Category: computers

Q: Why didn’t Intel call the Pentium the 586? A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

Terminal – Time to call da undertaker.

You Might Be Addicted to AOL if…

…..Tech Support calls “You” for help.
…..Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL
…..You have called out someone’s screen name while making love to your significant other.
…..You keep begging your friends to get an account so “we can hang out”
…..you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino’s
…..you’ve ever typed “drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone”
…..you have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it
…..you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences
…..you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing
…..when someone says “What did you say?” you reply “Scroll up!”
…..you sneak away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
…..you know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you do your own family’s.
…..you lie to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook
…..you have an identity crisis if someone else is using an s/n close to your own
…..you would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night on-line)
…..you’re broke, your modem burns out and you go out onto the streets to sell your body to get a new one
…..you marry your cyberboyfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room
…..you type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time
…..you won’t work at a job that doesn’t have a modem involved
….you sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists
….you look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy
….you have withdrawls if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours
….you use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one…hehehe)
….your buddy list has over 100 people on it
….you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get on-line before you have your first cup of coffee
….you wait 6 hours online for a certain “special” person to sign on
….you don’t know where the time has gone
….you end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil.
….your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had
….you get up at 2am to go the bathroom but go turn on your computer instead
….you don’t even notice anymore when someone has a typo
….when you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs or ***Kisses***
….you stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme
….your voicemail/answering machine message is “BRB, leave your s/n and I will TTYL”
….you type faster than you think
….being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult
…you are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you say “BRB” or “BBL”
….you spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room
…you’ve gone into an unstaffed tech support room and given tech support to other AOLers
….you have to be pryed from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life
…you meet people from AOL in public and have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name
…your last sexual experience was really just a “textual” experience

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa’s mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To [email protected] –

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa’s workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that’s just down the way

From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem – pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
“Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft’s SANTA that the kids can’t resist,
It’s the ultimate software with a traditional twist –
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get ’em young, keep ’em long, is Microsoft’s scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer’s dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away – wow!”

And Mama in her ‘kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and
deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity,
fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and
guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters
sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them
on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on
her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it
removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the
travelling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and
everyone you send “his” email to $1000?

How stupid are you? Ooooh, lookyhere! If I scroll down this page
and make a wish, I’ll get laid by every Playboy model in the
magazine! What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this message
is a big F*CK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing
better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe
the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment
and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which
was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country
by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the
year 2000, it’ll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for
longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.

Fuck them.

If you’re going to forward something, at least send me something
mildly amusing. I’ve seen all the “send this to 50 of your
closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human
being will somehow receive a nicke from some omniscient being”
forwards about 90 times. I don’t f*cking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually
contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it’s your
own unpopularity.

THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:

Chain Letter Type 1:

* (scroll down)

* Make a wish!!!

* No, really, go on and make one!!!

* Oh please, they’ll never go out with you!!!

* Wish something else!!!

* Not that, you pervert!!

* Is your finger getting tired yet?

* STOP!!!!

* Wasn’t that fun? 🙂

Hope you made a great wish:)

Now, to make you feel guilty, here’s what I’ll do. First of all,
if you don’t send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you
will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into
a pile of manure. It’s true!

Because, THIS letter isn’t like all of those fake ones, THIS one
is TRUE!!

Really!!! Here’s how it goes:

Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter.

Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you
for sending them a stupid chain letter.

Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you
for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on
your life.

Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at
you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your
house.

Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

——————————————————-

Chain Letter Type 2

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is
a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no
arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy’s life
could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a
dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless
Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and
remember, we have absolutley no way of counting the emails sent
and this is all a complete load of bullshit.

So go on, reach out.

Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder
– if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die
instantly.

Thanks again!!

—————————————————

Chain Letter Type 3

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897.
This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then
and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do.
So this is how it works: Pass this on to 15,067 people in the
next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

Bizarre Horror Story #1

Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She
had recently recieved this letter and ignored it. She then
tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was
gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying
out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died.

This Could Happen To You!!!

Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley. Just send this
letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.

——————————————————-

The point being?

If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you
shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If it’s funny, send it on.

Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper
in Botswana with no teeth, who’s been tied to a dead elephant
for 27 years, whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter he’ll
receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you’ll end up like
Miranda. Right? Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise
you’ll find all your knickers missing tomorrow morning.

A True Story….
A friend of mine worked for the local internet
company as a tech support guy, when one day he received a call
from a man who was obviously computer ignorant. The man told my
friend that his computer screen went black while he was using
it. He asked the man if the little light on his monitor was
still on, and the man said no. So then he asked him if the
computer was still pluged in. The man asked him to hold on while
he checked. A few minutes later, the man comes back and tells
him he can’t see the plug in because the electricity had went
off. Therefore, my friend told him to put his computer back in
the box and take it back to the store because he was too stupid
to own a computer!

A pilot was flying a small charter plane
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. He began circling around looking for a landmark.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with a guy working alone on the fifth floor. He banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, “Hey where am I?” to which the man replies, “You’re in an airplane.”

The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to perform a perfect blind landing on the airport runway 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. “Quite easy,” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East.”

A man was walking down the beach when he found a bottle. He picks up the bottle, and a genie comes out. The genie says that he will grant him one wish. ‘Well, I’d like to go to Hawaii. But, I’m afraid of flying and I don’t like the idea of going in a boat. So, I wish there was a bridge from here to Hawaii.’ says the man. ‘That’s impossible!’ says the genie. ‘You’ll have to make another wish.’ ‘Ok, I want to know how to be a successful computer programmer.’ says the man. ‘How many lanes do you want on that bridge?’ asks the genie.

Ha ha ha,very funny Scottie….

NOW BEAM DOWN MY CLOTHES!!

Sighting #1: I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, ‘Sure.’ The next thing I hear is, ‘Hey, where do you put the coffee?’ I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is unsuccessfully trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water. Sighting #2: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ I said, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ He smiled and nodded knowingly, ‘That’s why we ask.’ Sighting #3: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?’ Sighting #4: At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to ‘rightsizing,’ our manager spoke up and said, ‘This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often.’ Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck. Sighting #5: I worked with an Induhvidual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on. Sighting #6 (a rare ‘double Sighting’): A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they’d take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too. Sighting #7 (from Tech Support): Tech Support: ‘How much free space do you have on your hard drive?’ Induhvidual: ‘Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?’ Sighting #8 (from Tech Support): Induhvidual: Now what do I do? Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen? Induhvidual: It’s asking for ‘Enter Your Last Name.’ Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name. Induhvidual: How do you spell that?

Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to
her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!
Dear Mr. Baker,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic
expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect
that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying
harassment of my co-workers and myself during the commission of our duties, I
can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything
I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time,
but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network
computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself
and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of
cut and paste for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary
still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate
you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this
will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has
more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day,
shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look
about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually
have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent
will cover for your glaring ineptitude.
In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that
everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the
Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you
getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation,
however I have a few parting thoughts. 1. When someone calls you in reference to
employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you
can say to hurt me is I prefer not to comment. I will have friends randomly call
you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would
be unable to do it on your own. 2. I have all the passwords to every account on
the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years.
If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your favorites list, which I
conveniently saved when you made me back up your useless files. I do believe
that terms like Lolita are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to take pictures of your Mother’s
birthday, you neglected to mention that you were going to take nude pictures of
yourself in the mirror. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you
really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce
bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places
pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell
check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk
by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody and all of your little twisted
repugnant obsessions will be open to the public.
Never fuck with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you
do with all that free time!
Wishing you a grand and glorious day
Cecelia

Floppy disk – What you get from piling too much wood into your wood stove