Category: celebrities

Q. What would happen to Snoop Dog, if he married Scooby Doo?

A. He would become Snoop Dog Doo.

How did eln keller burn her face?

she was bobbing for French fries

Did you hear that they found K. D. Lang dead?

Yeah, they found her face down in Rikki Lake.

Q: Why did Jack die but Rose live ??
A (Official): He loved her so he stayed in the icy water and let her stay
on the floating debris with coat and life jacket on.
A (Unofficial): She has more fat than he does

Q: Why did Rose throw away the ‘Heart Of The Ocean’ at the end??
A (Official): As in all love stories, love is held far above any treasure
on earth. The ‘object’ of love is returned to the ‘love of
her life,’ whose spirit lives on at the bottom of the ocean.
A (Unofficial): She finally realized it’s just plastic.

Q: Why did the censors cut the nude scene ??
A (Official): So that the film will not have an R rating.
A (Unofficial): The sketch was better than the original.

Q: Why didn’t Rose jump when she was teetering on the bow of the ship??
A (Official): Jack persuaded her not to.
A (Unofficial): She was actually afraid that she might smash her pretty
face on the propeller. (Remember her excuse for leaning too
far out that she slipped?)

Ok. This is one question that you will probably have to conjure up your
own answers because I myself can’t figure out the answer as well.
Q: Why didn’t the lights go off on the deck when the engine rooms were
already flooded?
A (Official):
A (Unofficial):

What does a priest and a christmas tree have in common?Their balls are for decoration

yo mama soooo poor she went to the dollar tree and put a $0.99,5 pack of gum on lay-a-way.

“It seemed like a great idea, except that we forgot that Grandma and Grandpa would be there… “As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true, because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung sadly empty and grew increasingly threadbare. One year, I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and a fake beard and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they don’t sell those things at Wal-mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go. You’ll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, “What does this do?” “You’re kidding me!” “Who owns that?” “Do you have their phone number?”Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance, that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck, so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. I’m not sure what a complicated doll is. Perhaps one that is subject to wild mood shifts and using a French accent for no reason at all. (That also describes a few ex-girlfriends.) Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I figured the expensive options were features Jay could live without, so I settled for “Lovable Louise.” She was at the bottom of the price scale. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly left the front door key hidden under the mat. In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty hose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning, my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. He would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover straight. We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except that we forgot that Grandma and Grandpa would be there…My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. “What the hell is that?” she asked. My brother quickly explained. “It’s a doll.” “Who would play with something like that?” Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. “Where are her clothes?” Granny continued. I hadn’t seen any in the box, but I kept this information to myself. “Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,” Jay said, trying to steer her to the dining room. But Granny was relentless. “Why doesn’t she have any teeth?” Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to be the one to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, “Hang on Granny, Hang on!” My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said,” Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?” I told him she was Jay’s friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. The she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, went outside and sat and fumed in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Lousie had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

Michael Jackson was in a room bumming George Michael. Suddenly Michael Jackson said ‘I have to go now, but i’ll be back in five minutes, whatever you do don’t wank.’ At that, Michael left.

Five minutes later Michael returned to find cum all over the ceiling and walls. ‘What the hell happened here, I told you not to wank.’ But George replied ‘I didn’t; I farted’

A Shorter, Harsher Titanic (Scene 1)KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn’t it?KATE’S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named ‘Picasso.’ I am certain he will amount to nothing.KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90’s audience, because they know this priceless paintings will sink with the boat.LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I’m Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.KATE: Thank you. So are you.LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my ‘brooding’ face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.KATE: While you’re doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and people start dying.WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you saved my fiancee’s life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because you’re poor, and then I’ll probably be physically abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one dimensional, perhaps I’ll throw an elderly person into the water.AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you’re trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!) *** (Scene 2)LEONARDO: I’m glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your fiance.KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the samething to me.AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course you have to take off your clothes.KATE:But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for that sort of thing?LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell out.NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what happened.KATE: Well all right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor) *** (Scene 3)FIRST MATE: Captain, we’re about to hit an iceberg.CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)ICEBERG: (hits boat)FIRST MATE: That can’t be good.CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!AUDIENCE: (silence)FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where’s Leonardo? *** (Scene 4)LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinkingKATE: That is terribleLEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified behavior?KATE: Certainly.WEASELLY FIANCE: (aside) I’m getting the raw end of the deal here: (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet somehow-less- annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.LEONARDO: Why don’t you just shoot me?WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn’t be able to escape and save Kate from me. Of course, you’re going to die anyway-AUDIENCE: Don’t spoil it for us! Boo!LEONARDO: He’s right, though. I am doomed.AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he’s doomed.WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people. *** (Scene 5)150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that’s when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn’t been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he’s pretty much dead now, and I’m well over a thousand years old, and who’s making my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it’s making my ears hurt. You kids today,with your loud music. Why, when I was – hey! Don’t you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty- Patootie! I’d turn you over my kneee, if I had one. I’ll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here! (Fade to black; roll credits; play annoying Celine Dion song.)

A beautiful innocent young lady wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve.

Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, “Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away.”

Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, “Oh Santa, don’t run a mile; just stay for a while…”

Santa begins to sweat but replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

The girl takes off her bra and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay.” Santa wipes his brow but replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

She loses the panties and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay….”

Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, “HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can’t get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!”

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided
to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and
asked for a room for the night. “Certainly madam,” he replied courteously.
“Is the restaurant open still?” inquired Mary. “Sorry, no,” came the
reply, “but room service is available all night. Would you care to select
something from this menu?” Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it.
“Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please,” said Mary. “Certainly,
madam,” he replied. “And can I have breakfast in bed?” asked Mary
politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. “In that case, I would love
a couple of poached eggs, please,” Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the
night. The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down
early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk. “Morning
madam…sleep well?” “Yes, thank you,” Mary replied. “Food to your
liking?” “Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I
don’t think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though….they really
weren’t that nice at all,” replied Mary truthfully. “Oh…well, perhaps
you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are
always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,” said
the receptionist. “OK, I will…thanks!” replied Mary….who checked out,
then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her
journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment
Mary had written. “Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!”

If Dolly Parton married
Jerry Smothers, and divorced him for
Mr. Lucky, and divorced him for
Martin Short, and divorced him for
former NFL kicker Ray Guy, she would be
Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy.