Category: computers

Bug – The reason you is a giv’n for calling in sick.

I work TS for an ISP, here are a few things that drive me nuts:

Tech: What is your User Name?
Cust: John Smith.
Tech: (searching for user name johnsmith to no avail) that’s your USER Name, your login name?
Cust: Yep.
Tech: .. (search for cust acct by last name, find a million Smiths.. finally find their acct.) We have your user name listed as ”wolf231”.
Cust: Yep.
Tech: Not John Smith.
Cust: Yep.
Tech: …

—-

Tech: What error message are you getting?
Cust: I’m not getting an error, it just won’t connect.
Tech: Nothing comes up when you try to connect?
Cust: Nope, nothing happens at all. It doesn’t say anything.
Tech: .. and nothing appears on the screen what-so-ever..?
Cust: Nope.
Tech: – Well.. What happens to lead you to believe that it isn’t working?
Cust: It says Error 691, User Name or Password..
Tech: That’s what we in the buisness call an ERROR MESSAGE.

—-

Tech: What error message are you getting?
Cust: Uhhh… cannot connect to you guys because it’s not working, is having problems.
Tech: Hmm.. well, I don’t think that is one of the standard RAS errors listed in the MS database..

—-

Cust: What in the hell is wrong with your server now!?!?!
Tech: Nothing, what error are you getting?
Cust: Error 666 Your modem or other connecting device is not functioning! (Or alternately) Error 680, There is no dial tone!

.. Now lets think about this one, I’ve gotten it many, MANY times. The error says there is no dial tone. Your modem cannot get a dial tone, so naturally, our server must be down. – Or the error says your modem is hosed.. once again, our server must be down. The point being, 90% of all callers assume it is automatically YOUR fault, no matter what the error says.

—-

Customer cannot read, or pronounce anything correctly. (Examples: Dis-enable soft-war comprehension..?)

Customer only has one phone line, but still insist that you stay on the phone while they try to connect..

Customer cannot understand the concept of having TWO mouse buttons.
Tech: Now Right-click on the icon and select Properties.
Cust: Ok, double click on it and.. I don’t see properties..

Tech: Goto My Computer on your desktop.
Cust: Yes, I have a computer on my desk.
Tech: No. There is an ICON on your desktop called My Computer, double click on it and it will open.
Cust: I don’t see Your Computer.
Tech: No, it is called My Computer, not literally mine, it’s just the name of it.
Cust: Ok.. just a sec.. – hm.. Now what is the desktop again?
Tech: .. It’s where the background is.. you know. It has all the little small pictures of stuff that you click on on it.

—-

Had a customer call, she was having problems install our software. After two hours of her not being able to articulate exactly what the problem was, it ended up being that she had our CD in upsi

10. Your opening line is: “So, what’s your homepage address?”

9. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see “Enhanced for Netscape 1.1” on one of the clouds.

8. You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Webpage with no links.

7. You felt driven to consult the “Cool Page of the Day” on your wedding day.

6. One of your best friends is Mirsky, and you’ve never met him.

5. You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that separates you the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death, and you desperately look for the “Back” button.

4. You visit “The Really Big Button That Doesn’t Do Anything” again and again and again.

3. Your dog has his own webpage.

2. So does your hamster.

1. When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.

10. When filling out your driver’s license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is “Hi, what’s your URL?”

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You’re amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You “ping” people to see if they’re awake, “finger” them to find out how they are, and “AYT” them to make sure they’re listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as “my [email protected]” and refer to your children as “client applications”.

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as “my domain server”.

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, “I feel so colon-right parentheses!”

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: “Pizza’s Here!”

At the time of writing, Microsoft’s slogan for Windows 95 was “Where do you want to go today?” These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.

:Top 10 Reasons Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ: ———————————————————–10. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. 9. Those who have it think that those who don’t are somehow inferior. 8. Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s neat, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it. 7. Many of those who don’t have it would like to try it (e-mail envy). 6. It’s more fun when it’s up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done. 5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. 4. If you don’t apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses. 3. If you use it too much, you’ll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. 2. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. 1. If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

1. LOG ON:

Makin a wood stove hotter.

2. LOG OFF:

Don’t add no more wood.

3. MONITOR:

Keepin an eye on the wood stove.

4. DOWNLOAD:

Gettin the farwood off the truk.

5. MEGA HERTZ:

When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.

6. FLOPPY DISC:

Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.

7. RAM:

That thar thing whut splits the farwood.

8. HARD DRIVE:

Gettin home in the winter time.

9. PROMPT:

Whut the mail ain’t in the winter time.

10. WINDOWS:

Whut to shut wen it’s cold outside.

11. SCREEN:

Whut to shut wen it’s blak fly season.

12. BYTE:

Whut them dang flys do.

13. CHIP:

Munchies fer the TV.

14. MICRO CHIP:

Whut’s in the bottom of the munchie bag.

15. MODEM:

Whut cha did to the hay fields.

16. DOT MATRIX:

Old Dan Matrix’s wife.

17. LAP TOP:

Whar the kitty sleeps.

18. KEYBOARD:

Whar ya hang the dang keys.

19. SOFTWARE:

Them dang plastic forks and knifs.

20. MOUSE:

Whut eats the grain in the barn.

21. MAINFRAME:

Holds up the barn roof.

22. PORT:

Fancy Flatlander wine

23. ENTER:

Northerner talk fer “C’mon in y’all”

24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY:

Wen ya cain’t ‘member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.

25. MOUSE PAD:

That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

Y2K Solution: ‘Millenium Year Application Software System’ (MYASS) We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as: ‘Millenium Year Application Software System’ (MYASS). Next Monday at 9:00 am there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. As for the status of implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it.Just this morning, I walked into a subordinate’s office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.I’ve noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me, ‘I’m a little nervous, I’ve never put anything in MYASS before.’ I volunteered to help her through her first time, and, when we were through, she admitted that it was relatively painless, and that she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that, after using SAP and ORACLE, she was ready to kiss MYASS. I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say, ‘Here, stick this in MYASS’. This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data, the agency representatives were amazed how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly, our Environmental Manager proudly stated, ‘Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS’.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

13> Gives his age as “39, version 5.”

12> Hires someone to purchase a sports car and pursue young bimbos.

11> Spends $6 on a new hairstyle.

10> “No, honey. I didn’t say I bought *a* Porsche…”

9> Replaced the animated paper clip Office Assistant with a Hooters waitress.

8> Grows beard and tints it gray to simulate the “look and feel” of Steven Jobs.

7> Keeps buying younger and younger companies.

6> Supermodel eggs? Pffft. Bill’s got him a six-pack of supermodels.

5> “The first rule of Microsoft Club is: Everyone Kisses My Ass In Microsoft Club!”

4> Same as everybody else: Decides to run for President.

3> Ignores his wife to spend time writing inappropriate code for a 16-year-old Apple Lisa.

2> Changed the name of his company to EnormousHard.

1> Joined the Personality Club for Men.

If the NSA ran Christmas…Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.

If IBM ran Christmas…They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.

Digital – The art of counting on your fingers.