Category: computers

Windows XP may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS XP with a background picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol’ Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plactic discn thangs.

Other features: Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done

Also note that winders XP does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to winders XP
tiperiter………..a word processor
colering book…….a graphics program
addin mershene……calculator
outhouse paper …..notepad
jupe-box ………..CD Player
iner-net…………Microsoft Explorer
pichers………….A graphics viewer
IRS……………..M/S accounting software
IRS2……………..M/S accounting software with hidden files

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife
flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: January 13, 2005

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

~~
Editor’s note: Variation on an old postal theme, but still a good one.

These are actual calls to Tech support help desks
(Some of you may find this funny while others could possibly use this section as a reference)
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman then responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”
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Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?” Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”
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Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.” Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.” Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
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I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
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Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?”
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I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:Customer: “Hi. Is this the Internet?”
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Some people pay for their on-line services with checks made payable to “The Internet.”
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Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”
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Tech Support: “Ok Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at thesame time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”
Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “What do you mean?”
Tech Support: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”
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Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”
Customer: “No, it didn’t crash-it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. Now it doesn’t work.”
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.'”
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”

10.) CD’s were used for a game of frisbee and were found to be too sharp for this purpose. 9.) Died of old age while waiting for a webpage to load. 8.) Died of starvation while waiting for online-ordered meal to arrive. 7.) Went mad trying to understand computer manual. 6.) Computer exploded due to overload of spam and junk mail. 5.) Died of poverty after making the mistake of trying to keep their computer up-to-date. 4.) Bought a mega-hyper-gigaforcep-gerpatologicatron and were never seen again. 3.) Attempted to wire up everything in their house and died of sever burns while trying to flush the toilet. 2.) Tried to design a computer mouse that resembled a real mouse (ate cheese, ran around, squeeked and bit) and died in the process of varied causes. And the number one cause of death at the computer….. 1.) Commited suicide with frustration after trying to make sense on windows ’95.

How to clean your mouse…

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls, should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

HEIGHTS OF REPETITON: you forwarding an email to someone and recieving the same email forwarded from him to you.

HEIGHTS OF ISOLATION: Two persons sitting side by side using emails to communicate with each other.

HEIGHTS OF COWARDNESS:Two persons fighting through emails.

HEIGHTS OF HELPLESSNESS:You recieving no emails for a week.

HEIGHTS OF IDLENESS:A person using email tool all the time.

HEIGHTS OF FRUSTATION:The email server being down.

HEIGHTS OF CARELESSNESS: Writing an intimate email and doing a reply all.

HEIGHTS OF ACHIEVEMENT:A person sending the email to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply.

HEIGHTS OF HEIGHTS:A person sending an email to himself..

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, “If you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful
princess.” He bent over , picked up the frog, and put it in his
pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me
back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart
and brave you are and how you are my hero.” The man took the
frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his
pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me
back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion
for an entire week.” The man took the frog out, smiled at it and
returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for a year and do
ANYTHING that you want.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled
at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m
a beautiful princess, that I will stay with you for a year and
do any thing that you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have
time for a girlfriend, but a TALKING FROG IS COOL.”

10 Reasons why computers are male.

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody’s home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter

Dear Boss,I hope I haven’t misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me.At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?

10. “Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?”9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.8. Apparently, your flame war with [email protected] is about to turn ugly.7. When you log on, your computer says “You’ve got lawsuits!”6. You’re suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.5. Sotheby’s says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.3. Terse “Knock it off, Oedipus” e-mail from your Mom.2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.1. “The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately.”This document copyright � 1999 by Chris White.

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1950.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to hit “SEND” before you’ve finished.

7. Causes you to hit “DELETE” instead of “SEND.”

8. Causes you to hit “SEND” when you should “DELETE.”

IT IS CALLED THE “C-NILE VIRUS.”

Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”

Customer: “Ok.”

Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”

Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”

Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”

Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.”

(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn’t, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)

Tech Support: “Ok, did you type ‘click’ with the keyboard?”

Customer: “I have done something dumb, right?”