Category: celebrities

10. Say Christina Aguilera can whup her ass any day9. Lay her for free (Sorry, that’s something that’ll automatically get you IN to a Britney Spears concert)8. Try to pass yourself off as the opening act7. Make fun of Justin Timberlake6. Give her a wedgie5. Pass around pictures of her when she was in the Mickey Mouse Club4. Have legitimate proof that she got breast implants3. Bust her lip-synching2. Point out that her initials are BS1. Wait a minute…why the hell would anyone want to go to a Britney Spears concert in the first place?

1) You know what, I don’t give a rat’s be-hind about whether
you’re my neighbor or not. I STILL HATE YOU.

2) Where’s the exterminator? I’ve got a friggin world of puppets
in my wall, and nobody’s noticed a darn thing.

3) You know what? This neighborhood sucks. I don’t care what my
lines say, this neighborhood still sucks.

4) Yo, costume man! Screw you, and give me a better closet. I AM
SICK OF STUPID SWEATERS AND COATS.

5) Ah, never mind with the exterminator. He ain’t coming. I’m
going in that little hole in the wall to see what kind of hades
those puppets have made in my home.

6) I told the director I don’t like fish. What does he give me?
A huge tank of ’em.

7) Two words: SCREW LOAFERS

8) What’s a guy gotta do to get his mail? The stupid mailman
only comes around every two friggin years.

9) Holy mackeral, those hades-raisers have built a whole darn
puppet castle in my house.

10) That’s it, I’m blowing up the house. Whether I’m gonna be in
it or not depends on what the director says: Go ahead and kill
myself, I kill myself. Don’t kill myself, and I kill myself.

One day a boy ask to his mom :

Boy: Mom what does God look like?
Mom: I don’t know
Boy: Is God a girl or boy?
Mom: God is both girl and boy
Boy: Is God white or black?
Mom; God is both white and black
Boy: Is God gay or strait?
Mom: God is both gay and strait
Boy: Wow! Is God Michael Jackson?

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA), and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for the sled’s enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check-ride. Santa got in, fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun.”What’s that for?” asked Santa incredulously.The examiner winked and said, “I’m not supposed to tell you this, but as part of the test, you’re gonna lose an engine on take-off.”

Why did the chicken cross the road? Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the ”black man” in order to trample him and keep him down. The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, ”Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. Colonel Sanders: I missed one? L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we’ll find out. Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don’t know any chickens. I have never known any chickens. Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told! Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. Grandpa: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability. Saddam Hussein This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. Ronald Reagan: What chicken? Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. Bill Gates: I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque book, and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system. Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin”The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.””Oh yeah? Who was the guy?””Tiger Woods.””Tiger Woods the golfer?””Yeah.””Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”The husband and wife then make passionate love.When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.”What are you doing?” asks the wife.The husbands says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.””Tiger wouldn’t do that.””Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.”Now what are you doing?” She asks.The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.””Tiger wouldn’t do that.””Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?””He’d come back to bed and do it again.”The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love to wife one more time.When they finish he�s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and stars to dial.The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?””No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this damn hole.”

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.Just to see what would happen, on Christmas, their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.”Why are you crying?” the father asked.”Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken,” answered the pessimist twin.Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

Another new look for the Backstreet BoysSubmitted by: JuliaNote: Our “Send this Joke to A Friend” email thingy doesn’t transmit pictures. But if you see this in email, you can click on the link above!

Why does Stone Cold Steve Austin keep saying what what what?
Because he has to it goes with he’s job! hahahahehehehe

by:Krista Anderson

P.S. I relly like Stone Cold Steve Austin

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 10 year old said to her younger sister, ‘Well you just ask Mom. She’ll tell you it’s much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel.’

Father O’Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, “Elvis! Oh my God! It’s Elvis! I knew you weren’t dead Elvis! How have you been?” Father looks at her and says, “Get outta me face. Can’t you see I’m not Elvis? I don’t look a thing like Elvis.” The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he’s a little upset so he tells the cabby, “Take me to my hotel and step on it.” The cabby turns and says, “Sure thing sir – Oh my God! It’s Elvis! I knew you weren’t dead! I’m your number one fan! It’s so great to see you!” “Shut up, you imbecile. I’m not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!” So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O’Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. “Oh my God! Oh my God! It’s you!” screams the hotel clerk. “You’re back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I’m so glad you’re back!” Father O’Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, “Thank you. Thank you very much!”

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar.

Nicklaus: How is the singing career going?

Wonder : Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10 so all in
all I think it’s pretty good. By the way, how’s the golf?

Nicklaus: Not too bad, I’m not winning as much as I used to, but I’m still
making a bit of money. I’ve had some problems with my swing but I
think I’ve got that right now.

Wonder : I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop
playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I
play it seems to be all right.

Nicklaus: You play golf?

Wonder : Oh, yes, I’ve been playing for years.

Nicklaus: But…you’re blind, how can you play golf if you’re blind?

Wonder : I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to
me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards
him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddy moves to
the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball
towards his voice.

Nicklaus: But how do you putt?

Wonder : I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me
with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his
voice.

Nicklaus: What’s your handicap?

Wonder : Well, I play off scratch.

Nicklaus: [Incredulous] We’ve got to play a round sometime.

Wonder : Well, people don’t take me seriously so I only play for money,
and actually I never play for less than $100,000 a hole.

Nicklaus: [Thinks about it for a bit] OK, I’m game for that, when would
you like to play?

Wonder: Pick a night.