Category: celebrities

Three guys found themselves in Hell: Martin, Joe, and Dave. A
little confused at their present situation, they were startled
to see a door in the wall (which they hadn’t noticed before)
open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had
ever seen. She was 3’4″, dirty, and you could smell her even
over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, “Martin, you have sinned!!!
You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this
woman!” And Martin was whisked through the door by a group of
lesser demons to his doom.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both
jumped when a second door opened, and lo! an even more
disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7′,
covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, “Joe, you have sinned!!! You
are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this
woman!!!” And Joe, like Martin, was whisked off.

Dave, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the
worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open,
he strained to see the figure of… Cindy Crawford!!!!!!!!!!!!

Delighted, Dave jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful
woman, barely dressed in a shiny metallic NASA-space-age
material bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil say:
“Cindy, you have sinned ……..”

Santa Claus Ltd North PoleDecember 1999Dear Mary:I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree on Christmas.I was going to bring you all the gifts from the “Twelve Days of Christmas,” but we have a little problem up here. The Twelve Fiddlers fiddling have all come down with STD’s from fiddling with the Ten Ladies Dancing; the Eleven Lords a Leaping have knocked up the Eight Maids a Milking; the Nine Pipers Playing have been arrested for doing weird things to the Seven Swans a Swimming …Even worse! The Six Geese a Laying, Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves, and the Partridge In a Pear Tree have me up to my ass in bird crap!On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through the menopause; eight of my reindeer are in heat; the elves have joined the Gay Liberation Movement, and those dumb-ass Liberals have scheduled Christmas in Sydney for the 5th of January…. Nevertheless, hope YOU have a merry Christmas!Yours faithfully,SantaChief Executive Officer

WHAT TO DO ON CHRISTMAS EVETwas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews,My girlfriend and me — we had nothing to do.The Gentiles were home, hanging stocking with care,Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there.But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down,There was nothing but boredom all over town.The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;There weren’t any concerts to go to that night.A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,But we searched through the papers; there wasn’t a thing.Outside the window sat two feet of snow;With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below.And while all I could do was sit there and brood,My girl saved the night and called out ‘CHINESE FOOD!’So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots –To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots.

One day Saint Peter came down with a terrible cold and had to call Jesus and say that he couldn’t make it to work at the Pearly Gates. Jesus, being short on help, decided he would guard the Pearly Gates himself. It turned out to be a very uneventful day at the gate, with hardly a soul coming by to call. Then, late in the afternoon, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane. As the man neared, he said, “Good afternoon. I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven.” “Well,” said Jesus, “tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?””Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself,” said the man, “but my son, now he was special! I raised him to be a carpenter and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he’s known throughout the world and loved by all alike.”As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, “Father!” Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and said, “Pinochio!”

Last December, a grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife. “You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T.”

She continued, “There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in,and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy,” replied the grandson, “but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow”?

To which she answered, “You’re coming empty handed?”

David Beckham had a near-death experience the other day when he went
> riding.

> Everything was going fine until the horse started bucking up and down

> out

> of

> control. He tried with all his might to hang on but it was no good.

> With

> his

> foot caught in the stirrup, he fell head-first to the ground. His head

> continued to bump on the ground as the horse refused to stop or even

> slow

> down.

>

> Fortunately, however, there was a happy ending. Just as he was giving

> up

> hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworth’s’ manager came along and

> unplugged it.

If you happen to end up in a Halloween or horror movie, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to help keep yourself healthy, happy and safe (in other words, not dead).

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else’s voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go alone. Hit the first person that says, “Let’s split up.”

6. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. It’s just not that fun.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, GET OUT OF THERE ANYWAY!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. Don’t stop and look around.

12. Don’t fool with recombining DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing.

13. If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you’re in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chain saws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.

19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle. Make that two flashlights!

20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.

21. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.

Mother Teresa is walking around Heaven one day as she notices Princess Diana passing by. “What a lovely woman,” Mother Teresa thought, “doing all those wonderful things for the sick and starving of our world.” As Princess Diana passes by, Mother Teresa notices that Diana’s halo is much bigger than that of her own. “I had dedicated my entire life on earth to those sick and hungry, and her halo is bigger than mine?!” So, Mother Teresa decides to go find St. Peter and ask him about her problem.

Upon hearing the problem, St. Peter smiles a little and reassures Mother Teresa that,”It’s not a halo; that’s the steering wheel.”

Why did santa claus go to jail?
he got caught laying barbie under the
christmas tree!

Did you hear Michael Jackson was in the mall today at J.C.
Penny’s? Yea, he heard little boy’s pants were half off!

There is three girls who are dead and they’re waiting to get into heaven. Well the man at the gates said, ” there was a shootout down on thirty fourth street and we have to send a few people down to he**.Plus, you girls’ records are toooooooo clean, if you can go back to earth and do the worst thing possible in 6 hours, i will let all of you in.” with that they were sent back down to earth and they only had 5 hrs and 55 min to do the worst thing possible. The first girl robbed the bank on 33rd street and the second girl killed her father. when they went back up to heaven the man asked them what they did the first girl replyed, ” i robbed the bank on 33rd street.” so he let her drink the holy water and go into heaven. Next he asked the second girl what she did and she replyed, “i killed my father.” The man was blown away but he let her drink the water and go into heaven. Last he asked the remaining girl what she did and she said, “I peed in the holy water.”

An alternate, yet still accurate, description of the Wizard of Oz.’Transported into a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.’