Category: computers

One day Gateway conducted a call out meeting for the best computer geeks around. The employers went to a deli, a vegan restaurant, and an Indian restaurant scouting for people using computers. They found a handful of adept people in each place and brought them to Gateway headquarters.

A Gateway big wig asked the Jews from the deli, “How good are you with computers?”

One Jew responded, “Extremely good. But I won’t tolerate pigs in this business.”

The big wig frowned. “We have a computer model in a box patterned after a pig. It’s advertising our new pink computer targeted at females.”

The Jew said, “I won’t tolerate this. I am kosher.” All of the Jews got up and stormed out of the building.

“Okay…” the executive said. “I guess this idea will not appeal to a certain demographic.” He tossed the prototype out the window.

“Now, how good are you guys?” he asked, looking at the vegans.

“Very proficient,” they answered, “but we will not be milked for all we’re worth.”

“Okay…so what do you think of this model?” The executive held up a black and white Gateway cow-patterned box.

“I will not tolerate this,” one of the vegans said. “To me, this is like shoving dairy products down our throats.” The vegans got up and stormed out of the building.

“Well, what about you guys?” the executive asked, looking at the Hindus.

The Indians were already bowing down to the sacred Gateway cow box.

Did you hear Bill Gates got struck by lightning?

Seems that God tried using Windows 98.

Online computer users often engage in cyber sex. However, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript doesn’t seem to quite get the point of cyber sex.
Then again, maybe he does…

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I’m toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I’m 6’3″ and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I’m also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner…it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We’re in my bedroom. There’s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I’m looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I’m gulping, I’m beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I’m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I’m unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I’m moaning softly.

Wellhung: I’m taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I’m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I’m rubbing you bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I’m sorry.
Sweetheart: That’s OK, it wasn’t really too expensive.

Wellhung: I’ll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don’t worry about it. I’m wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I’m fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it’s stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I’m reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I’m picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I’m arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your, you know, breasts. They’re neat!
Sweetheart: I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I’m so sorry; Really.
Sweetheart: I’m wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I’m taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I’m pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I’m screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I’m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I’m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you…umm… wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What’s the matter?

Wellhung: I’ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I’m choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I’m having a coughing fit. I’m turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I’m running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I’m fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I’m drinking a cup of water. There, that’s better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I’m washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I’m on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I’m drying the cup. Now I’m putting it back in the cabinet. And now I’m walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it’s dark, I’m lost. Where’s the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I’m tuggin’ off your pants. I’m moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart Why don’t you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can’t see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I’m bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I’m fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it’s dark. I’m feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I’m waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I’m done going. I’m feeling around for the flush handle, but I can’t find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What’s the matter now?

Wellhung: I’ve realized that I’ve peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I’m walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I’m going to put my…you know …thing…in your…you know…woman’s thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I’m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I’m having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I’m moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can’t stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I’m flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I’m limp. I can’t sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I’m standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I’m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I’m going to get my glasses and see what’s wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I’m getting dressed. I’m putting on my underwear. Now I’m putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I’m squinting, trying to find the night table. I’m feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I’m buttoning my blouse. Now I’m putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I’ve found my glasses. I’m putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I’m pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I’m logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart:{logged off}

You work very odd hours.

You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.

You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.

You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.

You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.

You are not proud of what you do.

Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.

It’s difficult to have a family.

You have no job satisfaction.

If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.

You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.

People ask you, “What do you do?” and you can’t explain it.

Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you attend.)

Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you’re left hanging with only ther “professionals.”

Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.

Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.

Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.

Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain.

You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it’s not your problem.

When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).

You are rated on your “performance” in an excruciating ordeal.

Even though you get paid the big bucks, it’s the client who walks away smiling.

The client always thinks your “cut” of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.

When you deduct your “take” from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.

Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, “I’m not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life.”.

Q: If you’ve got a green ball in your left hand, and a green ball in your right hand, what do you have?

A: Kermit the Frog’s undivided attention.

10. The world does revolve around us … we pick the coordinate system

9. You can discover what those other buttons on your calculator do

8. We know how to handle “stress” and “strain” in relationships

7. Your parents will approve

6. You can get help with your math homework

5. We can calculate head pressure, so we know when you’re going to explode

4. It looks good on a resume

3. We do free body diagrams

2. We have a high starting salary

1. You can enjoy a lifetime supply of “Dilbert” calendars!

Rules for surviving Web addiction =================================1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.3. I will get dressed before noon.4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.7. I will read a book…think I still remember how.8. I will listen to those around me and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for e-mail.10. I will try leave the house at least once a week, whether it is necessary or not.11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my chequebook because I was too busy on the Web.12. I will remember I must go to bed sometime…the Web will always be there tomorrow! My comments about the above rules, and how they’ll never work for me. =====================================================================1. Drinking coffee ??!! Yeeuuurrkk !!! I hate coffee !! And reading the newspaper.. no way.. what a waste of a tree ! i can get the same information via the web.2. Who has time for breakfast these days ??? If i have time for breakfast, then i have time to sleep-in just a few minutes longer! -3. I don’t even get up before noon!. – Some days i don’t go to bed either!4. Cleaning the house ?? – That’s womans work !.. That’s why i get my brother to do it !.. He acts like an old woman sometimes. – Washing my clothes ? – Hell.. i only put these things on four days ago… there’s at least another weeks wear i can get out of them before i think about washing them. Planning dinner? For me that is remembering where i put the Dial-a-kebab leaflet…5. I can’t write properly, my joined up writing is illegible, even i have trouble reading it sometimes. As for having friends who don’t own a computer.. well.. last time i saw them was the day before i left college… in the late 1980’s !6. As i said in reply (5), i don’t know anyone who doesn’t have access the the Web, Why would i want to contact someone who is technically challenged anyway??7. Ok.. i do still read books, but that is only during my lunch break, as they don’t let staff use the works computers for surfing the web during the lunch time break, and calling the web via my laptop and my mobile phone costs an arm and a leg.8. Hell.. i don’t have that problem… I have my own special sound-proofed room as my computer room, where i can cut-out all external noise coming from the rest of my house.9. I more likely to be tempted to go and check what’s on the TV, while i wait for my e-mail to download.10. Leave the house ? – Don’t you know all web addicts are really Agoraphobic, which is how they got to be a web addict in the first place !11. That one is no problem, with all this modern up-to-date internet banking, i can balance my chequebook while i am on the web.12. Bed.. what is that then ??? – Does crashing out on the sofa count ??

Y2K Ballad

(sing to the tune of ”Gilligan’s Island”)

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date
Two digits for a date

RAM memory was smaller then;
Hard drives were tiny, too.
”Four digits are extravagant,
So let’s get by with two.
So let’s get by with two.”

”This works through 1999,”
The programmers did say.
”Unless we write new code by then
The data goes away.
The data goes away.”

But management had not a clue;
”It works fine now, you bet!
Rewriting code cost money,
We won’t do it just yet.
We won’t do it just yet.”

Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero less then ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.

The mail won’t bring your pension check;
It won’t be sent to you
When you’re no longer sixty-eight
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.

The problems we’re about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code’s
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure.

[[ key change, the big finish coming]]

There’s not much time, there’s too much code,
And COBOL-coders, few.
When the century is finished,
We may be finished, too.

If Cray ran Christmas…The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.

A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: What’s the problem?

User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: You’ll need a new power supply.

User: No, I don’t! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You’ll need to replace it.

User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

Ten minutes later, the User is still adamant that they are right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don’t normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

User: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.

Ten minutes later.

User: It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking.

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: That’s your problem there. That version of DOS didn’t come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

One hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.

Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.

Tech: Then what did he say?

User: He told me that my power supply isn’t compatible with NOSMOKE.

The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered “Star Wars”

15 New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.

14 He might not sound as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader’s seems to have helped his breathing immensely.

13 Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber.

12 Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to “Use the Fifth, Luke.”

11 The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba’s big brother, Pizza the Hut.

10 Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.

9 C3PO has a conspicuous “Intel Inside” sticker on his shiny brass ass.

8 Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin’ goatees.

7 New scene where Luke shakes JFK’s hand and tells him he has to pee.

6 Jabba the Butt-head saying, “Hehe…hehe…she said, ‘Lay ya.'”

5 Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how “Han Solo” got his name.

4 During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2’s special attachment.

3 Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.

2 The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star?Richard Jewell.

And the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered “Star Wars”…

1 Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi’s light saber in bar scene none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.

THE “FORWARDER’S” 12 STEP PROGRAM

Sometimes friends have to tell you things you might not like to hear, but need too. Everyone say it with me…

1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON’T forward an e-mail!

2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.

3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money. Victoria Secret doesn’t know anything about a gift certificate they’re supposed to send me.

4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!

5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.

6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail!(If you do, you have a virus or trojan.)

7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!

8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything!

He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and
DOESN’T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS!

9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we
send.

10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO,
NADA!!

11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individuals dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to.
The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.

12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into forwarding at email by telling me if I don’t I am not their friend or that I’m a bad person.

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will gain twenty pounds in the next three months!

(No, not really! If you believe that last statement, go back and read this message again!)