Oh Boy…more warning signs!

On a cardboard windshield sun shade: “Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place”
(why…a duh!)

On an infant’s bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.
(ah-ha! So that’s what happened to my little sister!)

On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.
(oh sure…now they tell me!)

On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.
(aye matey…but the sharks love ’em!)

On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.

On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.

On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.
(well that’s just great…now what do I use!)

On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2- shipping and a $3-handling charge, for a total of $4.97.
(now you know WHY there was a Y2K bug!)

On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.

On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.
(he-he…I gotta try this one!)

On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.

On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.

On children’s alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
(hmmm…I think I’ll test this one out on my nephews 🙂

Technology for Rednecks

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hot.

LOG OFF: Too much wood on fire.

MONITOR: Keep’n an eye on the wood stove.

DOWNLOAD: Gitten the farwood off’n the truck.

MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerfull gitten the farwood.

FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha git from tryin ta tote too much farwood.

RAM: That thar thing what splits the farwood.

HARD DRIVE: Gitten home in the winter time.

WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it cold outside.

SCREEN: Whut to shut when its black fly season.

BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do.

CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.

MICRO CHIP: Whuts in the bottom of the munchie bag.

MODEM: Whatcha do in the hay fields.

DOT MATRIX: Ole Dan Matrix’s wife.

LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.

KEYBOARD: Whar you hang dem dang truck keys.

SOFTWARE: Dem dang plastic forks and knives.

MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn.

MOUSE PAD: That’s hippie talk fer whar the mouse lives.

MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.

PORT: Fancy flatlander wine.

ENTER: Northerner talk fer “C’Mon in y’all.”

CLICK: Whut ya hear when ya cock yer gun.

DOUBLE CLICK: When you cock the double barrel.

REBOOT: Whut ya hafta do right before bedtime, when ya hafta go
to the outhouse.

Helicopter

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign said ‘WHERE AM I?’ in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said ‘YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.’

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the ‘YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER’ sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded ‘I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer.’

Job Application

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job.”Murphy: “And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!”Manager: “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.”Murphy: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”Manager: “Simple. The American put down on question # 5, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down ‘Neither do I.'”

Modern Romance

Child: “Daddy, how was I born?”

Dad answered: “Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said —–

You’ve Got Male!

The Powerbook that Leaked

In 1993, sometime in December, a customer walks in with a dead PowerBook 165.

Fault description: hangs on startup. An additional symptom provided was: whilst being carried from the customer’s site to our service center, a ‘sloshing’ noise was heard within the machine.

“Has anything been split on this computer?” I inquired, but no, nothing of the sort had happened, protested the client vehemently. Taking this with a grain of salt (no-one’s going to admit doing something that totally invalidates their warranty and effectively wrecks their computer) I went about filling in the repair order. Back on the bench, I started the PowerBook up.

Sure enough, an address error on startup, just after ‘Welcome to Macintosh’. I lowered my ear to the keyboard, at which point I heard a crackling noise (couldn’t hear any sloshing noise though) and became aware of a rather ‘sharp’ odor which seemed to emanate from the inside of the machine.

Flicking the computer off and unplugging the adapter, I removed the battery from its compartment, only to observe that the entire battery casing was soaked in a fluid which appear to have a rainbow-like sheen (kind of like what a puddle of soapy water would look like — oily and colorful). I also noticed that the same fluid was leaking out of the battery compartment onto the static mat, but appeared clear rather than multi-colored. My first thoughts were that the battery had somehow leaked acid out into the guts of the PowerBook, which would account for the sharp smell (which reminded me of ammonia), yet the battery terminals were about the one part of the battery that was dry.

No, upon closer examination, I ruled the acid theory out. The battery was wet, but not leaking. Tipping the machine on its side, I watched more fluid run out and coagulate on the bench in a puddle about the size of a compact disc. It was definitely clear, and I observed that the ‘rainbow’ effect had been caused by the reaction of the plastic battery casing to this ‘mystery liquid’. I then unscrewed the computer and separated the two parts of the PowerBook. The smell suddenly became a LOT stronger. T

he hard disk looked like a solid lump of rust, and the daughterboard appeared to have about three barbecued chips. Although I was quickly forming my own opinions on what had happened, I invited several of my workmates in to take a sniff and offer an opinion. We were unanimous in our decision.

I rang the customer, who seemed surprised when I asked the question: “Do you have a cat?” As it turned out, he didn’t have a cat, but he did have a lovely fluffy bunny rabbit who was seen in the vicinity of the PowerBook only the day before.

Yes, there was no doubt about it, little fluffy had hopped up onto the keyboard and downloaded some incompatible data. I checked the warranty form, but there was no provision for failure due to rabbit urine anywhere. I advised the customer to get in touch with his insurance company.

In the end, the PowerBook was biffed and the customer upgraded to a 180c. I cleaned up the static mat and sprayed the service department with a healthy dosage of “Fresh Field of Flowers.”

I checked in with the customer about a week later, asked how was he enjoying the 180c, asked if he’d managed to restore his data, and, of course, asked how was his rabbit?

“Delicious,” he said.

Error Haikus

For those who don’t know – Haiku = 17 syllable 3 part Japanese poem

Imagine if your computer produced error messages in Haiku:

– – – – – – – – – – – –
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
– – – – – – – – – – – –
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
– – – – – – – – – – – –
Wind catches lily
scatt’ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault
– – – – – – – – – – – –
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
– – – – – – – – – – – –
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
– – – – – – – – – – – –
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
“My Novel” not found.
– – – – – – – – – – – –
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
– – – – – – – – – – – –
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
– – – – – – – – – – – –
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
– – – – – – – – – – – –
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
– – – – – – – – – – – –
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
– – – – – – – – – – – –
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy
– – – – – – – – – – – –
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
– – – – – – – – – – – –
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
– – – – – – – – – – – –
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Bart Simpson’s Chalkboard Archive

Bart Simpson’s Chalkboard Archive

I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I’m sick.
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher’s lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell “She’s Dead” at roll call.
The principal’s toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal “spud head”.
Goldfish don’t bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will never win an emmy.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say “Springfield” just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with “Hail Satan”.
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
I will not instigate revolution.
I will not draw naked ladies in class.
I did not see Elvis.
I will not call my teacher “Hot Cakes”.
Garlic gum is not funny.
They are laughing at me, not with me.
I will not yell “Fire” in a crowded classroom.
I will not encourage others to fly.
I will not fake my way through life.
Tar is not a plaything.
I will not Xerox my butt.
It’s potato, not potatoe.
I will not trade pants with others.
I am not a 32 year old woman.
I will not do that thing with my tongue.
I will not drive the principal’s car.
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
I will not sell school property.
I will not burp in class.
I will not cut corners.
I will not get very far with this attitude.
I will not belch the National Anthem.
I will not sell land in Florida.
I will not grease the monkey bars.
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
I will not do anything bad ever again.
I will not show off.
I will not sleep through my education.
I am not a dentist.
Spitwads are not free speech.
Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
High explosives and school don’t mix.
I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
I will not squeak chalk.
I will finish what I sta
“Bart Bucks” are not legal tender.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.