Category: computers

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.””You must work in Information Technology” says the balloonist.”I do” replies the man.”How did you know.””Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”

‘Still, there are some things a big company can do that a small band of programmers could never hope to accomplish. This was best shown to me this week by reader Brian P. McLean, who points out that according to his Microsoft Outlook 97 scheduling/datebook application, Thanksgiving falls this year on *Wednesday*, November 26.’Thanksgiving has always fallen on Thursday before. Wednesday may be an improvement. I don’t know.’

Top 10 reasons computers must be male:

1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. A better model is always just around the corner.
3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
4. It is always necessary to have a backup.
5. They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
6. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
7. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
8. The lights are on but nobody’s home.
9. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
10. Size does matter.

Twas the night before crisis,And all through the house,Not a program was working,Not even a browse.Programmers were wrung out,Too mindless to care,Knowing chances of cutoverHadn’t a prayer.The users were nestledAll snug in their beds,While visions of inquiriesDanced in their heads.When out in the lobbyThere arose such a clatter,That I sprang from my tubeTo see what was the matter.And what to my wonderingEyes should appear,But a Super Programmer,Oblivious to fear.More rapid than eagles,His programs they cameAnd he whistled and shoutedAnd called them by name.On Update! On Add!On Inquiry! On Delete!On Batch Jobs! On Closing!On Functions Complete!His eyes were glazed over,His fingers were lean,From weekends and nightsSpent in front of a screen.A wink of his eye,And a twist of his head,Soon gave me to knowI had nothing to dread.He spoke not a word,But went straight to his work,Turning specs into code,Then he turned with a jerk.And laying his fingersUpon the ENTER key,The system came up,And worked perfectly!The updates updated;The deletes they deleted;The inquiries inquired;And the closing completed.He tested each whistle,He tested each bell,With nary an abend,And all had gone well.The system was finished,The tests were concluded,The client’s last changesWere even included!And the client exclaimed,With a snarl and a taunt,”It’s just what I asked for,But it’s not what I want!”

****GM vs MICROSOFT***** At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: ”If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself):

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have tobuy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, andyou would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought ”Car95” or ”CarNT.” But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single ”general car default” warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say ”Are you sure?” before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You’d press the ”start” button to shut off the engine.

AmigaDOS Beer — The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn’t understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn’t changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

Q:what is the difference between Bill Gates and a viberator?
A:a viberator is an artificial dick!

You’ve been on a computer to long when you:

1. Double click on a floor button in an elevator.

2. Try to push escape to leave a boring class.

3. Try to call up a different menu when your mom serves meatloaf.

4. Try to brighten up a moniter when the sun goes down.

5. Try to delete your little brother!

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: ”Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you’ve got me in a good mood, I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever.”

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, ”I’ll take this option.”

”Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

”That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. ”Why did you give him the best place of all!”

”That’s what everyone thinks,” snickered Satan. ”The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn’t…”

”What about the PC?”

”It’s got Windows 95!” laughed Satan. ”And it’s missing three keys.”

”Which three?”

”Control, Alt and Delete.”

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds that St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch. He walks up to it and sees “Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue.” He doesn’t have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading: “Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here.” So he does.

Up pops a screen which reads, “Please enter at least two of the following, and your pasword and ID will be e-mailed to you.” The fields include “Name,” “Date of birth,” “Date of death,” and “Favorite Food.”

The man enters his name and date of birth, and clicks “Submit.”

Up pops another screen which reads, “We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?” So the man clicks the button marked “Yes.”

A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the man spends some time filling it out. Then he clicks the “Submit” button.

Now he is faced with a screen reading, “We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable; please try again later.” There is a button marked “Back.” He clicks it.

A new page appears. It reads, “Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue…”

Q: How many Bill Gates does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One – he puts it in the socket and lets the world revolve around him.