Category: computers

At the time of writing, Microsoft’s slogan for Windows 95 was “Where do you want to go today?” These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.11. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.

Don’t you wish when life is badand things just don’t compute,That all we really had to dowas stop and hit reboot?Things would all turn out ok,life could be so sweetIf we had those special keysCtrl, Alt, and DeleteYour boss is mad, your bills not paid,your wife, well she’s just muteJust stop and hit those wonderful keysthat make it all rebootYou’d like to have another jobbut you fear living in the street?You solve it all and start a new,Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

Humankind’s propensity for imposing anthropomorphic characteristics on inanimate objects has now reached computers. But, which gender should your PC be?

Here are the top ten reasons why they have to be male.

They have a lot of data, but they’re still clueless.
A better model is just around the corner.
They look nice and shiny until you get them home.
It’s always essential to have a backup.
They’ll do whatever you want if you push the right buttons.
The best part of having one is the games you can play.
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
The lights are on but nobody’s home.
Big power surges knock them out at night.
Size does matter.

But then again, here are the top ten reasons why they are obviously female.

They’re oh so picky, picky, picky.
They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
Beauty is only shell deep.
When you ask them what’s wrong, they always say ‘nothing’.
They can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
They are always turning simple statements into big productions.
Small talk is important.
You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it’s wrong.
They make you take the garbage out.
Miss a period and they go wild.

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support.
Waiter: What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.
Patron: No, it’s still there.
Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup; try eating it
with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind
of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration
problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do
with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed
the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the
Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I’m
running late now.

Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the
check.

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.
Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.

Waiter leaves.

Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day $2.50
Access to Support $1.00
TOTAL $8.50 + tax

YESTERDAY
—————
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There’s not half the files there used to be,
And there’s a milestone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.

Now all my data’s gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

============================================

Songs to program by…
Eleanor Rigby
———————

Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn’t it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while…

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

===================================

Unix Man (Nowhere Man)
————————————

He’s a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.

Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn’t he a bit like you
And me?

UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin’
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.

He’s as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me At all?

UNIX Man, don’t worry
Test with time(1), don’t hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.

He’s a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody …
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody.

==================================

Write in C (“Let it Be”)
————————————

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
“Write in C.”

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
“Write in C.”

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO’s dead and buried,
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

If you’ve just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC’s not the answer.
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won’t quite cut it.
Write in C.

=========================

Something
————————

Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm’s logic!
Something in the way it coredumps…
I don’t want to leave it now
I’ll fix this problem somehow

Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer’s got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me…
I don’t want to leave it now
I’m too close to leave it now

You’re asking me can this code go?
I don’t know, I don’t know…
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don’t know, I don’t know…

Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me…
I don’t want to leave it now
I’ll fix this tonight I vow!

Rom – Where the pope lives.

Here’s A Concise Sex Manual For Computer Experts:

1. Be user friendly.

2. Take bytes. (nibbles..hehe)

3. Fondle joystick.

4. Spread sheet.

5. Fix surge protector.

6. Activate hardware.

7. Insert disc, all the way. (yes! yes!)

8. Do it ’til it megabytes.

9. Back it up.

10. Eject floppy.

Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by Curtis

An Orange has more power than your new Macintosh.

– Alex Gill

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshiper.

The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God’s “only son” last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.

Sources close to Mary claim that she “had loved God for a long time,” that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was “thrilled to have had his child.”

In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that “No sexual relationship existed” and that “the facts of this story will come out in time, verily.”

Independent counsel Kenneth Beazulbub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives identified only as the “Wise Men”.

Beazulbub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.

Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beazulbub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.

In recent months, Beazulbub’s investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God’s political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.

Some journalists have speculated that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah may have been to divert attention away from God’s political problems. If these allegations prove to be true, this could be a huge blow to God’s career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.

Known for his fiery oratory, God has sometimes been criticized for his political theatrics, as when he introduced the bill he styled “The Ten Commandments” by appearing as a burning bush on the Senate floor.

Regardless of the outcome of the investigation, however, it is unlikely that a sitting God can be removed from power. Most legal scholars are in agreement that indicting God would constitute taking His name in vain.

Redmond, WA (AP) — Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system “Windows 2000” will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.

1. Debug code developed 4 years ago for a rush project with absolutely no documentation? Love to!
2. More documentation? Love to!

3. Why would anyone who spends every day of the week working on a computer want to spend any of their free time playing computer games?

4. Join in a Quake game? No thanks, I’m leaving early to spend some quality time with my friends and family.

5. Please – not pizza again.

6. Who wrote this? I’ve never seen such clean code! It should take me no time at all to debug it.

7. I’m really more of a morning person myself.

8. I’d really like to work in a big corporate environment where I can wear all of my favorite ties.

9. Microsoft – all the tools and support you’ll ever need.

10. I really don’t know the answer to that question.

11. From a network guy – No I’m sure it’s not an application issue – I probably just haven’t segmented the LAN correctly – I’ll get right on that.

12. From a developer – I have complete confidence in the network so why don’t I just take a look at my code.

13. It’s too simple, need more tables.

14. This field name is too descriptive, we love mystery here.

15. Please let me copy those 800MB source files over the network with my 32MB of RAM machine.

16. Yeah, give administrator permissions to EVERYBODY.

17. It will be done before deadline, under budget and with the extra features you wanted.

18. Oh, wow, more reports!!! WooHoo!!!

19. Data integrity?!?!? we don’t need no stinkin’ data integrity.

20. Go ahead, put that zip code in the Street name field.

21. We can always manually correct all those bad entries.

22. There’s no real difference between Text Strings and Numbers, it’s all zeros and ones after all…

23. Hey! I met the deadline! Woohoo!

24. Please let me wear a shirt and tie to work… I hate flip-flops.

25. Can you make a last minute change to the data structure. I like pressure.

26. Hey, call Microsoft! I bet they have the answer!

Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.