Yours Fun Portal !
Whats the difference between MAC, Windows, and UNIX when trying to delete
an important file?
A MAC says, “I’m sorry, this file is important and it would harm your
system if you delete it.”
A Windows machine says, “Deleting this file may cause some programs not to
run on your computer, are you sure you wish to delete it?”
A Unix machine says, “Woops, you fucked up!”
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.
(From a machine at a college dorm:)
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.
Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
(Narrator’s voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
“Hi. Now you say something.”
“Hi, I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.” beep “Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?”
(From my Japanese friend in Toronto)
He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!
“Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.”
“Hello, this is Sally’s microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I’m stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.’
“Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.”
“This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.”
“Hi. I am probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like.
Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.”
“Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.”
“If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.”
“You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.”
“You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your*voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.
There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.”
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
If Whoopi Goldberg married Peter Cushin – she’d be whoopi Cushin!
Why Dogs don’t surf the web…
Can’t stick their heads out of Windows 2000.
Too difficult to “mark” every website they visit.
Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear “You’ve Got Mail.”
Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they’re browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
‘Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…
Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manouever.
Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.masters.leg.
Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support waiter.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.
Patron: No, it’s still there.
Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem.
How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.
I’m running late now!
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.
Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.
Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00
Gates Says: We will fix any problems with Netscape.
He Means: We’ll take them out of buisness.
Gates Says: There is a flight simulator hidden inside Excel ’98.
He Means: There is one screen shot and an order form charging $80 for the
Flight Simulator.
Gates Says: I will not cheat.
He Means: I will bend the rules.
Gates Says: We will create the best opearting system ever!
He Means: We’ll take everyone else out of buisness, making our OS the only
one, and that makes it the best.
It’s a simple feat to format and reuse AOL disks…but with a little imagination, a truly useful purpose can be found for those pesky white platters invading our mailboxes and magazines.
1. Mini cutting board (great for the office or the car, use metal door for knife).
2. Attach it to a ruler and presto! – you’ve got a fly swatter.
3. Construct a life size replica of Stonehenge.
4. At a restaurant, shove one under a wobbling table leg.
5. Money clip (use the metal door and discard the plastic case…the “rich nerd” look is IN this year).
6. Eye patch (for one-eyed software pirates).
7. Christmas ornaments (the more the merrier).
8. Give them to young children to use as building blocks.
9. Glue them to the bottom of the space shuttle and use them as re-entry burn tiles.
10. Dentures (melt & form them into new teeth for grandma).
11. Room dividers for hamsters.
12. Drink coasters.
13. Use multiple disks to create an ideal door stopper.
14. Ice scraper.
15. Bathroom tile.
16. Bookmark.
17. Mini frisbee.
18. Air hockey puck.
19. Dog chew toy.
20. Dart board.
21. Pooper scooper.
22. Grill scraper.
23. Use them for karate board-breaking demonstrations (save a tree).
24. Wrist slicer — after receiving first AOL bill (use metal door).
25. Conversation piece for coffee table.
26. Destroy them — smash, burn, or run over to relieve stress.
27. Light switch cover.
28. Chinese throwing stars (tape 2 together).
29. Clay pigeons for target practice.
30. Greeting card (bind two together at one end).
31. Halloween treat (give them away all night long).
32. Bullet proof vest (arrange together in triple thickness).
33. Firewood.
34. Bird house.
35. Paper weights.
36. Pen holders (make a box without a top).
37. Post-it notes holder.
38. Refrigerator magnet (glue a magnet to the back).
39. A very sturdy base for putting the motorcycle sidestand on when parking on soft surfaces.
40. Keep ’em in the trunk for extra traction in the snow.
41. Solar Eclipse Glasses (open door and look through disk at the sun/moon — actually works).
42. Placing one in each back pocket helps children who get paddled by the coach. This spreads the force to a wider area.
43. Make an AOL disk & pasta casserole.
44. Incense burners (put stick in hole of disk hub and light the incense).
45. Bug Shield (glue a bunch to the front of your car’s hood).
46. Put them on car windshields at the mall (along with this list).
47. Melt the plastic of the disks into a giant sculpture.
48. Hand them out as party favors.
49. Hidden/spare key holder (crack open one side, insert key and then place near door. Completely safe…who would want an AOL disk?).
50. Vertical blinds.
51. Be an AOL diskette surgeon and disect a diskette.
52. Bench press weights (I can press 120).
53. Grind ’em up and refertilize the front lawn.
54. The new “Domino’s stuffed-crust pizza” filling.
55. Tell the kids to leave warm milk & AOL disks for Santa.
56. Brake shoes.
57. House insulation.
58. Recycle them for the scrap metal.
59. Kitchen tile for Bill Gates’ new mansion in Seattle (walk all over the competition).
60. Hockey Puck.
61. Add water and special plant life to make a Chia-Disk.
62. Noise maker for your bike spokes (why damage your valuable baseball cards).
63. Put one on a leash and drag it along as you walk…makes the perfect pet.
64. Poker chips.
65. Baseball practice (throw them up in the air and hit them with the bat).
66. Keychain (Put a key ring through one of the write-protect holes and you’ve got a snappy executive bathroom keychain for the office).
67. Mail to 10 friends — start an AOL chain-letter (add a disk with each link).
68. Earmuffs (glue some fur on one side, then attach a U-shaped piece of bent coathanger to both disks).
69. Grind them up to make fake snow.
70. Earrings (put loop into write-protect hole).
71. Dental floss (use actual disk).
72. Use them for zipper pulls (instead of ski lift tickets).
73. When your collection of disks reaches 52, use them for a deck of cards.
74. Use them to fill potholes.
75. Hood ornament.
76. Snow blower replacement blades.
77. Put them in your shirt pocket to make you look smart.
78. Make two stacks of 10 and use them as heels for platform shoes.
79. Rubik’s cube case (make into box).
80. Shipping material (keeps your photos from being bent in the mail).
81. Protect your table from burns caused by hot pots and pans.
82. Snack trays (great for holding hors d’oeuvres at parties).
83. Give them as stocking stuffers to all those people who get you mad.
84. Fly paper (use actual disk and put string through middle, hang 2″ apart and apply honey to disks).
85. Pocket protector (gee Gilbert I really like your new pocket protector — thanks, Lewis).
86. They make a *dandy* addition to a #$*+&% neighbor’s back yard. Better yet, get them to actually install it on their computer.
87. Use them as elbow and knee pads.
88. Wax scraper for snowboards.
89. Use them to decorate your aquarium and create Computer City under water.
90. Tape a few together and use them as a mouse pad.
91. Collect a large mass and detonate a supernova.
92. A wind clacker (similar to a wind chime).
93. Soap dish (remove metal to prevent rusting).
94. Row markers for your vegetable garden. (carrots, beans, peas….).
95. Makes the perfect dance floor for your ant colony.
96. Bread roller (use actual disks and put rod through center-use about 100).
97. Hot glue gun resting/protecting pad.
98. Baby mobile.
99. Fence (may need a few thousand).
100. Toe tags for mortuaries. Great for identifying dead computer nerds.
101. Wonderbra inserts for that Madonna-techno look.
A girl phoned me the other day and said …. Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “do you think we’ll ever find them? He said, “I don’t know kid, there are so many places they can hide.
January 1, 2000
Dear (enter employee name here)
Re: Vacation Pay
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I’m sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.
One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing
Mouse – What leaves those little turds in the cupboard
DOS Beer — Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it’s no longer available.
QUESTION:
Where do the characters go when I use the backspace or delete key on my PC?
ANSWER:
If you must know, the characters can go to different places, depending on
whom you ask:
—————————-
1) The Catholic’s approach to characters:
The nice characters go to character heaven, where life is good. The
characters are bathed in the light of happiness, all their troubles are
soothed, and there’s not a delete key, eraser, or white-out bottle in
sight. Most of the nice characters are A’s and I’s, those that have never
been, er, involved with other characters. Often, you’ll see A’s or I’s
with N’s or T’s. These are characters in love: monogamous on the page,
together again after deletion. You’ll see quite a few Q’s too. They seem
to feel particularly guilty for no good reason.
The naughty characters are punished for their sins. In case you were
wondering what the difference between a nice character and a naughty
character is, I’ll tell you. Naughty characters are those involved in the
creation of naughty words, such as “breast,” “sex,” “objectivity,” and
depending upon usage, words such as “feminism,” “reproductive freedom,”
“contraception,” and “science.” You may ask, and rightly so, why the
characters are blamed for the words they assemble, when in fact they are
not responsible for their own configuration. But we feel that a character
has an obligation to oppose any naughtiness in its own configuration. If
it truly felt guilty about the word it was forming, it would rebel.
———————————
2) The Buddhist Explanation:
If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has
been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character.
Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become
numbers, numbers will become letters, lower-case letters will become
upper-case, and the most righteous and good of letters will become C’s.
Why C, you ask? Who knows, but C it is! If a character’s karma is not so
good, then it will move down the above scale, ultimately becoming the
lowest of characters, a space.
————————————–
3) The 20th Century bitter cynical nihilist explanation:
Who cares? All characters are the same, swirling in a vast sea of
meaningless nothingness. It doesn’t really matter if they’re on the page,
deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It’s all the same. More characters
should delete themselves. (nihilist characters are easy to identify.
They’re usually pale and tragic, and they smoke a lot.)
————————————–
4) The Mac user’s explanation:
All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go straight to PC
hell. If you’re using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters,
because you’re in PC hell also.
————————————–
5) Stephen King’s explanation:
Every time you hit the key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor,
who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood,
then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
————————————-
6) Dave Barry’s explanation:
The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where
they’re made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so
flammable, while cheap imitations are not as flammable. I’m not making any
of this up.
————————————-
7) IBM’s explanation:
The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are
needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them.
Get a life.
————————————-
8) Environmentalist’s Explanation:
You’ve been DELETING them???? Can’t you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don’t
you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!