Category: computers

Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?

A. Nope, they’re the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean “up”, as in “look up at the screen”. Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?

A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author’s Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it’s your computer, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation

A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with “huh” and ! with “zowie”.

Q. I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT”S STUCK DOWN NOW

A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a hand held blow dryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished.

Q. Why are there are no “shift” keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labelled “hif”?

A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.

Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?

A. Yes, although instead of the notation “shift”, the key may be labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you’re using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin’ words ‘n stuff on it.

Q. I’m sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?

A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equipped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word “shift” very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to “train” the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.

Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?

A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it’s better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.

Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?

A. They aren’t. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!

Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?

A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don’t worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.

Q. No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn’t seem to work. What’s wrong?

A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life. Before rushing blindly ahead with a lot of shifting, consult the spiritual advisor of your choice for help in dealing with any unresolved issues in your relationship with the Almighty.

Bill Gates dies and is up at the pearly gates.
St Peter: Well, you’ve got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out, and then let me know your decision.
Bill has a look around heaven. Lots’s of somber people singing hymns, praising the Lord .
He goes down to Hell. There are beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, attractive women . Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He loves it. He goes back to St Peter.
Gates: Look, I know you’re really doing good things here, but Hell seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard feelings, but I pick Hell.
St Peter: No worries. You’ve got it.
Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. He can’t figure it out.
Gates: Hey! St Peter! Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches and cool drinks?
St Peter: Sorry if you got confused, That was just the beta version

Herewith is a compendium of movie clich�s, stereotypes, obligatory scenes, hackneyed formulas, shopworn conventions and outdated archetypes.

The author says that as you go to enough different movies, you start to notice things. Like how every time there’s a chase scene in an exotic locale, a fruit cart gets overturned. Or how whenever the hero knocks out a Nazi sentry and puts on his uniform, the uniform is a perfect fit. Or how there are plots that would be over in five minutes, if all characters weren’t idiots.

Actress Inferior Position – In movie sex scenes, which are usually directed by men, the POV (Point of View) at the moment of climax is almost always the man’s, so that we see the actress, not the actor, losing control.

AC-WAT-NOBI Movie – A Cop With A Theory No One Believes In.

Against All Odds Rule – In an apparently fatal situation from which there is no possible hope of survival, it is certain the characters will survive.
In a situation where there is any apparent chance of survival, there will be at least some deaths.

“Ain’t Nobody Here but Us Chickens.” – Whenever someone is alone at home at night and they hear a sound in the house and ask aloud, “(Name), is that you?” it NEVER is.

Air Vent Escape Route – If the hero is imprisoned in a building owned by the villains, there will inevitably be an air vent cover that is not screwed in and is easily removed. The passageway will be large enough to accommodate any size person. The escape route will pass over the room where the bad guys are discussing the details of their diabolical plan, which the hero will now be able to foil.

Alien Berlitz Communication Rule (ABC Rule) – Movie aliens are able to learn the local language (English, French, Japanese, etc.) in an amazingly short time. Frequently this includes the ability to reproduce recognizable Earth-like accents.

Ali MacGraw’s Disease – Movie illness in which only symptom is that the sufferer grows more beautiful as death approaches.

Back seat Inviso-Syndrome – Film characters are invariably unable to see a person crouched in the backseat of a car (even a convertible) when, in the real world, it is an impossible place for a person to hide.

Bad Movie Rental Warning Rule – If a rental movie box has a warning such as “If scenes of graphic horror offend you, do not rent this film!” -do not rent this film.

Baguette Envy – In every scene which includes a person carrying a bag of groceries, the bag will invariably contain a long, skinny, French baguette loaf, and exactly 8.5 inches of it will be exposed.

Bartender Establishing Shot – All movie bartenders, when first seen, are wiping the inside of a glass with a rag.

“Based on a True Story.” – Hollywood shorthand, meaning: Depressing,morbid, downbeat, including scenes so shocking or lascivious that no producer would include them in a movie unless he could excuse himself by saying these things actually happened.

Bathroom Rule – No one in the movies ever goes to the toilet to perform the usual bodily functions. Instead they either use the bathroom to take illegal drugs, commit suicide, make a criminal deal, kill someone else in a stall, get killed, or sneak out through the bathroom window.

Beeping Rule – In movies where cops, reporters, hackers, and others are using a computer to locate a suspect or special file, the successful retrieval of said subject is heralded with dramatic beeps, flashing messages, and other electronic indications that “something important has been found.” The only time an ordinary computer ever beeps is when it refuses to carry out a command.

Beginning, The – Word used in titles of sequels to movies in which everyone was killed at the end of the original movie, making an ordinary sequel impossible. Explains to knowledgeable filmgoers that the movie will concern, for example, what happened in the Amityville house before the Lutzes moved in. Other examples: The First Chapter, The Early Days, etc.

Best Play of the Game Rule – Every bad sports movie ends with the hero making an extraordinary catch/play/hit in slow motion to win the game at the final gun/bell/buzzer.

“Betcha Can’t Name That Tune” Ploy – Almost all movie pianists, such as Clint Eastwood in ‘In the Line of Fire’, are perfectly happy playing nothing but chords. By never straying anywhere near a recognizable melody, they avoid paying royalties.

‘Betsy’ Syndrome – Identifying an actor in print by their latest film, regardless of how weak it was. Inspired by a newspaper article that appeared toward the end of Sir Lawrence Olivier’s career, referring to him as “Lawrence (‘The Betsy’) Olivier.”

Big Nod, The – Comes after the Last Word. After a character is fatally wounded, first he lies motionless and recites an incredibly meaningful statement. Then his head nods to one side.

Bogeyman Shot – Unaware victim is shot in close-up looking toward the camera, while a huge lopsided space is left vacant for the monster/killer to appear in.

Boob Tube – There is never anything worth seeing on TV in the movies.

Boom-Boom Rule – Whenever a building or a car explodes, the explosion will be repeated in its entirely from several different camera angles.

Born in the USA – Any movie set in an unnamed U.S. city will be revealed by the credits to have been filmed in Toronto or Vancouver.

British Roman Rule – All leaders of the Roman Empire have British accents. Why don’t filmmakers want Romans to at least have Italian accents?

Broken Compass Principle – In New York City chase scenes, cars are able to turn off of avenues onto other avenues. This is impossible, since the avenues are parallel.

Bumbling Night Watchman – Any scene involving the good guy burgling an office at night will inevitably include a semi- competent night watchman, whose sole purpose is to inject an element of danger into an otherwise boring event. Actions performed by the watchman usually include shining flashlight through the window, rattling doorknobs, watching security monitors, etc., all done in a manner that allows the good guy to continue undetected until just after he discovers the needed information or object. He will then flee the scene with the watchman in pursuit.

Bun and Spectacles Rule – Any woman who appears in a movie with her hair in a tight bun and wearing glasses (usually large thick round ones will inevitably turn out to be the beautiful heroine. She will magically acquire perfect vision and a sexy wardrobe.

IBM: It’s Backwards, Man

What if Operating Systems were Airlines?
UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides; then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. They then push again, jump on again, and so on…

Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don’t need to know, don’t want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air
The airport terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

This virus works on the honor system:Most viruses target PC’s. Therefore, this honor system virus has been created to target most other systems.So, if you are running a Macintosh, OS/2, Unix or Linux computer, please randomly delete or corrupt several files from your hard disk now. Then forward this message to everyone you know.

Megahertz – When a big log drops on your bare foot in the morning

If Fisher Price ran Christmas…”Baby’s First Ornament” would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.

An application was for employmentA program was a TV showA cursor used profanityA keyboard was a piano!Memory was something that you lost with ageA CD was a bank account!And if you had a broken disk,It would hurt when you found out!Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a fileAnd if you unzipped anything in public You’d be in jail for awhile!Log on was adding wood to a fireHard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse livedAnd a backup happened to your commode! Cut–you did with a pocket knifePaste you did with glueA web was a spider’s homeAnd a virus was the flu!I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my headI hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead!

IBM: It’ll Be Messy

Young Judy, the editor of a trivia publication, was having
trouble with her computer. So she called Prem, the computer guy,
over to her desk.

Prem clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was
walking away, Judy called after him, “So, what was wrong?” And
he replied, “It was an “ID ten T” error.” A puzzled expression
ran riot over Judy’s face. “An “ID ten T” error? What’s that?..
in case I need to fix it again??” He gave her a grin… 😉 …
“Haven’t you ever heard of an “ID ten T” error before?” “No,”
replied Judy. Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll
figure it out.” She wrote….. I D 1 0 T

Bill Gates dies and goes to Hell. Satan greets him and says, “Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you’ve got me in a good mood, I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever.”

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of fine wine sitting on a table. To Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation, Bill says “I’ll take this option.”

“Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.

Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

“That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. “Why did you give him the best place of all?!?”

“That’s what everyone thinks,” snickered Satan. “But the bottle has a hole in it!”

“Why the PC?”, he continued, “”It’s got the latest version of Windows and it’s missing three keys!”

“Which three?” said Lucifer.

“Control, Alt and Delete!”