Category: computers

Q: What’s another name for the “Intel Inside” sticker they put on Pentiums? A: The warning label.

Refer to their clients as “users” Refer to their clients as “users” “The first one’s free!” ” Download a free trial version…” Have important overseas connections (to help move the stuff) Have important overseas connections (to help debug the code) Strange jargon: “Stick,” “Rock,” “Dime bag,” “E” Strange jargon: “SCSI,” “RTFM,” “Java,” “ISDN” Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 15- to 20-year-old market Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 15- to 20-year-old market Job is assisted by the industry’s producing newer, more potent mixes Job is assisted by industry’s producing newer, faster machines Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists Their product causes unhealthy addictions DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem ‘Nuff said Do your job well, and you can sleep with movie stars who depend on you Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!

There was this Hawaiian and fillipino man that wanted to learn how to hunt. So they met this indian man, the indian man took them to a forest and pitched a camp.

The next day they woke up the indian man came back with a huge bear over his shoulder. So the hawaiian and fillipino told the indian man how did you catch that bear the indian said when you go into the forest you look for the track and keep following it and there you will find what you are hunting for, so the hawaiian said my turn to go.

When he went into the forest he came back after two hours with a huge boar. so the fillipino man ask the Hawiian how you caught that Boar he said I did what the Indian said. So the next morning the fillipino got up and said it ‘s my turn so he went and he saw the biggest track ever so he followed it , after two hours the fillipino never came back then all of a sudden they here the fillopino coming through the bushes all cut up brusded up they asked him what happend he said I did what you guys said I when follow the track and follow the track and the fricken train when bang me.

The year is 2050 and Bill Gates has recently died. He goes
to God and God says to him,” Would you like to go to Heaven or
Hell?” Bill isn’t sure so he asks for a preview of both. First
God takes him to Hell. Bill sees fancy cars, piles of money,
and naked Playboy models. Then God takes him to Heaven. All
Bill sees are fat, naked babies with wings floating around.
Bill decides to go to Hell. God says he will check on him in a
week. A week later, God goes to Hell and finds Bill burning
under the Devil’s torch. Bill says to God,” Where are the cars,
money, and women?” God replies,” That was just a screen saver!”

Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.
He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.
You have a shuttle called “Billy Joe Bob”.
He refers to Klingons as “Critters”.
He refers to Photon Torpedoes as “Popguns”.
He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil.
He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.
He says “Got your ears on, good buddy” instead of “open hailing frequencies”.
He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.
He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.
He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.
He says “Yee-Ha!” instead of “Engage”.
He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.
He insists on calling his executive officer “Bubba”.
He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of “Bassmaster”.
He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.
He paints the starship John Deere green.
He refers to a Pulsar as a “Blue Light Special”.
He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a “swamp”.
His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.
He sings “Lucille” instead of “Kathleen”.
His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.
He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.
His idea of a “gas giant” is that big ol’ XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies.
He sets phaser to “Cajun”.

The world’s first fully computerised airliner was ready for its
maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the
loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the
steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane
and took their seats.

The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the
airplane taxied toward the runway.

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman,” a voice intoned as the
airplane lifted off. “Welcome to the debut of the world’s first
fully computerised airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run
electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go
wrong……..nothing can go wrong……nothing can go
wrong……”

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies

More and more people are having to make their own Ethernet cables, and the question comes up, “What color goes to what?”

Well, here’s an easy way to remember…

Note: Our “Send this Joke to A Friend” email thingy doesn’t transmit pictures. But if you see this in email, you can click on the link above!

Q:what is the difference between Bill Gates and a viberator?
A:a viberator is an artificial dick!

One of Microsoft Network’s finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.

At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.

The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.

The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off — whereupon he yelled toward the target area…

“It’s leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!”

In the beginning, there was the computer.

And God entered: C:>Let there be light!

Enter User ID

C:>God

Enter password

C:>Omniscient

Invalid password

Enter password

C:>Omnipotent

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

C:>Let there be light!

Unrecognizable command

C:>Create light

Done

C:>Run heaven and earth

And God created Day and Night. And God saw that there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

C:>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light

Unrecognizable command. Try again.

C:>Create firmament

Done.

C:>Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

C:>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and

Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

C:>Create dry_land

Done.

C:>Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

C:>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night

Unspecified type. Try again.

C:>Create sun_moon_stars

Done

C:>Run sun_moon_stars

And God separated the light from the darkness. The sun ruled over the day and the moon and stars ruled over the night. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

C:>Create fish

Done

C:>Create fowl

Done

C:>Run fish, fowl

And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

C:>Create cattle

Done

C:>Create creepy_things

Done

C:>Now let us make man in our image

Unspecified type. Try again.

C:>Create man

Done

C:>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and su`due it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth

Too many command operands. Try again.

C:>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 6 errors..

C:>Insert breath

Done

C:>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 5 errors.

C:>Move man to Garden of Eden

Filename: Garden of Eden does not exist. Abort, Retry, Ignore?

C:>Create Garden_of_Eden

Too many parameters

C:>Create Garden.edn

Done

C:>Move man to Garden.edn

Done

C:>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 4 errors.

C:>Copy woman from man

Done

C:>Run multiplication

Execution terminated.

2 errors.

C:>Create desire

Done

C:>Run multiplication

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

C:>Create freewill

Done

C:>Run freewill

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

C:>Undo desire

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

C:>Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

C:>Help

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

C:>Create tree_of_knowledge

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

C:>Create good, evil

Done

A:>Activate evil

And God saw he had created shame.

Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman no longer located in Garden.edn. 1 errors.

C:>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

Search failed. Abort, Retry, Ignore?

C:>Delete shame

Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

C:>Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

C:>Stop

Unrecognizable command. Try again

C:>Ctrl_Break

C:>Ctrl_Break

C:>Ctrl_Break

ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

C:>Create new world

You have exceeded allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.

C:>Destroy earth

Destroy earth: Please confirm.

C:>Destroy earth confirmed

COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICE WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.

On Saturday, March 7, God rested.

On March 8, God created Macintosh. And God saw that it was GOOD.

At the time of writing, Microsoft’s slogan for Windows 95 was “Where do you want to go today?” These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.1. Microsoft gives you Windows – OS/2 give you the whole house.