Category: computers

Y2K Status Report…

”Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.

We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the ”Y-to-K” date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December

and…:

Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?

We’ll await your direction.”

User : Hello, my computer is reporting a fatal error!

Support : Well there’s nothing we can do now, you should have called us when it was still critical!

UNIX AirwaysEveryone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building. Air DOSEverybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on … Mac AirlinesAll the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don’t need to know, don’t want to know, are to stupid to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up. Windows AirThe terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever. Windows NT AirJust like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes. Linux AirDisgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself for free. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plan leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, “You had to do WHAT with the seat?”

Software – Plastic picnic utensils

Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Type “I’ll take my clothes off” in MS Word, then click on thesaurus.

In Microsoft Word type in “Bill Clinton” (without the quotes) and then
press shift+F7.

Maybe Microsoft can predict the future!?

Microsoft’s ad slogan for Windows 95 was “Where do you want to go today?”

Here are alternative slogans for the bloated OS:

1. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.

2. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!

3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.

4. Microsoft gives you Windows – OS/2 give you the whole house.

5. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.

6. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.

7. Error #152 – Windows not found:
(C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.

8. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better

9. I’ll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I’m trying.

10. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.

11. OS/2 … Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.

12. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [H]ell Yes!

13. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.

14. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.

15. How do you want to crash today?

IBM: Inferior But Marketable?

This is deadly serious, so don’t ignore it. Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system.

Beware of…

THE CLINTON Virus….
(Gives you a 6 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus…
(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

THE LEWINSKY virus…
(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus….
(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

THE MIKE TYSON virus….
(Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus….
(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb)

THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus….
(Deletes all old files)

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus…
(Disks can no longer be inserted)

THE PROZAC virus….
(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn’t care)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus…
(Only attacks minor files)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus
(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

…and last but not least…

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus…
(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

‘Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.’ –Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science,1949’I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.’ –Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943’I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.’ –The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957’But what … is it good for?’ –Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.’There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.’ –Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977’The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible.’ –A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)’If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this.’ –Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M ‘Post-It’ Notepads.And by far the best of all…’640K ought to be enough for anybody.’ — Bill Gates, 1981

Monitor – Keep an eye on the wood stove