Category: celebrities

Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with, and you carry your groceries in in the other one.

What is the difference between Mercedes SLK coupe and Madonna?

They both drop their tops frequently but Mercedes does it more elegantly!

One day Osama Bin Laden walks in a kwick-e-mart and says,
“please can i have a packet(s) of crisps” and the the man behind
the counter says “what flavour ?”

And Osama says 2 plaines !!!!!!!!!!!

Three guys go up to heaven at the same time, and the head angel says, “it’s been a busy day, so i can only let one of you in. whoever has the best story gets to go in.”
the first guy said,”i had been suspecting my wife has been cheating on me for the past year, so one day when i went up to the 25th story on our apartment (where I live) i heard her in our room, and i was expecting the worst. i decided to kill the man she was cheating on me with, so i looked out the window, and here’s a guy who’s hanging from my telephone wire. i hammer his fingers, but he doesn’t drop. i decide to throw our refrigerator out the window, so i hoisted it up on my back, and my shirt got caught, and i threw it out the window and i fell out with it.”

the second guy said, “i was an innocent window washer and i was washing windows when i saw something shiny. i reached out to grab it and the next thing i know im dangeling from a telephone wire. then a freak comes up and started hammering my fingers. i decided not to let go, then a refrigerator drops on me and i die.”

the third guy says, “Picture me nude in a refrigerator. Enough said.”

How do you spot Ronald McDonald on a naked beach?He’s the one with the sesame seed buns.

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues!

What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas?
Santapplause!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws!

Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas?
Because they both have “Sandy claws”!

What’s Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents?
Santa pause!

A little boy walked into his mom and dads room while they were
fighting. The dad yelled, “You bitch!” And the mom screamed,
“You bastard!” And the little boy said, “Mommy, Daddy what does
that mean???” And the parents replied “Um…ladies and
gentlemen.” And with that answer the little boy ran off to bed.

The next night the parents were really horny, the dad said “Nice
tits!” And the mom, “Nice dick!” And the little boy ran into the
room and asked, “Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???” “Um…hats
and coats.” And with that answer the little boy ran back to bed.

The next day was Thanksgiving and all of the relatives were
going to be eating and celebrating at the little boys house. The
little boy was on his way up the stairs and ran into the
bathroom. When he swung the door open it hit his dad’s elbow,
(the dad was shaving and he cut himself) “Shit!” He bellowed.
“Daddy what does that mean???” “Um, it is the name of the
shaving cream that I’m using, now run downstairs and see what
your mom is doing.” And with that the little boy did as he was
told. Meanwhile his mom was slicing the turkey, and she
accidentally put her finger in the wrong place. “Fuck!” She
hollered and the little boy said , “Mommy, what does that
mean???” “Um, it means I’m cutting the turkey.”

DING-DONG the door bell rang and the little boy scampered off to
answer it saying: “Hello all of you bitches and bastards, hang
up your titties and dicks. Dad’s up stairs whipping the shit off
of his face and mom’s in the kitchen fucking the turkey!”

p.s( iam very sorry if u have the same joke as this iam
soooooooooo sorry sorry but i saw a joke kind the same as this 1
and i look at it and i added this so iam soooooo sorry if is 1
of your jokes well i herd this 1 from my friend bye and thank u
for yor time)

1. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why? Paul Lynde: He’s out of town 2. Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie, ‘What’s The Matter With Helen?’ Who plays Helen? Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver-that’s why they asked the question 3. What are ‘dual-purpose cattle’ good for that other cattle aren’t? Paul Lynde: They give milk … and cookies, but I don’t recommend the cookies 4. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? 5. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car. The rest is up to him 6. Robert Young recently stated, ‘I never, never give …’ something to his fans who ask for it. What? Paul Lynde: A hysterectomy 7. James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was ‘one of the best things I ever did What was it? Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming 8. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? Charley Weaver: His feet 9. Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What? Paul Lynde: An engagement ring10. According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What? Charley Weaver: Not drinking11. When the Lone Ranger finished with a case, he left something behind. What? Paul Lynde: A masked baby12. True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them Charley Weaver: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests13. You’re on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why? Paul Lynde: It was a long plane ride14. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it15. Do female frogs croak? Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water16. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake17. Is there any such thing as an F cup in bra sizes? Paul Lynde: Yes, it sleeps four18. True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas? Paul Lynde: Yes. We call them winos19. According to the World Book, is it okay to freeze your persimmons? Paul Lynde: No. You should dress warmly20. According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy? Paul Lynde: Where can I get some? 21. Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit? Joan Rivers: Yes. It’s daddy’s turn

Watch her wiggle, see her jiggle. Yes, she really does strip. . . almost (Gals, and those guys who are into it, look for Xmas Guy)Xmas Girl (256K)Note: Our “Send this Joke to A Friend” email thingy doesn’t transmit programs. But if you see this in email, you can click on the link above!

There this man who every half a hour goes outside and checks his mailbox, don’t c anythink and starts booing. the guy next door say what u doing hes say my stupid computer keeps on saying i’ve got mail…

kid at school

ok theres this kid and his teacher asks him whats 1+1? he says i
dont know? his teacher tells him to go home so he asks his mom
“mom whats 1+1?” she says “shut-up iam on the phone” he wrights
it down on a peace of paper. he goes up to his sister and her
asks what 1+1? she says ” goody goody gum drops” so he wrights
it down. he goes up to his brother and he says whats 1+1? he
says ” dunanuna dunanuna batman batman” so he wrights it done he
asks hes dad whats 1+1? he says iam popia the salar man i live
in a garbich can. so he goes back to school all happy. his
teacher asks him now do u now what 1+1 is? he says “shut-up iam
on the phone she says go to the ofese right now!he goes goody
goody gum drops! so he was at the ofece and the princabel asks
him why is he to go in his ofec so he does he tells him all the
things he said and the pirncabel who do u think u r? he says
dunanuna batman batman. then he says were do u think u live? he
says iam popia the salar man i live in a garbich can!!!

Monsters, Inc. was a cute animated movie that is pretty funny, but definitely for kids. You should go see it if you have kids, are a kid, or like to pretend you’re a kid late at night by wearing diapers. It’s made by the Pixar people, who did Toy Story and A Bug’s Life, and that pretty much tells you what to expect. Same technology, but a couple years later, so it’s a little better, a little more lifelike. Movie gets a nice, solid 3 6/7 Babylons. You’ll have a good time, but try not to see it in a theater filled with too many kids- they can be annoying. Especially when the one right behind you spends the last fifteen minutes kicking your chair telling its Mommy that it needs to go to the bathroom.

OK, now let’s talk about the Star Wars trailer.

By now, you have seen it, or heard it, or had it described to you by a cyber-dork named C3PO4EVR on a host of fan sites. You know it’s really short. You know there is no dialogue. You know that the only sound you get is Vader breathing through his iron lung.

So let’s talk about what we see, and what it may mean, and what it tells us about Star Wars, Episode II: Attack of the Clones.

First shot is a close-up of Padme, followed by a close-up of Anakin. Obviously, these two are the center of the story. These are our leads. Natalie Portman, who was damn cute when she was 13 in The Professional, is now officially hot as she becomes 20 before our eyes. Newbie Hayden Christensen looks like he has just the right amount of hunkness in him to carry the whole tortured hero thing off. Together, they are a tragic love story waiting to happen.

Next shot is some ship flying across a desert world, most likely Tatooine. Now I don’t know about you, but I am damn tired of that puny little sand dune of a world. It was the most boring planet in the first Star Wars, it hasn’t gotten better with age. I’m not sure why Lucas is hell bent on getting the blazing ball of nothing into just about every pic he makes, but he’s dangerously close to following in the sandy footprints of Ishtar if he doesn’t get a move on.

Now the glamour shots. Look! There’s C-3PO. Look! There’s Yoda. Look! There’s Boba Fett (or at least a Boba Fett look-alike, could be anyone under that armor) and he’s FLYING! COOL!!!

Now we have a shot only the mother of a cgi-artist could love. Fake ship zooming through a fake city. Nothing in that shot that you wouldn’t be surprised to find in Monsters, Inc. Which also tells us something we’ve known for a while, this film series is becoming more and more a animated feature. Oh sure, we’ve got live actors all over the place, but we’re doing more and more to them in post. I mean, unless you want to believe they really did slice Darth Maul in half to make Phantom.

Next shot is young Obi-Wan and young Anakin doing what young Jedis do best, run around with lightsabers.

Next we get a glamour shot of Mace Windu. Still bald, still hanging around with Yoda. Then we get a shot of some transport-looking ship flying over a cliff dwelling/meadow ecosystem. Followed by Lucas’ Waterworld, which looks a hell of a lot cooler than Costner’s Waterworld.

Then Lucas drops a bit in my opinion because he gives us a shot of a Jedi mimicking the chick in Disney’s recent Atlantis cartoon. You know, where she gets lifted up in the pillar of light? We’ll call this shot “Jedi gets lifted up in light.” Not a good sign when you’re copying Disney.

Now Lucas starts to really sag. He brings back one of the more undesirable characters from Phantom, the annoying guy who owed Anakin, and then gives a shot of a spaceship flying through an asteroid field. Uhm.. George? You already did asteroids. Pretty well. Move on. Comets are nice, use one of them.

Now we get a shot of two people hugging at Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru’s house. Which, I guess, means we’ll meet a younger Uncle Owen and a younger Aunt Beru. Like we care.

More glamour shots. R2D2. More ships flying around looking cool. A bunch of people at a bunch of stations, like a galactic mission control or something.

Then we finally get what we wanted. Clones. Gagillion of them. Boarding a ship. From far away, so we can’t really tell what they look like. But they’re clones. And there are a lot of them. Yummy.

Speaking of yummy, remember our two young, sexy leads? Here we get a kiss. Yowza!!! A Star Wars kiss!! Wooo!!!!

End it all with a final shot of a lightsaber battle and you’ve got yourself a trailer.

What does it tell us about the movie? Absolutely nothing. It’s about 10 seconds long, and does nothing for you. Nothing at all. So don’t go to Monsters, Inc. to see the trailer. Go to Monsters, Inc. to see Monsters, Inc. More than that, go to see the Pixar short about a bunch of birds that precedes the film. As good a Monsters, Inc. is, this bird beauty is better. A real hoot.