Category: celebrities

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?

One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.

Weird, but allegedly true, celebrity encounters as quoted in the book “Elvis Presley’s Pharmacist Was My Sunday School Teacher” (Alaska Northwest Books, $8.95). “While playing a celebrity basketball game at the Pentagon, I mistakenly put on Al Gore’s jockstrap.” “I once heard Brian Keith belch.” “I was circumcised by C. Everett Koop.” “Kurt Cobain puked on my ex-girlfriend.” “I took Captain Kangaroo’s stool sample.” “I once built a stage that Glenn Campbell fell through.” “I watched Jaclyn Smith pick her nose while driving her Corvette.” “I sat on a plane next to the best friend of the nephew of the Japanese guy that President Bush puked on.” “I threw a Frisbee to the Emperor of Japan.” “My ancestors ate Magellan.” “I know a guy whose father’s grandfather was the plumber who pulled President Taft out of the tub when he got stuck.” “My father went to high school with Adam West. I met him and then the three of us went to Hooters.” “Connie Chung once hawked a loogie on my shoe.” “Gomer Pyle hit on my brother.” “Stephen Hawking ran over my foot with his wheelchair.”

A Brooklyn woman wishes to get a tatoo and ask the tech to tatoo pictures of Roberto Duran the inner portion of her thigh near her crotch. She also ask that on the other leg, the tech tatoo the picture of Oscar De La Hoya; and adds “when I rub my thighs togetha they can fight over whats in between.” After the tatoo tech finishes his job he ask her for $100 bucks. She looks at the tatoos and says, “this does not look like Duran and that does not look like De La Hoya!” She refuses to pay him. He takes her to small claims court. On the court date, the judge ask to look at the evidence. Because of the tatoos are in such a private area, he calls the woman into his chambers. She shows the judge her tatoos and the judge says, “you know, this does not look anything at all like Duran, and that looks nothing at all like De la Hoya, but the one in the middle is without question, “Don King!”

Movie Mogul 1: Hey, did you hear that Woody Allen and Arnold
Schwarzenegger are making a movie together?

Movie Mogul 2: Really? What’s it called?

Movie Mogul 1: Conan the Psychiatrist.

* Every so often, snaps into a Slim Jim and growls, “You’ve been bad and now you’re goin’ down, punk!” * Keeps going on about how the New York Times should publish his 35,000 word list of who’s naughty and nice. * Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to have never worn white gloves or shiny black boots. * Right before souvenir photo is snapped, he whispers, “This year, you ain’t gettin’ squat!” * When kids say, “My daddy says you’re not really Santa,” he responds with, “He’s not really your daddy.” * That snowy beard? Nothin’ but nose hair. * While it’s admittedly a nifty trick, blowing smoke rings out of his tracheotomy hole is just scaring the kiddies.

NBC8:00 Friends8:30 Girlfriends9:00 One Guy with Several Female Friends9:30 My Gay Friends10:00 Friends You Wish You Had But Don’tFOX8:00 Real Humans in Real Pain8:30 Feral Dingoes Eating Children on Tape9:00 Jiggle It Beach9:30 LA Chicks10:00 Beverly Hills 90210: The 90,210th EpisodeUPN8:00 The Unwatchables8:30 Voyage To The Bottom Of The Ratings9:00 Theoretically Existing Show9:30 Praying For Syndication10:00 The Last Thing You’d Ever Want To Sit Through WB8:00 Where My Wife At?8:30 Gittin’ Yo Freak On9:00 Me & My Psychic9:30 Kids Suck The Darndest Things10:00 Dawson’s ClothesPUBLIC ACCESS8:00 Blurry Steve8:30 Inaudible City Council Meeting9:00 Do We Have A Caller On The Line? Hello?9:30 The Best Of Lunch Menus10:00 My Friend Made This Short Film10:30 Men With Braids Speak OutE!8:00 Andy Gibb: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills8:30 John Belushi: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills9:00 Margot Kidder: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills9:30 River Phoenix: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills10:00 Boy George: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & PillsESPN28:00 Finland’s Brutalest Men8:30 Being Hit By A Trolley Regional Semifinals9:00 60 Minutes Of Joe Theismann’s Leg Breaking10:00 Coed Spread-Eagled Weight-Training From MauiLIFETIME8:00 How Can I Choose Between My Daughters?9:00 The Abused Wife Who Didn’t Mean To Kill Her Fourth Husband in Self-Defense10:00 The Boy Whose Mommy Watched Far Too Much TelevisionTNN8:00 Well, I’ll Be Dipped in Pigturd!8:30 Roadkill Recipe to Warm the Cockles of Your Heart9:00 You Hush Up, Wanda Mae9:30 Sheeeeeeee-ewt!10:00 Hold ‘Er Down While I Get the Rifle From the TruckTELEMUNDO8:00 Roberto Amorosa en Agua Caliente!9:00 Whoomp! Donde Esta?9:30 Goooooooooooooooooooal!10:00 Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai!10:30 La Hora de GoyaCINEMAX8:00 Bare Ambition (Tanya Roberts)8:30 Naked Exposition (Traci Lords)9:00 Body Of Nudity (Dana Plato)10:00 Unclothed Anguish (Joyce DeWitt)

Fred and Wilma are taking a shower together for the first time. Fred
starts crying. Wilma says, “What’s wrong, Fred?” Fred says, “I dropped the
soap!” Wilma says, “That’s OK, you can bend down and get it.” Fred bends
down and says, “Ooohhh, what’s this??” Wilma said, “Oh, that’s my rock.”
Wilma starts crying. Fred says, “What’s wrong?” Wilma dropped the soap.
Fred says, “You can bend down and get it.” Wilma gets the soap and says,
“Ooohh, what’s this?” Fred says, “Oh,that’s my rock.” Wilma says, “Fred, I
have a good idea. Let’s bump rocks and make Pebbles!!”

Q. How did Michael Jackson got food poisoning?

A. He ate a 12 year old weiner.

Sharp-tongued comedian Dennis Miller has been chosen as part of the new broadcast team for ABC Monday Night Football this coming year. What can we expect to hear from the king of rants? 28> “Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day.”27> “Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary — the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians.”26> “That receiver was as wide open as Annabel Chong.”25> “I haven’t seen anyone rely on the ground game this much since the battle of Verdun.”24> “With Browns’ ticket prices what they are, you just know that all those dads who brought the entire family to sit in the ‘dog pound’ are secretly calculating how much blood they’re going to have to sell next week to put groceries on the table.”23> “The quarterback’s spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop.”22> “Ray Lewis knifed through those offensive linemen like a sucker-punch switchblade slicing between the ribs of some inebriated trash-talking punk outside a sports bar.”21> “I’ve seen women pee standing up with better aim.”20> “I’ve seen better coverage at an Alan Keyes press conference.”19> “Somebody call Janet Reno — I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!”18> “The Cowboy’s defense has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts.”17> “That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.”16> “The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan’s knee on souvenir pipe night.”15> “I haven’t seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.”14> “That secondary provides worse coverage than a Guatemalan HMO.”13> “Hey, Cunningham — Andy Warhol called. You’re at 14:55 and we’re tickin’ big-time here, Chachi.”12> “Concussion? How the hell can they tell? They’re *football* players, for chrissakes!”11> “He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie O’Donnell’s house.”10> “Is it just me, or are the 49ers doing an awful lot of ass-patting today?” 9> “Hey Deion, Bubbelah — maybe you’d better pay a little less attention to those unfairly Draconian salary caps that only allowed you to acquire four of the five remaining 1932 Aston Martins still in road-worthy condition after you’d paid for life’s little necessities like hookers and weed, get your medulla oblongata out of your duodenum for a few milliseconds, and make a tackle or two, okay, Babe?” 8> “Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks.” 7> “When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar’s tomb.” 6> “Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through ‘Aida.'” 5> “That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding tour of Cartagena.” 4> “That kid’s got an arm like Uncle Fester at an exhibition of Pre-Colombian… um, Christ, I lost it. I was going for something thick. So what’s with the beard, Grizzly Fouts?” 3> “Nervous? He’s tighter than Pat Buchanan’s sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island.” 2> “Ouch! And Marino goes down quicker than his Boonesfarm-infused sister in the back of my ’68 Cutlass on our first date after watching ‘Love Story’ at the drive-in.”…and Topfive.com’s Number 1 Dennis Miller Monday Night Football Quote… 1> “Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu’s triplets!”From The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com

Three midgets walk into a library. The first one claims that he has the smallest hands in the world. The second claims that he has the smallest feet in the world. The third claims that his penis is the smallest in the world.
So each one checks the Guiness Book of World Records. The first comes back and is happy: “I have the smallest hands in the world.” The second comes back and is also happy: “I have the smallest feet in the world.” The third midget comes back and is pissed: “Who’s Carl Givens?”

What do Michael Jackson and Burger King have in common?

They both stick their meat between 12 year old buns!

Q: What do Michael Jackson and a hotdog have in common?

A: White buns and a weiner!!!