Category: computers

Sure, AOL is a money machine. But even the online giant needs an extra boost to the bottom line once in a while. Here’s why:

10. Pay off the settlement to Tim McVeigh

9. Severance for CompuServe employees

8. Need to raise money to buy Netscape

7. Steve Case is jealous of Larry Ellison’s fighter jet

6. Have to pay the fee to the guys who creamed Bill Gates in Belgium

5. AOL programmers are all requesting “interns”

4. Need money to pay James Earl Jones to record a new version of “You’ve got mail”

3. Hiring bouncers for the chat rooms

2. El Nino

1. Because they can

[Computer definitions courtesy of my father the software manager]

Alpha: Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for “doesn’t work.”

Beta: Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it’s released. Beta is Latin for “still doesn’t work.”

Hardware: Collective term for any computer related object that can be kicked or battered.

CPU: Central Propulsion Unit. The CPU is the computer’s engine. It consists of a hard drive, RAM, interface cards, and a tiny spinning wheel that’s powered by a running rodent – a gerbil if the machine is an old 486 and a ferret if it’s a Pentium.

RAM: Fuzzy creature with horns that likes to eat. The rodent is NOT a fitness buff. It’s running to get away from the bytes of the RAM.

Printer: A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray, and the blinking red light.

Input/output: Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

User-friendly: Of or pertaining to any feature, device, or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.

Help: The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the Help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.

Programmers: Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create “user-friendly” software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

Default Directory: Black hole. The default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.

File: A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet – except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

Scheduled Release Date: A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting 6 months from it.

Users: Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types – novice, intermediate, and expert.

Novice users: People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate users: People who don’t know how to fix their computer after they’ve just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert users: People who break other people’s computers.

Your alarm clock rings on the first business day of the Year 2000, and you expect this day to be like any other. Always the worrywart, you’re staying off of airplanes and you pulled your cash out of the bank, plus the IT department at your company solved the millennium problem months ago. But if the public agencies in your area haven’t addressed the Year 2000 glitch, you could be in for a surprise. The following is, of course, an absolute worst-case scenario, but parts of it could be coming to town near you and are based on actual fears expressed by agencies across the U.S.:

7 a.m. You wake up and hop in the shower. You notice a funny smell. Obviously your local water agency’s treatment facility didn’t fix the millennium bug.

8 a.m. You head for the subway, only to find that Y2K snafus have halted trains for the day.

8:30 a.m. You return home to get your car and drive to work. Red lights are flashing at all of the intersections because the systems weren’t Year 2000-compliant.

9 a.m. Somebody runs one of the flashing red lights in front of you, crashing into another car. You get out to call 9-1-1, but the emergency system doesn’t work.

10 a.m. You finally get to work and have a meeting with partners in the new company you’re starting. Unfortunately, the state has lost its records on incorporated companies and cannot process your request.

Noon. You go to lunch. It’s your treat because your companion didn’t receive his social security check. You hold your breath while the restaurant runs your credit card – expiration date 9/00.

2 p.m. You head for the county hospital, where you’ve scheduled a minor surgery. Things are in disarray because medical devices have failed throughout the day.

4 p.m. The hospital, which has lost all of its appointments, finally admits you. An embedded chip in the elevator fails, and the assistants must drag you and your gurney up the stairs.

6 p.m. You drive to the state college to check the grade for a class you took last semester, the last of your pre-MBA requirements. Unfortunately it’s been lost, and there is no record of you ever having taken the class.

7 p.m. You go home to call a friend and complain about your day, but the telephone line is dead because the company hasn’t tackled the Year 2000 glitch.

But then again, maybe you won’t experience any of it. If your electric company isn’t Year 2000-compliant, you might sleep through your alarm.

1. Open Access
2. Create a blank Database
3. Go to “Macros”
4. Click on “New”
5. Press space
6. Close the dialog box
7. Click “Yes”
8. Save as “Magic Eight Ball”
9. Go to “View, Toolbars, Customize” and check off macro design
10. Drag the macro to the second toolbar, and Voila!

In Netscape Navigator, type Ctrl + Alt + f to go immediately to the Fish
Cam!

[To the tune of “American Pie”]

A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.

But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they’d deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage.

I can’t remember if I cried
when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer’ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it’s working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this’ll be the day that they die.
This’ll be the day that they die.

Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.

And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real slow?

Well I know you sold the service short
Cause I saw your quarterly report.

Steve Case sold off his stock
It fell just like a rock.

It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
And half their users went away
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer’ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it’s working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this’ll be the day that they die.
This’ll be the day that they die.

Well for two days we’ve been on our own
And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
But that’s not how it used to be

When the mogul came to Virginia court
With an OS icon and a browser port
And a desktop that looked like Apple III.

And while Jim Clark was looking down
The mogul stole his thorny crown

The browser war was turned.
Mozilla…was spurned.

And while Steve left users out to bond
With hosts unable to respond
6 million newbies all were conned
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer’ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it’s working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this’ll be the day that they die.
This’ll be the day that they die.

Da Chronic ducked their software guards
And stole a million credit cards
To use accounts he’d gotten free.

And so Steve Case went to the FBI
and he told Boardwatch a little lie
That hackers wanted child pornography But while Steve Case was looking down
The hackers pulled his e-mail down

They put it on the net.
He can’t be trusted yet!

And while user cynicism climbs
At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
They scan their e-mail for “Good Times”
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer’ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it’s working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this’ll be the day that they die.
This’ll be the day that they die.

Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
The lawyers filed a class-action shelter
Eight million in lawyer’s fees.

But it looks like some attorney jibe
an hour if they resubscribe.
To a service marketed for free

Well I KNOW you’re raking in the bucks
Cause I’m reading alt.aol-sucks.

“Until we bless the suit
The settlement is moot.”

“If AOL treats you like the Borg
Then visit aolsucks.org
Before some router pulls the cord…”
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer’ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it’s working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this’ll be the day that they die.
This’ll be the day that they die.

Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
sold off his home in Tennessee
And headed for a 4-month end.

Was he sad or just incensed
when Case offered him his thirty cents.
Billing is the devil’s only friend.

But as I read him on the page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.

No “Welcome” born in hell
could ring that chatroom bell.

And as chat freaks cried into the night
CompuServe read their last rites.
I saw Earthlink laughing with delight
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer’ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it’s working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this’ll be the day that they die.
This’ll be the day that they die.

I met a girl in Lobby 9
And I asked her if she’d stay on-line.
But she just frowned and looked away.

And I went back to the Member Lounge
To see what loyalty I could scrounge
But Room Host said the members went away…

And on the net the modems scream
At faster speeds and data streams.

And not a tear was spoken.
The hourly fees were broken.

And the three men that I hated most
Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk’s ghost
They couldn’t dial up the host
The day the service died.

At the time of writing, Microsoft’s slogan for Windows 95 was “Where do you want to go today?” These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.9. I’ll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I’m trying.

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to meSee if they can do it again.For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to meAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to meTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to meSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meFind a way around itSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meBlame it on the hardwareFind a way around itSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meChange the documentationBlame it on the hardwareFind a way around itSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to meSay it’s not supportedChange the documentationBlame it on the hardwareFind a way around itSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meTell them it’s a featureSay it’s not supportedChange the documentationBlame it on the hardwareFind a way around itSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the Judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.

Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satin is visibly upset and cries, “I have nothing, I lost it all when the power went out.”

“Very well, then, ” says God, “let us see if Jesus fared any better.”

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pours forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.

He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything yet Jesus’ program is Intact! How did he do it?”

God Chuckles, “Everybody knows… Jesus Saves.”

A special Arkansas edition of Windows XP has been developed.

It is distinguished by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS XP, and has a a Dukes of Hazzard screen saver.

Other differentiating features:

The Recycle Bin is labeled “Outhouse”
My Computer is called “This Dern Contraption”
Dial up Networking is called “Good Ol’ Boys”
Control Panel is known as the “The Dashboard”
Hard Drive is referred to as “4- Wheel Drive”
Floppies are “them little ol plastic disc thangs”
Instead of an error message a “garbage bag and roll of duct tape” pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN ARKANSAS EDITION:

OK . . . . . . . . . . ats aw-right
Cancel . . . . . . . stopdat
Reset . . . . . . . try er agin
Yes . . . . . . . . . yep
No . . . . . . . . . . noop
Find . . . . . . . . .hunt fer it
Go to. . . . . . . . over yonder
Back . . . . . . . . back yonder
Help . . . . . . . . hep me out here
Stop . . . . . . . . kwitit
Start . . . . . . . crank er up
Settings . . . . . . settins
Programs . . . . . .stuff at duz stuff
Documents . . . . .stuff ah done did

Also note that ARKANSAS EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders XP:

Tiperiter . . . . . . . A word processing program
Colerin book . . . . . a graphics program
cyferin mersheen . . . Calculator
outhouse paper . . . . notepad
iner-net . . . . . . . Microsoft Explorer 6.0
pichers . . . . . . . . A graphics viewer

I hope this helps all y’all!

Billy Bob Gates
Head Honcho

STAR TREK / STAR WARS ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGESBridge, Kirk here.Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? — Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?(Star Trek theme in the background:) (Voice 1:) Room 17, the final frontier. (Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad’s answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. (Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.Thank you for calling Starfleet Command. No starships are in the quadrant at this time, so at the sound of the subspace tone, tell us your name, the planet you are calling from, and how many Klingons are attacking.(Bad imitations:) Picard: Assume standard orbit, Mr. LaForge. Sensor readings, Lieutenant? Worf: Scanning, Captain… Strange… No life-forms. Picard: Recommendations, Mr. Data? Data: Intriguing, Captain. Perhaps we should simply leave a message.(Borg voice:) WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOUR PHONE CALL, AS IT HAS BEEN, IS NOW OVER. YOUR MESSAGE WILL BE ASSIMILATED AT THE BEEP. But we’re not home right now. So leave a message and we’ll assimilate you later. (or) Borg communications router. Unit addressed unavailable. Hails are irrelevant. Messages are irrelevant. You are irrelevant. Nonetheless, leave message if you wish. Wait for indicative, high frequency, acoustic spike… (Background:) Error, error! Wishes are irrelevant. Acoustic spikes are irrelevant.(Chekov’s voice:) Oh Keptin! It was Khan! He made us do things… Say things we did not vant to say… But we vere strong, Keptin! Ve held out until ve heard the beep…Hello, you’ve reached 555-1312, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.(Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm!Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can’t come to the phone right now. He’s either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I’ll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week’s National Enquirer.Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can’t answer the phone right now because I’ve just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I’m still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I’ll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless, to say the helpdesk employee was fired: however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for “Termination without Cause.”

Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support Employee: “Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?” “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?” “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?” “They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?” “Nothing.”

“Nothing?” “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?” “How do I tell?”

“Can you see the c:prompt on the screen?” “What’s a sea-prompt?”

“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?” “There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

“Does your monitor have a power indicator?” “What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?” “I don’t know.”

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?” “Yes, I think so.”

“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall. “Yes, it is.”

“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?” “No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.” “Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.” “I can’t reach.”

“Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?” “No”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?” “Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s dark.”

“Dark?” “Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.” “I can’t.”

“No? Why not?” “Because there’s a power outage.”

“A power….A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the box and manuals and packing stuff you computer came in?” “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

“Really? Is it that bad?” “Yes, I’m afraid it is.” “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?” “Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer!”