Category: computers

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, “COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED – ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!” He enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, “OK, truck drivers aren’t nerds.”

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, “Don’t worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don’t even need a license.”

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers – computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can’t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, “What’s wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season.”

“Well, sure,” says the patrolman, “But you can’t bait ’em!”

Chuck Norris, Arnold Swartzenagger, and Jean Claud VanDam, were talking one day. Chuck Norris asked, “If you were a musician, who would you be?”.

Chuck Norris said, “I would be Motzart.” Jean Claud VanDam said, “I would be Bethoven.” Arnold said, “I’ll be Bach!”

Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system ”Windows 2000” will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.

Dear Consumas:

It has come ta our attention dat a coupola copies of the WINDOWS
98/BROOKLYN EDITION may have accidentally bin shipped outsida
Broooklyn. If ya got one a dese, you may need some help
understandin’ da commands.

Da Brooklyn edition may be recognized by da unique openin’
screen. It reads: “WINDAS 98,” wit a background picture of Grand
Army Plaza.When you start da program, instead of da usual
“harpy, stringy” music, you hear da teme from da Godfadda. It is
also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.

Please also note:

– Recycle Bin is labeled “Staten Island.”
– My Computer is called “My Friggin’ Computa.”
– The Inbox is referred to as “Da Trunk.”
– Deleted Items are referred to as “Wacked,” “Erased,” or
“Rubbed Out.”
– Dial up Networking is called “Da Bar.”
– Control Panel is known as the “Da Bosses.”
– Performin’ an “illegal operation” is known as “enhancin’ the
family business” and will actually maximize da program instead
of shuttin’ it down.
– Hard Drive is referred to as “Da BQE Rush Hour.”
– Instead of an error message a “You ain’t gonna friggin’
believe dis!” pops up.

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA BROOKLYN EDITION:

OK………Sure ting
Cancel…..Fugetaboutit
Reset……Start Ova
Yes……..Yeah
No………Nah
Find…….Put a contract out on
Browse…..Get a looksee
Back…….U toin
Help…….(Help ain’t available – yous don’t need no stinkin’
help)
Stop…….Knock it off
Start……Move it!
Settings…Here’s d’ Rules

Also note dat any voice recognition software run on da BROOKLYN
EDITION platform don’t recognize da letter “R.”

Some programs and udder accessories dat are exclusive to WINDAS
98:

Typa……..A word processin’ program
Printa……Printer
Calculata…Calculator
Solitare….Seven Card Stud

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a
copy of da BROOKLYN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for
a replacement version.

Yous got a problem wit dat?

BILL (“4 eyes”) GATES

C:run
C:rundos
C:rundosrun

How do you know you are traveling in a car filled with Microsoft
support technicians??

When the car breaks down they get out, close all the windows and
try to restart, saying it will probably then work.

HEADLINES

1. Heroic dog drags problem child back into burning building.
2. Solar eclipse � Public says affirmative action taken overboard.
3. Half bodied lady rolls to Zimbabwe for free water.
4. Dead fish threat in sushi shop.
5. Heroic police officer risks life and limb rearming bomb in Mugabe�s suit.
6. Food poisoning caused by raw sushi.
7. Solar eclipse canceled due to full schedule.
8. Gay cow rapes sheep� twice.
9. Cow turns out to be Australian in cow costume.
10. Retard knocked over by parked car.
11. New Zealand man re-united with sheep father.
12. Retard turned fugitive after failed suicide.
13. Happy- unhappy.
14. Baby carrot run over, Doctors fear he could be a vegetable.
15. AIDS aids elderly man, adds seven years to life.
16. Sleeping man died on the job.
17. Iraq! The bomb to be.
18. Miracle leper goes missing after hot water turns to soup.
19. Man loses only left foot.
20. Baby goes missing after mysterious red mark on jet engine.
21. Letter paper cuts tongue. Tongue amputated.
22. English professor proves that �wow� can be written backwards.
23. Cat dies. Owner claims �She still had four lives left�.
24. Cradle snatcher �Peter� questioned about missing files.
25. Rolling Stones, 20 die.
26. Bill Cosby sues Trigonometry institute about over use of his name. (Cos b).
27. Miss interpretation of Rolling Stones causes havoc in valley of death.
28. Mom gets heart attack after finding dandruff on girl�s school shoes.
29. Boy found naked, Rabi not far behind.
30. Porno billboard causes 1000 car pileup.
31. Circumcision turns to castration at initiation service Doctor says �It is crime stop.�
32. Well known star goes missing in the night.
33. Girl placed in mental institute after paranoia of grape smell.
34. Flag desecrated homeless kept warm, in prison.

From The BAKSTEEN 1.5

Ballad of the Bobbitt Hillbillies!
Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies:

Here’s a little story of a man named John
A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone
It seems one night after gettin’ with the wife
She lopped off his schlong with a swipe of a knife
Pecker that is,
Rodeoed, fillet food

Well, the next thing you know there’s a ginsu by his side
And Lorena’s in the car taking willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her purple headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she rounded the bend
Curve, that is
Pricker shrubs, wheel hubs

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back
They sniffed and they barked, then they pointed “over there”
To John Wayne’s henry that was wavin’ in the air
Found, that is
By a fence, evidence

Now peter and John couldn’t stay apart too long
So a d***-doc said “Hey, I can fix your d**g!”
A needle and a thread’s just the thing you’re gonna need
Then the world held it’s breath till they heard that John peed
Whizzed, that is
Stitched seam, straight stream

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a cock-eyed lawyer (since his assets came up short)
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only one they didn’t show on tape

Video, that is,
Unexposed, case closed

Jason Bertch got to go on tour with the band Simple Plan. As he and the guys were looking out the window, they started talking.
“Wow. That one has a nice figure.” Pierre said. “With a nice shape.” David added. “It is also very firm looking.” Seb said. “It also is very big.” David added.
Suddenly Pierre looked up. “We were talking about the girls, David. Who were you talking about?” he said. David blushed. “Jason.”

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your support waiter, what seems to be the problem?

Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.

Patron: No, it’s still there.

Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re eating the soup, try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl, what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem, how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer, what has that to do with the fly in my soup?

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the “Soup of the Day”!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest “Soup of the Day”?

Patron: You have more than one “Soup of the Day” each day?

Waiter: Yes, the “Soup of the Day” is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the “Soup of the Day” now?

Waiter: The current “Soup of the Day” is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I’m running late now.

Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.

Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.

Waiter leaves.

Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day ….$5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day …. $2.50
Access to support ….$1.00

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Right To Life virus: Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God…

“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before in your case; I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”

Bill replied, ” Well, what’s the difference between the two?”

God said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, it if will help your decision.”

“Fine, but where should I go first?”

“I’ll leave that up to you.”

“Okay then,” said Bill, “Let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of BEAUTIFUL women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

“This is great!” he told God. “If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!”

“Fine,” said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. “Hmmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told God.

“Fine,” retorted God, “as you desire.”

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

“How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water????!”

“Oh, that?…That was a DEMO,” replied God.