25. REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)26. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)27. Hit any user to continue.28. Disk Full – Press F1 to belch.29. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic30. (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

Is there a 12 step, support group, or such?
For those of us folks who chat on line too much?
If there was a group, I would like it just fine,
Except that it prob’bly would be here online!

Are there therapists here? I think I saw some.
Its got me, its got me, its power is AWESOME!
It’s my new computer, I’ve had it one week,
Now I look in the mirror and I see a real “geek.”

Or maybe a geekess, but I see the signs.
Please help me, please help me, please get me offline!
Or better, please Email a burger and fries,
‘Cause I’m staying ONLINE, at least ’til I die!

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away, so he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and ”voila”, everything else was automatic!! He really had good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. But when the fun was over, he found that he could not
take the instrument off. He read the manual, but did not find any useful information.
He tried every button on the instrument. Some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less, but none would remove it. Panicking, he called the
supplier’s Customer Service Hotline. The farmer: ”Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow’s udder?” Customer Service: ”Don’t worry. The machine was programmed such that it will release automatically after collecting about 2 liters of milk.”

1. You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off. 2. You have been on-line 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you,but there are OTHER people in the world who would like to sign on. Let’s show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, WHADDYA SAY? 3. You DO realize that you have been on-line for 180 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside? 4. OK, this is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you’re starting to upset us! If you sign off now, we’ll bring back your buddy list, OK? 5. You have been on-line for 360 minutes now! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can’t you just finish up and go read a good book?! 6. You have been on-line for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members names? 7. You have been on-line for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain on-line? 8. You have been on-line for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord! 9. You have been on-line for 852 minutes. Do you KNOW how many hours that is?? 10. You have been on-line for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day, due to busy phone lines? PLEASE sign-off, to reduce these averages, or go to KEYWORD: Class Action to join a lawsuit. 11. You have been on-line for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, they didn’t think you would take it LITERALLY! So get OFF, before we go broke! 12. You have been on-line for 1013 minutes. This is Steve Case, I need to sign-on myself and answer some mail. Could you PLEASE sign-off? 13. You have been on-line for 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in shifts? GEEZE get off already! 14. You have been on-line 1151 minutes. WELCOME TO THE TEAM… See job application enclosed!

TECH SUPPORT: Hello, Tech Support?
CALLER: I’ve been having problems with my computer.
TECH SUPPORT: (Well, duh!) What problems do you have, sir?
CALLER: I think it may be frozen.
TECH SUPPORT: What’s happening?
CALLER: The keyboard doesn’t do anything, and the mouse isn’t
making any responses.
TECH SUPPORT: (Could he GET anymore stupid?) That is not a big
problem, sir. Just turn the computer off, and then on again.
CALLER: What do you mean, “on again”?
TECH SUPPORT: (Uh-oh.) Um, sir?
CALLER: Yes?
TECH SUPPORT: (God!) The screen isn’t black now, by any chance,
is it, sir?

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean
cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life–until the boat sank.

He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people,
no supplies…nothing…only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her,
“Where did you come from? How did you get here?”

“I rowed from the other side of the island,” she says. “I landed here when
my cruise ship sank.”

“Amazing,” he says. “You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with
you.”

“Oh, this?” replies the woman. “I made the rowboat out of raw material I
found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove
the bottom from palm branches. And the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree.”

“But, but, that’s impossible,” stutters Ed. “You had no tools or hardware.
How did you manage?”

“Oh, that was no problem,” replies the woman. “On the south side of the
island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found
if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make
the hardware.”

Ed is stunned. “Let’s row over to my place,” she says. After a few minutes
of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he
nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an
exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he
could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says
casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you
like to have a drink?”

“No, no, thank you.” he says, still dazed. “Can’t take any more coconut
juice.”

“It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replies. “I have a still. How about a
Pina Colada?” Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they
sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, “I’m going
to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower
and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.”

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the
cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow
ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.

“Wow! This woman is amazing!” he muses, “What next?”

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically
positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit
down next to her.

“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve been
out here for a really long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m
sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing
for all these months. You know…” She stares into his eyes. He can’t
believe what he’s hearing: “You mean—“, he swallows excitedly, “I can
check my email from here?!”

IBM: Itty Bitty Morons

9. Sell stock in Microsoft and AOL, invest everything in shotguns and bottled water.

8. Move computer’s clock ahead now to test for co^^^NO CARRIER

7. Start writing an exquisitely obscene job-resignation letter.

6. Stockpile semen to repopulate Earth in case post-Apocalypse chicks still won’t have sex with you.

5. Open checking accounts in dozens of different banks with no more than $20 in each, and wait for a windfall.

4. Convert to Judaism, then begin worrying about the Y10K bug.

3. Party like its 1899

2. Discard toasters made before 1995 because nobody likes bread toasted for 2 minutes and 100 years.

1. Send Schwarzenegger back in time to bitch slap those lazy COBOL engineers.

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Three women were dressing after an aerobics workout and talking about
their spouses. “My husband,” Said the first, “Is a marriage counselor. He
always buys me candy or flowers before we make love.”

“Mine is a jeweler,” The second said. “He always brings me a pearl before
we make love.”

The third woman paused…. “Well,” she finally said, “My husband works for
Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it’s
going to be when I get it.”