Category: computers

IBM: It’s Better Manually

This list is great for when your bored with nothing to do, you
can irritate other people and have a laugh at their expense!
Read on….

– Breast feed your twins at the statium

– Clap when the pianist pauses

– When coming up to traffic lights go real slow and when the
light goes amber speed up so that you get through and all the
cars behind you get stuck at the red light

– When waiting at traffic lights – beeb furiously the second the
light goes green and shout ‘come on, come on you arsehole’ out
the window

– Send invitations to all your ‘friends’ whom you don’t like
very much for a party at you house and don’t turn up!

– Send an email to all employees stating that you are the
administrator and that there is a virus and that nobody should
touch their computers for the next half hour, when your boss
walks by tut tut at the fact that nobody is working while
showing him your latest report on the increase of clients since
the date you started working for the company.

– Paint you nails on the airplane

– When on the train, go through all the ring tones on your phone
playing each one in full, when your finished go throught them
again.

– In the office keep clogging up the printer with a document
which is 600 pages long and then send a memo around telling
people to stop using your computer.

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a circuit was working not even in my mouse;
The files were all loaded on the hard disc with care,
In hopes that the FAT would list them as there.
The backups were nestled all snug in their sleeves,
To keep the bytes from dropping off them like leaves;
And the disc drive was quiet, taking a rest
Just waiting to run the next boot-up test.
When out of the speaker there arose such a clatter
I sprang to my desk to see what was the matter.

Away to the keyboard I flew like a flash,
Threw open the drive-door and heard a loud crash.
The lights on the breast of the new-fallen dust
Gave a luster of mid-day to a CRT covered with crust.
When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But a miniature sleigh and the eight data registers I fear.
With a little old driver, so lively and gloss
I knew in a moment he was a master of DOS.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled out and called them by name
“Now Binkley! Now Maximus! Now timEd and Squish!
On, Telix! On, X00! On, Bark and WaZoo!
To the top of the memory! To the top of the stack!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”
As leaves before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle mount to the sky,
So up on the screen the coursers they flew,

With a sleigh full of utilities, and DOS commands too.
As I drew back my head and was turning around,
Out the RS-232 port he came with a bound.
He was dressed all in ROM, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with bytes and some soot;
A bundle of data he had flung on his back,
And he looked like he had a program he wanted to crack.
His eyes — How they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose was a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a round little belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A flash of the CRT and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had lost programs to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the RAM; then turned, the big jerk,
And laying a finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, in the RS-232 port he goes.
He sprang to the sleigh, his team they all whistled,
And away they all flew like they had sat on a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he faded out of sight,
“Bug-free programs to all and to all a good night!”

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. “Why don’t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it’ll work!?”

Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better programmer. This went on for a few hours until they agreed to hold a contest with God as the judge. They sat at their computers and began.They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power was restored, and God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan was visibly upset, and cried, “I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out.””Very well, then,” God said, “Let us see if Jesus did any better.”Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers. Satan was astonished. He stuttered, “But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”God chuckled, “Jesus saves”

Here’s an easy game to play. Here’s an easy thing to say.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is
interrupted as a very last resort. And the address of the memory makes
your floppy disk abort. Then the socket packet pocket has an error to
report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the
double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is
corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash. Then your situation’s hopeless
and your system’s gonna crash!

You can’t say this? What a shame sir! We’ll find you another game, sir!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is
connected to the button on the mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on
another protocol.

That’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, And your screen
is all distorted by the side effects of Gauss, So your icons in the
windows are so wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out
with a bang, ‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk, And the
microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC. Then you have to flash your
memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and
be sure to tell your mom!

Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God Himself. The new product would be named, predictably enough, Microsoft God,” and would be available to consumers sometime in late 1998. Too many people feel separated from God in today’s world,” said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft’s new Religions division.

“Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with.” The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including:

Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah.

Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server.

Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve.

Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product will erase itself from the user’s system and establish a clear line of secure communications to the user’s Microsoft God server.

Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing a customized user interface. These interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new God product in much the same way as the previous version. This line is expected to include Microsoft Christianity, Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc.

Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is planning to release a competing product, Netscape Satanism, that would attempt to render Microsoft God installations inoperable.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

“Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?”

“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”

“How do I tell?”

“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”

“What’s a sea-prompt?”

“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”

“There isn’t any cursor, I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

“What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

“…….Yes, it is.”

“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

“No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

“…….Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

“I can’t reach.”

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

“No.”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.”

“Dark?”

“Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.”

“I can’t.”

“No? Why not?”

“Because there’s a power outage.”

“A power… A power outage? Ah, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

“Really? Is it that bad?”

“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

After only being married for six months, the unhappy wife made an
appointment with a divorce lawyer. “We met through a computer dating
service,” she said between sobs. “For the life of me, I’ll never
understand what that machine saw in him.”

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in a year.

You have a list of fifteen phone numbers to reach your family of three.

Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.

Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.

You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date…and now sells for half the price you paid.

Cleaning up the dining area means gettting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

You get most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person!

You consider second day air delivery painfully slow.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When you are counting objects, you go “0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D…”.

When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

When your wife says “If you don’t turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!”, and you chastise her for for omitting the “else” clause.

You try to s sleep(8 * 3600);

When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page..

When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialling an IP number…

When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.

When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

When you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you’re doing the math in octal.

When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.

“Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”

“How do I tell?”

[Uh-oh. Well, let’s give it a try anyway.] “Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”

“What’s a sea-prompt?”

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let’s try a different tack.] “Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”

“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

[Ah–at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he’s kicked out his/her monitor’s power plug.] “Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

“What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have little light that tells you when it’s on?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] “Yes, I think so.”

“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

[pause] “Yes, it is.”

[Hmm. Well, that’s interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don’t want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don’t know what kind of monitor s/he has and it’s bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

“No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

[muffled] “Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

[still muffled] “I can’t reach.”

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

[clear again] “No.”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle–it’s because it’s dark.”

“Dark?”

“Yes–the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.”

“I can’t.”

“No? Why not?”

“Because there’s a power outage.”

“A power–!?!” …[AAAAAAARGH!]

“A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

“Really? Is it that bad?”

“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

“Tell them you’re TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!” [slam]