Yours Fun Portal !
I work at an ISP doing tech support. The most common question I get are
from “hillbilly” callers. Most of them don’t know that they are even
connected…. On the bright side a few of them do…only to *sigh*
comment, “I got a really fast connection, but I thought there was so much
more to the Internet than this damn clock.”
My favorite has been from former AOL users, “I’ve been watching this clock
ticking for about an hour and a half and nothing has happened yet!”
There were 3 men, a chiness japenesse and an american. They all
went flying in an airplane then they flew over china
and the chiness dopped an apple to represent his country then
they landed the plane in china and saw some1 crying and asked
him what was a matter he said he was walkin down the street and
a apple fell out of the sky and hit him in the head so
they got in the plane and flew over japan and the japanesse man
dropped a bannana peel in japan so they landed in japan and
saw a guy crying and they asked him why he was crying and the
boy said he was walkin down the street and slipped on a bannana
peel so they got back in the plane and flew over america and
the american dropped a bomb and then they landed the
plane and saw some1 crying and they asked him why was he crying?
and he said he walked by his house and he farted and his house
blew up
Screen – What is a must during black fly season
Hollywood is working on a year 2005 version of Robin Hood.
In this one, Robin Hood steals stock options from dot-com billionaires and gives them to people he finds reading “Computers for Dummies” books.
Stallone, Tony Danza ,and Arnold Swarzanagger are all going to be in a musical about famous composers.
Stallone wants to be Mozart, Danza says he’ll be Bethoven, and Swarzanagger says “I’ll be Bach!”
Dot Matrix – Eino Matrix’s wife
13. Clicked the bucket
12. www.he’s-dead,-jim.com
11. Invested in Pointcast
10. Visiting the Chat Tomb
9. No longer able to view the web’s hottest women
8. </life.
7. Opened “GOOD TIMES!”
6. Transferred to WWW.HasBecome.Com/post
5. 404ever, Pulse Not Found
4. Installed the Kevorkian Plug-n-Play
3. www.MyFirstCoronary.com
2. Assigned to the Hale Bopp Project
1. It Doesn’t Matter Whether You’ve Got Mail
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR KID IS TAKING DWEEBONICS CLASSES
10. They tilt their head sideways to smile.
9. When you ground them, they say, “Your UI could really use some work.”
8. They say, “My dad can beat your dad at Quake.”
7. Instead of laughing, they say, “LOL.”
6. They insult kids by saying, “And you’ve got limited bandwidth!”
5. They change the answering machine message to “BRB, leave your URL, and we’ll TTYL.”
4. This is how they ask someone out on a date: “Umm, uh, well…see ya!”
3. Calling from camp, your homesick child says, “I’m roaming outside my service area!”
2. When you ask if they’ve finished their book report, they say, “It’s in beta, but it’ll ship in time.”
1. You’re telling them something they don’t want to hear. They’re saying, “NAK, NAK, NAK” the whole time.
Q: What does the Star Trek Enterprise and tiolet paper have in common?
A: They both circle around uranus searching for klingons!
10. All the adult sites now have photos of nude Bill Gates. 9. You turn on the computer and it starts spitting out $50 bills. 8. Attacks processor by decreasing RAM by 20MB–basically turns cursor into Ms. Pac-Man. 7. All your software now registered to some guy named “Shecky.” 6. Erases hard drive, replaces it with exactly what was there before. 5. You now have access to only 48,765 ‘N Sync sites. 4. Every time you type the phrase “saucer of milk,” computer meows. 3. Turns computer monitor into television that only shows CBS. 2. Emails your friends telling them you actually bought one of those George Foreman grills. 1. It’s programmed to go off sometime in the year 1963. Source: David Letterman show
If you receive an email entitled “Crazy Times” delete it immediately. Do not open it! Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
1) It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
2) It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
3) It reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you attempt to play.
4) It will re-calibrate your refrigerator’s coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
5) It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law’s number.
6) This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
7) It will drink all your beer.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
9) Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.
10) It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
11) It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
12) It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
13) It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
14) If the “Crazy Times” message is opened in a Windows 95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
15) It will not only remove the tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skimmed milk with whole milk.
16) It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
1 It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.(Remember Brut 33 ?)
It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection.
In order to streamline the handling of problems within the system. Please fill out the following questionnaire before sending it in for Help. With your co-operation we should be able to provide faster and more efficient fault resolution.
COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM
1. Describe your problem:
______________________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
______________________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
____________________________-_________________________
4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__
10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
11. Are you sure you’ve read the manual? Yes__ No__
12. Are you absolutely certain you’ve read the manual? No__
13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
14. If ‘Yes’ then why can’t you fix the problem yourself?
______________________________________________________
15. How tall are you? Are you above this line?
______________________________________________________
16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem
occurred?
______________________________________________________
17. If ‘nothing’ explain why you were logged in.
______________________________________________________
18. Are you sure you aren’t imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
19. How does this problem make you feel?
_____________________________________________________
20. Tell me about your childhood.
_____________________________________________________
21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__
22. Can’t you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__