Category: celebrities

Bill gates dies and finds himself in pergatory, snacked up by God. God said “I’m letten you chose where you want to go.” Bill says “Whats the differance?” God said,”I’ll allow you a short visit at each to make up your mind.” The reply was lets see hell first. Hell was full of sandy beaches with beutiful women running aroud ang playing in the water. Bill said,”If this is hell, I want to see heaven!” So God took him to heaven. It was nice with all the angels floating around playing beautiful music. But, not as exciting as hell. So Bill said, ” Heaven’s nice and all, but I want to go to hell.” So Bill went to hell. A few weeks later, God decided to check on Bill. He found Bill in a dark cave being tortured by deamons. God asked, ” So, how ya’ doin’ Bill?” In a sad voice he said, “This is not what I expected. What happened to all of the beautiful women on the beaches?”

One day, the queen mother, Ian paisley, ian paisleys son and
Nelson mandela were taking a plane trip. To the horror of the
passengers the plane had spiralled out of control.

There were only 5 parchutes and 6 people. So the two pilots
took the first two parachutes and jumped out of the plane,
leaving 4 people and only three parachutes.

So Ian paisley said to the queen mother “you should go your
highness, you’re much too important to England to die” so she
took a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
Then Ian paisley said to Nelson mandela “sir, you should go,
your people need you” So Nelson mandela took a parachute and
jumped out of the plane.
Ian paisley’s son piped up “Da what about us?? theres only 1
left!!!”
But Paisley laughed and said “Dont worry son, I gave that black
bastard your schoolbag!!!!!!!”

Hillary Clinton died one day and wen’t to heaven and there were thousands of clocks. She asked why there were so many clocks? The angel that was standing there told her that each clock represents a person, when a person lies it ticks one second. She asked to see her husbands. The angel studerd for a second and then gave some huge ear muffs to her with a earpiece. The angel showed Hillary to a huge room on the wall was mounted a digital clock that was ticking like hell. She looked around and saw MILLIONS AND MILLIONS of insane angels mumbling “Tick, tick tick, tock, tock tock..” and MILLIONS AND MILLIONS of broken clocks. The angel sighed and said “we had to go to digital”

Note: Our “Send this Joke to A Friend” email thingy doesn’t transmit pictures. But if you see this in email, you can click on the link above!

In a cut sequence from the Return of the Jedi, Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are fighting a duel to the death when suddenly Darth says to Luke:

“Not only am I your Father, but I also know what you’re getting for Christmas!”

Taken aback by the change of subject and suspecting a trap, Luke replies cautiously:

“How could you possibly know what I’m getting for Christmas?”

Darth Vader…. “Because I’ve felt your presents….”

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.”– Shirley Temple

Q. Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?A. They were originally made for children – but the father always gets to play with them.

Q: Why did the Saddam trade one of his thirteen wives for

a new toilet?

A: The hole was smaller and smelled better.

Q: What’s the difference between Aeroflot and a Scud Missile?

A: Aeroflot has killed more people.

Q: What do you call two Iraqi women walking into a bar?

A: Incoming scuds!

Two Iraqis are chatting. One of them has his wallet out

and is flipping through pictures.

“This is my oldest. He’s a martyr.”

“Here’s my second son. He’s a martyr, too.”

There’s a pause. The second Iraqi says, wistfully, “Ah,

they blow up so fast, don’t they?”

Top Least-Known Facts About Saddam Hussein

…Shares pain of economic embargo because he can only obtain

gold-plated replacement fixtures for solid gold bathtubs.

…Top scientists have finally unlocked technological secrets

of 8-track tapes and Pez dispensers, but have yet to procure

free HBO.

…Extensive private collection of Barbie dolls has a lot of

missing limbs and strange burn marks.

…Still wonders if Ross and Rachel will get back together.

…Executed thousands over meager 99.99999% share of vote in

recent elections after forgetting to vote for himself.

…Upset that Slobodan hasn�t written for weeks.

…Gave pop quiz to aides after nine hour speech at “Disembowel

the Zionist Lackeys of Imperialism” Rally; those with low

marks now carefully reviewing notes by candlelight in Baghdad

sewer cages using remaining limbs.

…Pleased that he�s now slightly more popular in Kuwait than

flesh-eating bacteria; hopes to overtake botulism after

lengthy “hearts and minds” campaign.

…Bolsters the morale of elite troops by doing the “moonwalk”

for them.

…Still regretting brilliant “Park Entire Air Force in Iran”

maneuver during Gulf War.

…Excelled in the Iraqi Boy Scouts and still treasures his

Assassination Merit Badge.

…Uses various spellings of his name, such as Sadam, Sadamm,

or Sahdam, to keep ordering ten CD�s for only 1 cent from

his favorite record club.

…Recent rumors of his ill health were repeatedly, vehemently,

and fervently denied by his brand-new personal physician.

From: Bin Laden, Osama

To:Cavemates

Subject:The cave

Hi guys. We’ve all been putting in long hours but we’ve
really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to
Omar for putting up the poster that says “There is no I in team”
as well as the one that says “Hang in there, baby.” That cat is
hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can’t
forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few
concerns.
First of all, while it’s good to be concerned about cruise
missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions
in our cave. Hey, you don’t want to be stung and neither do I,
so we need to sweep the cave daily. I’ve posted a sign-up sheet
near the main cave opening.
Second, it’s not often I make a video address, but when I
do, I’m trying to scare the most powerful country on earth,
okay? That means that while we’re taping, please do not ride
your razor scooter in the background. Just while we’re taping.
Thanks.
Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by
edict, we’re not supposed to shave our beards. But I need
everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We’re
all in this together.
Fourth:food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly
wrote “Osama” on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today,
my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That’s all I’m saying.
Finally, we’ve heard that there may be American soldiers in
disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up
patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed,
Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.
Love you lots. Osama.
P.S. If it looks like I’m going to be captured, kill me. Hugs!
ObL

A pilot, the President, Micheal Jackson, a librarian, and some kids are on a plane that is about to crash. There are just enough parachutes that one person must die.

The pilot says “Well, I’m the pilot so i have to live,” so he jumps out with a parachute.

The President says “Well I’m the President and I have to run the country so i should live,”

“But what about the kids?” said the librarian.

“Screw the kids” said the President.

“I already did” said Micheal Jackson.

15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time.
11. Can’t enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck
yelling, “Look Ma! It’s Elvis!”
10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it’s impossible to find
clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of
coffin.
9. After 100 years of trying, still can’t score with Elvira.
8. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
7. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs
are suddenly off-limits.
6. No warm blood for miles around DC.
5. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized
“hardbodies.”
2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.

And the #1 complaint of Modern-day Vampires:
1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.

You’ll want to see the Reindeer Riddles before this one…

Q: What do you call a blind, legless reindeer with no balls?
A: Still no fucking eye deer

(And for the phonetically challenged: “Still, no fucking idea” as in he’s not moving, and he sure as hell ain’t fucking…)