Category: computers

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations

REDMOND, Wash. – Jul. 1, 1998 — In direct response to accusations made by
the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it
will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America
for an undisclosed sum.

“It’s actually a logical extension of our planned growth”, said Microsoft
chairman Bill Gates, “It really is going to be a positive arrangement for
everyone”.

Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White
House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press
that changes will be “minimal”. The United States will be managed as a
wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned
for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be
profitable by “Q4 1999 at latest”, according to Microsoft president Steve
Ballmer.

In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had “willingly and
enthusiastically” accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft,
and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting
directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of
executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as “a
relief”. He went on to say that Gates has a “proven track record”, and
that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their “full support and confidence”.

Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he
has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.

Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as
“silly”, though did say that he would make executive decisions for the
U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates
went on to say that the House and Senate would “of course” be abolished.
“Microsoft isn’t a democracy”, he observed,”and look how well we’re doing”.

When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding,
Gates said, “We don’t deny that discussions are taking place”.

Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United
States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in
government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.

About Microsoft

Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ “MSFT”) is the worldwide leader in
software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company
offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and
personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more
enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal
computing and free society every day.

About the United States

Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful
nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and
opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the
United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

10. Microsoft to court: “What do you mean precisely by ‘world domination’?”

9. Lawrence Lessig used to steal Gates’ lunch money in grade school. No fair!

8. Request to clear the courtroom of disruptive laid-off Netscape employees.

7. Joel Klein using Mac laptop to take notes–prejudiced!

6. Please make Ralph Nader put down his bullhorn while court is in session.

5. Please ask FBI Director Freeh to cease and desist Stealth flyovers of Redmond.

4. Court recorder saying, “Wait a minute, I have to reboot,” not helping their case.

3. Request that Judge Jackson not refer to Microsoft lawyers as “you people.”

2. Removing MS lawyer Bill Neukom from the courtroom in shackles after every session is demeaning.

1. Court’s request to install airbags and seat belts in Windows might be slightly extreme.

Jay Leno Jokes from the Tonight Show…

Pharmaceutical companies that make birth control pills are telling teenage girls that taking the pill can help clear up their skin. Do you think that’s true? I think there is a better chance of clearing up the boyfriend’s skin …

Fashion experts say that President Bush is helping bring back cowboy boots and cowboy hats. See, so it is not just for male strippers anymore …

LeAnn Rimes apologized to fans for the quality of her new album. Isn’t that unbelievable? If LeAnn Rimes has to apologize for her album, what the heck is Kathie Lee going to do, commit suicide?

In an interview with Vanity Fair magazine, Hugh Hefner admitted having 7 girlfriends, one for each night of the week … Someone should tell him those are called nurses. He said they all have sex together in the same bed. He said Viagra makes it possible … I think money makes it possible!

Surgeons in Britain amputated the hand of the world’s first hand transplant patient because the guy requested it, after his body rejected it. How depressing is that? It’s bad enough getting rejected by women, but guys, when your own hand turns you down?

According to a new government report, the military is running out of bullets. We are running out of ammunition! Oh good … let’s tell our enemies … that’s what I love about our country, you can’t tell your sexual preference in the Navy, but you can tell our enemies we’re running out of ammunition. “We don’t have any bullets, and I can’t tell you if I’m gay.”

Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
*****
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose … it’s how drunk you get.
*****
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
*****
It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
*****
Homer: Are you saying you’re never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh… ooh… yeah… right, Lisa. A wonderful… magical animal.
*****
Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can’t he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who’s being naive?
*****
Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That’s because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!
*****
Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart’s a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let’s go back to that… building…thingie… where our beds and TV… is.
*****
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
*****
Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I’m going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!
*****
Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you’re here?
Homer’s brain: Don’t say revenge. Don’t say revenge.
Homer: Ummm… revenge?
Homer’s brain: Okay, that’s it. I’m outta here. (step step step step step…slam)
*****
Homer: Okay, brain. You don’t like me, and I don’t like you, but let’s get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer’s Brain: It’s a deal!
*****
Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?
*****
Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you’d step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer)
*****
Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooo, that’s bad.
Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt!
Homer: That’s good!
Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That’s bad.
Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer: That’s good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate…
Homer: (confused look)
Old man: That’s bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
*****
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.
*****
Homer’s brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer’s brain: Okay, don’t use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!
*****
Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie — Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie — Police Academy.
*****
Marge: Homer, did you call the audience “Chicken”?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That’s not a bible. That’s a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm… fuzzy.
*****
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car’s okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
*****
Mmmmm… reprocessed pig fat…
*****
(praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever… thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch).
*****
What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.

DANGER: new viruses discovered!:

Turner Virus : When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.

Government Ecomomist Virus : Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order Virus : Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Capewell Commission Virus : Won’t allow you to open your files for 75 years.

Boss Virus : Makes your screen go completely white.

National Front Virus : Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Texas Virus : Makes sure it’s bigger than any other file.

Adam And Eve Virus : Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Edgars Virus : Constantly tries to prove it’s virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.

Airline Virus : You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus : Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Tec Virus : Your PC stops what it’s doing every few minutes to ask for money.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus : Nobody can find it.

Townsend Virus : Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.

Healthcare Virus : Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends a you a bill for �2,500.

Walsall Police Station Virus : It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defence”.

Edmonds Virus : When you save a file, it prints, “I am saved!” to the screen.

Michael Jackson Virus : Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This Virus won’t harm your PC, but it will wreck your car.

And finally…
Chamber Virus : poses as a harmless list of funny computer Virus names! Is quickly passed from one user to all other users known via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing

How to Tell If You’re Addicted To E-mail

1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

2. You name your children Eudora, Aol and Dotcom.

3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap…and your child in the overhead compartment.

5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

6. You laugh at people with 28.8 KBPS- modems.

7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

8. You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com

9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

10. You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem.

11. You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.

12. You don’t know what gender three of your closest friends are, because
they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.

13. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

14. You tell the cab driver you live at http://www.edison~/garden/house/brick.html

15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

16. After reading this message, you immediately E-mail it

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate: This fire help. Me Groog Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work. You have flint and stone? Ugh You hit them together? Ugh What happen? Fire not work (sigh) Make spark? No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday. *sigh* You change rock? I change nothing You sure? Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn’t keep Lorto from make fire. *Grabs club and goes to Lorto’s cave*

At the time of writing, Microsoft’s slogan for Windows 95 was “Where do you want to go today?” These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.2. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriend Plus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiance 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiance 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it’s a memory hogger: has taken up all his space.

Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything and seems to conflict/interfere with other tasks running such as hockey 2.1, squash 3.01 and boys out 1.2. Although he didn’t ask for them, Wife 1.0 came with auto-installed Plug-Ins such as Mother In Law and Brother In Law.

Some features I’d like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend 4.0…
– A “Don’t remind me again” button
– Minimize button
– Shutdown feature
– An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don’t lose cache and other objects)
– “Abort” button (O.K. that one’s pretty bad – but had to say it)

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn’t have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks–in all versions of Girlfriend that I’ve used is that it is totally “object orientated” and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

***** BUG WARNING ********

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. Wife 1.0 will then spawn off the virus Lawyer 6.66 which, when activated, consumes all available resources and brings your system to it’s knees. The funny thing is, if you try to hide Mistress 1.1 in high memory, Wife 1.0 will eventually detect it and begin the process described above.

16> Rather than reboot your PC to fix the problem, she suggests you sacrifice a chicken.15> John Smith… could you please spell that for me, sir?14> The hold music? Nothing but sitars, gongs, pan flutes and bagpipes.13> He tells you the problem with your Gateway computer is that you’re worshipping false bovine idols..12> The loud noises in the background are perfectly in synch with exploding bombs on live CNN war coverage.11> [Burrrp!] So sorry — my fermented yak milk is repeating on me today.10> Her first step toward solving your DVD player problem is instructing you to ejaculate the disk.9> You accuse him of giving you the runaround. He corrects you, saying in his culture it’s known as the eightfold path.8> To sweeten the deal, he offers to throw in a couple of Russian orphans.7> No, you stupid cow — I said CLOCKWISE! Great Buddha, you are dense!6> And while I have you on the phone, Mrs. Smith, may I tell you about my aunt, the widow of the deceased chief secretary to the deposed Prince Regent of Nigeria? You see, he’s living in exile and he has all of this money….5> I’m sorry, Wing-Ma took the morning off for maternity leave. She’ll be back after lunch.4> Boy, what a commute this morning. My bus plunged off a mountainside — again!3> Hi, my name is Bob Deathtoamerica. How may I help you?2> Would you like to add the extended service agreement for an additional 80 wildebeest furs?1> I am sorry, but it is quite sunny here today, so I have no place to stick your overdraft notice. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.

AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her efective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. “Yeah, I got me a couple of friends,”the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, “Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.”

Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “bad and an invalid”. The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally.

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and
nothing happens.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked “What power switch?”