Category: computers

99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code,….

> (Repeat until BUGS = 0)

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his
chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and
a comforting word. “My, you look tired,” she said. “You must
have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so
exhausted?”

“It was terrible,” her husband said. “The computer broke down
and all of us had to do our own thinking.”

If Thinking Machines ran Christmas…You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake.

The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.

Snow White relents and says “When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around.”

Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into water before she can.

The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?

Scroll down for the answer.
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Come on now, this should be easy for a person of your mental powers!
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The product being advertised is…
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SEVEN UP!

My Dear Husband,I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him. Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out. I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all. I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn’t mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I’m sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn’t be disturbed.Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George–err–Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she’ll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.Love,Your Wife

STATE-OF-THE-ARTAny computer you can’t afford.OBSOLETEAny computer you own.MICROSECONDThe time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.SYNTAX ERRORWalking into a computer store and saying… ‘Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.’HARD DRIVEThe sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.GUIWhat your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced ‘gooey’)KEYBOARDThe standard way to generate computer errors.MOUSEAn advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.FLOPPYThe state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.PORTABLE COMPUTERA device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.DISK CRASHA typical computer response to any critical deadline.POWER USERAnyone who can format a disk from DOS.SYSTEM UPDATEA quick method of trashing ALL of your software.486The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

Office Pranks on Induhviduals
—————————–

My favorite prank report from the field:

“A friend of mine who works with MRI machines bet the medical
salesman that he could not toss his wallet through the opening
in the MRI magnet–the one the patients’ head goes
through–without having the wallet touch the sides.

The Induhvidual’s wallet included all of his credit cards, which
were instantly demagnetized in the process.

Although it cost my friend a soda, the snicker factor made it
well worth the price.”

True Tales of Induhviduals
————————–

These true reports were filed by anonymous DNRC operatives:

Sighting #1:

I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes
and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I
said, “sure.”

The next thing I hear is, “Hey, where do you put the coffee?” I
turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and
is (unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by
plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the
floor are both covered with water.

[Editor’s note: Guess which one of these guys will be a senior
manager someday.]

Sighting #2:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport
employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge?”

I said, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?”

He smiled and nodded knowingly, “That’s why we ask.”

Sighting #3:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the
street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged
co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was
for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light
is red. She responded, appalled, “What on earth are blind people
doing DRIVING???”

Sighting #4:

At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving
the company due to “rightsizing,” our manager spoke up and said,
“This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often.”

Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like
deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #5:

I worked with an Induhvidual who plugged her power strip back
into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her
system would not turn on.

Sighting #6 (a rare “double sighting”):

A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought
if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font
they’d take up less room. When he told me I was with another
friend. She thought it was a good idea too.

Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):

Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard
drive?”

Induhvidual: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that
Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that
enough?”

Sighting #8 (from Tech Support):

Induhvidual: Now what do I do?

Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?

Induhvidual: It’s asking for “Enter Your Last Name.”

Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.

Induhvidual: How do you spell that?

Sighting #9 (from Tech Support):

We received a support call from a customer who had problems
connecting to some dial-in lines. He said he found a solution to
his connection problems and would like to share it with us.

When he heard his modem retraining upon dialing in, he would
pick up the phone and make a “Kckgkth” noise, like a modem, into
the phone. Then he would hang up and get a reliable connection.
He told us he would be glad to record this noise and send it to
us so that our other customers could benefit from it.

After we stopped rolling on the floor laughing, we told him he
was just inserting line noise and was connecting at a lower
speed.

14> With optional metal probe, Microsoft’s “Explorer” now explores more than just web sites.

13> Recycle Bin inexplicably replaced with an angry monkey.

12> Built-in Excel macro calculates *exactly* how many times Bill Gates can buy your sorry ass.

11> Calls your mother every time you log into porn sites.

10> Now incompatible with *all* hardware and software, instead of just the ones that I buy.

9> Crumple zones!

8> New “No Monopoly To See Here” background featuring a scrolling “Gee you’re looking very lovely today, Ms. Reno” message and a dewy-eyed Bill Gates cursor.

7> Helpfully locates and destroys all non-Microsoft software on your computer.

6> Illegal operation error message now includes WAV file saying, “I can’t do that, Dave.”

5> Final installation screen displays the message: “Thank you for upgrading to Windows 2000. Windows will now restart your machine and render your programs useless.”

4> First 3,500 customers to purchase Windows 2000 receive 12 free hours of antitrust litigation from Microsoft lawyers!

3> Crashes *twice* as fast as Windows 98!

2> New “Gatesland, Gatesland uber alles” welcome screen.

1> Free technical support until 1901!

[ The Top 5 List ] [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run out before the show’s host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.

“I’ve just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I’m not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow!”

“Relax, honey,” her husband, Roger, reassured her. “It will all be OK.”

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.
“Where are you going?” Jane asked.
“I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon” he replied.

Jane waited impatiently for Roger’s return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. “Honey, I managed to get tomorrow’s question and answer!”

“What is it?” she cried excitedly.
“OK. The question is: ‘What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?’
And the answer is ‘The head, the heart, and the penis.'”

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.
“The head, the heart, and the penis,” Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.

The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience
of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

“Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds.”

“Hmm, uhm, the head?” she said nervously. “Very good.
Six seconds.” “Eh, uh, the heart?” “Very good! Four seconds.”

“I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…”
“That’s close enough,” said the game show host, “CONGRATULATIONS!!”

Ten little gigabytes, waiting on line one caught a virus, then there were nine. Nine little gigabytes, holding just the date, someone jammed a write protect, then there were eight. Eight little gigabytes, should have been eleven, then they cut the budget, now there are seven. Seven little gigabytes, involved in mathematics stored an even larger prime, now there are six. Six little gigabytes, working like a hive, one died of overwork, now there are five. Five little gigabytes, trying to add more plugged in the wrong lead, now there are four. Four little gigabytes, failing frequently, one used for spare parts, now there are three. Three little gigabytes, have too much to do service man on holiday, now there are two. Two little gigabytes, badly overrun, took the work elsewhere, now just need one. One little gigabyte, systems far too small shut the whole thing down, now there’s none at all.

The computer service department has determined there is no longer any need
for network or software applications support.

The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by January, 1999.
Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. Here are the
main advantages.

1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done
3. No more wasted time reading and writing e-mails (or jokes on lol-jokes.com)

FAQ for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support (EASTS)

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What’s the shortcut for undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a new document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set background and foreground in the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don’t shake it.

How does a UNIX expert have sex?

Unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; unmount; sleep.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis