Category: computers

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker’s technical support line for assistance…Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?Customer: There’s smoke coming from the power supply on my computer…Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply…Customer: No, I don’t! I just need to change the startup files…Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it…Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command…For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician’s efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded…Technician: I’m sorry. We don’t normally tell our customers this, but there’s an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem…Customer: I knew it!Technician: Just add the line ‘LOAD NOSMOKE.COM’ at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes…About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer…Customer: It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking…Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?Customer: MS-DOS 6.22… Technician: Well, that’s your problem. That version of DOS doesn’t include NOSMOKE. You’ll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out…When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again…Customer: I need a new power supply…Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply…Technician: What did he tell you?Customer: He said my power supply isn’t compatible with NOSMOKE…

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:

“If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a news release
stating:

“If GM had developed technology like Microsoft we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day

Every time you painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car

Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on

Occasionally executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you’d have to reinstall the engine

Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
“Car95″ or CarNT”. But then you would have to buy more seats

MacIntosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5 per cent of the roads

The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light

Now seats would force everyone to have the same size butt

The airbag system would say “Are you sure?” before going off

Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna

GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand
McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary) even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more (Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department)

Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car

You’d press the start button to shut off the engine”

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: I got my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!
Helpline: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
Customer: What’s an ignition?
Helpline: It’s a starter motor that draws current from your
battery and turn over the engine.
Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to
know all of these technical terms just to use my car?

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go
anywhere!
Helpline: Is the gas tank empty?
Customer: Huh? How do I know?
Helpline: There’s a little gauge on the front panel, with a
needle, and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F’. Where is the
needle pointing?
Customer: It’s pointing to ‘E’. What does that mean?
Helpline: It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and
purchase some more gasoline. You can install it
yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you.
Customer: What!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me
that I have to keep buying more components? I want a
car that comes with everything built in!

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: Your car sucks!
Helpline: What’s wrong?
Customer: It crashed, that’s what went wrong!
Helpline: What were you doing?
Customer: I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator
pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while,
and then it crashed–and now it won’t start!
Helpline: It’s your responsibility if you misuse the product.
What do you expect us to do about it?
Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest versions that
doesn’t crash anymore!

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car
because it has automatic transmission, cruise control,
power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.
Helpline: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?
Customer: How do I work it?
Helpline: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: Do I know how to what?
Helpline: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: I’m not a technical person! I just want to go places
in my car!

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book… if I still remember how.

8 ) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime… and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

A man was in his front yard mowing his grass when his attractive
blonde neighbor came out of the house and rushed straight to the
mailbox. She opened it, looked in, then slammed it shut and
stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went right to
the mailbox and this time opened it, looked in, felt around it,
then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she
went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, mailbox, opened
it, felt all the way to the back, and then slammed it closed
harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is
something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is! My
stupid computer keeps saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL.”

An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says . . .

And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, Dear?”

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS)”.

Abraha} thkught long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums, as long as he could have his way with her.

And Dot said, “There will be a lot of banging in the land”. And Abraham replied, “It is my most fervent wish that this be so”.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading.

And the young did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates’ drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others”. And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, “eBay”, he said, “We need a name of a service that reflects what we are”.

And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators”.

“Whoopee!”, said Abraham.

“No, YAHOO!”, said Dot Com.

Tech Support: “What does the screen say now.”
Person: “It says, ‘Hit ENTER when ready’.”

Tech Support: “Well?”
Person: “How do I know when it’s ready?”

Write in C (“Let it Be”)

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
“Write in C.”

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
“Write in C.”

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO’s dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

If you’ve just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC’s not the answer.
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won’t quite cut it.
Write in C..

50 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE PEOPLE IN THE COMPUTER LAB

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream “Oh my God! They’ve found me!” and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can’t get the damn thing to work. After he/she’s turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it’s set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the “Smurfs” theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don’t know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say “Just in case…” mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they’re crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, “Oops, I forgot.”

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray “Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,” and scream “YES!” when it finishes.

17. “DISK FIGHT!!!”

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you’re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 31/2 disk drive. When it doesn’t work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor’s keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout “You will all perish in flames!!!” and continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer’s mouse.

35. Borrow someone else’s keyboard by reaching over, saying “Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?”

, unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn’t affected). Then look at your neighbor’s keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: “Does *your* delete key work?”

Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you’ve deleted about a page of your neighbor’s document. Then, suddenly exclaim: “Well, whaddya know? I’ve been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn’t deleting! Ha!” Print out your document and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer’s Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

41. Stare at the person’s next to your’s screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say “You did that?” loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell “COVEEEEERRRRRR!” peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say.

“Oh, good. It worked this time,” and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who’s online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you’ve known them all your lives. Hang-up before they get a chance to figure out you’re a total stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it’s the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn’t work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim “You’re such a marvel!!”, and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout “Armageddon is here!!!!!”, then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, “Give me that computer or you’ll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week”.

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

Q: DO I HAVE TO BE MARRIED TO HAVE SAFE FAX?
A: Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q: MY PARENTS SAY THEY NEVER HAD FAX WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG AND WERE ONLY ALLOWED TO WRITE MEMOS TO EACH OTHER UNTIL THEY WERE TWENTYONE. HOW OLD DO YOU THINK SOMEONE SHOULD BE BEFORE THEY CAN FAX?
A: Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedure.

Q: IF I FAX MYSELF, WILL I GO BLIND?
A: Certainly not, as far as we can see.

Q: THERE IS A PLACE ON OUR STREET WHERE YOU CAN GO AND PAY FOR FAX. IS THIS LEGAL?
A: Yes. many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and Must pay a “professional” when their needs to fax become too great.

Q: SHOULD A COVER ALWAYS BE USED FOR FAXING?
A: Unless you are really sure of the one you’re faxing, a cover sheet should be used to insure safe fax.

Q: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I INCORRECTLY DO THE PROCEDURE AND I FAX PREMATURELY?
A: Don’t panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven’t faxed in a long time. Just start Over; Most people won’t mind if you try again.

Q: I HAVE A PERSONAL AND BUSINESS FAX. CAN TRANSMISSIONS BECOME MIXED UP?
A: Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won’t transmit anything You’re not supposed to.

Thoughts From Women About Being A Woman

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
* Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrow.
* Janette Barber

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
* Lily Tomlin

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
* Carrie Snow

Old age ain’t no place for sissies.
* Bette Davis

If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.
* Catherine Aird

A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t.
* Rhonda Hansome

The phrase “working mother” is redundant.
* Jane Sellman

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
* Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
* Caryn Leschen

Whoever thought up the word “Mammogram”? Every time I hear it, I think I’m supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
* Jan King

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
* Jennifer Unlimited

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
* Kathy Buckley

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb and I’m also not blonde.
* Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
* Erica Jong

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
* Sue Grafton

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
* Laurie Kuslansky

I think – therefore I’m single.
* Lizz Winstead

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It’s plucking your eyebrows. That’s how I originally got pierced ears.
* Geri Jewell

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
* Elayne Boosler

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
* Maryon Pearson

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man – if you want anything done, ask a woman.
* Margaret Thatcher

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
* Gloria Steinem

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home who answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.
* Marie Corelli

If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
* Linda Ellerbee

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
* Eleanor Roosevelt

************************* Chief Executive Officer Mattel, Inc. El Segundo, CA

Dear Sir,

Listen you little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya, but IT’S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this year, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won’t wanna be around to smell it).

So, here’s my 1997 resolution/wish list:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man…maybe GI Joe. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what’s with that earring anyway? If I’m gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don’t cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe “PMS Barbie”, complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; “Animal Rights Barbie”, with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or “Stop Smoking Barbie”, sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It’s been 37 years–I think I deserve it.

Ok, Mr CEO, that’s it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don’t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It’s that simple.

Yours truly,

Barbie Dreamhouse Malibu, CA