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Michael Jackson and Arnold Schwarzenegger are in an airplane. There are lots of kids on the plane with them.
Suddenly an engine catches fire. The plane is going to crash. Realising this, Arnie and Michael grab the only two parachutes on the plane.
“What about the kids?” asks Michael
“F**k the kids” Arnie replies
Michael thinks for a moment and says
“Do you think we have time?”
Now that one plan offered by Bush to Saddam is exile, the question is Where? Roy Rivenburg of the L.A. Times (with a little help from the newspaper The Oregonian’s column The Edge) have come up with some ideas:
Fox TV: Writes Rivenburg: “On the heels of ‘Joe Millionaire,’ Fox could produce a new series called ‘Joe Dictator,’ in which 20 beautiful women compete to become Saddam’s mistress. During the courting process Saddam would tell the women he’s the potentate of an oil-rich Middle Eastern nation. Not until the final episode would he reveal the truth — that he has been driven from power and doesn’t have a single weapon of mass destruction to his name.”
Pro Wrestling: If World Wrestling Entertainment needs a new bad guy, he’s the perfect candidate: Saddam Insane.
“The Real World: Las Vegas”: Is there room for one more stranger in the infamous hot tub?
He could become O.J. Simpson’s caddy or…
Al Gore’s butler
or…
Head coach of the Cincinnati Bengals
He could share Dick Cheney’s bunker
Send him to France, where he’ll spend the rest of his days being served by French waiters.
Give him his own late-night talk show, with sidekick Slobodan Milosevic and bandleader Fidel Castro.
Hearst Castle: As the owner of 78 presidential palaces, Saddam would probably be an excellent grounds-keeper for the former estate of William Randolph Hearst.
“Bush Survivor: Evil Island”: In the latest entry of the CBS reality show, Saddam joins Bill Clinton, former Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega, North Korean president Kim Jong Il and a handful of other Bush enemies on a remote island, competing against a tribe of Bushes: George W., George Sr., Barbara, Jeb, W’s troublesome twins Jenna and Barbara, and Jeb’s jailbird daughter Noelle.
Alternate/rejected titles for the movie Twister: *Totally Gone With The Wind *Boys On The Side… Of My Barn *The Weather Channel: The Movie *Schindler’s Twist *Field of Debris *Dead Man Flying *One House Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest *The Splintered Bridges of Madison County *Wizard of Oz II:The Search For Toto *Killer Genuine Draft *Four Weddings and a Funnel *Indiana Jones and the Trailer Park of Doom *A Funny Thing Happened On the Way To the Farm *Roofless in Seattle
Sally: My daughter’s a cross dresser, let’s talk about it
Jenny: My daughter’s a cross dresser, is she better than me?
Jerry: My daughter’s a cross dresser, let’s kick her ass
Sally: Blind dates: I need someone sensitive
Jenny: Blind dates: I need someone with a good body
Jerry: Blind dates: I need someone who can kick ass!
Sally: Teens who dress too sexy, are they feeling angry?
Jenny: Teens who dress too sexy, are they really sexy?
Jerry: Teens who dress too sexy, and can kick ass!
Sally: Is my man cheating to get money for my sick mother?
Jenny: Is my man cheating cause I don’t dress good enough?
Jerry: Is my man cheating? I’ll kick his ass!
Sally: My summer: How I got emotionaly damaged
Jenny: My summer: How I got a boob job
Jerry: My summer: How I got to kick ass!
Sally: My parents don’t understand each other, please talk to
them
Jenny: My parents don’t understand each other, make them sexy
Jerry: My parents don’t understand each other, kick their asses
Sally: I’m afraid of letting my feelings out
Jenny: I’m afraid I’m not sexy enough
Jerry: I’m afraid I’ll get my ass kicked
Sally: Bad influences: What’s your child talking about at school?
Jenny: Bad influences: Did you hire a sexy babysitter?
Jerry: Bad influences: Do you kick his ass too much?
Sally: Fashion spree: Look more intelligent
Jenny: Look more sexy
Jerry: Look more ‘I’m gonna kick your ass’
Sally: Change your child’s attitude
Jenny: Change your child’s looks
Jerry: Kick your child’s ass
Sally: Long lost nerd: reunite with people from your class and
show ’em the new you
Jenny: Long lost nerd: reunite with people from your class and
show ’em how sexy you’ve become
Jerry: Long lost nerd: reunite with people from your class and
kick their ass! Don’t take that!
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 1999, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only “AMERICA” in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.The wishee further agrees to hold harmless and indemnify the wisher, along with its heirs, assigns, officers, directors, shareholders…
One day, Oprah Winfrey was looking around her room and said,
“Damn my room is ugly!”
So Oprah called up her interior decorator and asked her to come
and redo her room.
The decorator came, took a look around Oprah’s room and said, “I
think I know just the trick!”
So the decorator closed the door and went to work. Five minutes,
the decorator walked out of the room.
“Boy, that was quick!” Oprah said.
Then she saw the decorator walk out with about 10 mirrors in her
hand. “This might make your room less ugly!”
What has six teeth and 12 legs?
The front row of Willie Nelson’s concert!!!
ONe day, Al Gore, George W and Raplph Nader were eating lunch at a resturatunt.
They paid the check, then went to the bathroom.
On their way in, an attendant told them that the mirror in the bathroom would hold you until you said something if you looked at it, and if you told the truth you would get a billion dollars. But if you lied, youd be trapped in the mirror forever.
Ralph finished first, and looked at the mirror. Trapped, he said “i think i am the smartest one in this bathroom” and he got a billion dollars. Then Al Gore looked at the mirror and said, “i think i have the biggest ego in this bathroom” and he got a billion dollars. Then George looked at the mirror and siad, “i think-” and FWOOSH! he was trapped in the mirror.
What do Britney Spears and a computer have in common?
Their both cheap, white, and plastic….
The first day after ChristmasMy true love and I had a fightAnd so I chopped the pear tree downAnd burnt it, just for spiteThen with a single cartridgeI shot that blasted partridgeMy true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.The second day after ChristmasI pulled on the old rubber glovesAnd very gently wrung the necksOf both the turtle dovesMy true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.On the third day after ChristmasMy mother caught the croupI had to use the three French hensTo make some chicken soupThe four calling birds were a big mistakeFor their language was obsceneThe five golden rings were completely fakeand turned my fingers green.The sixth day after ChristmasThe six laying geese wouldn’t laySo I sent the whole darn gaggle to the A.S.P.C.A.On the seventh day, what a mess I foundThe seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned(I think there’s a “my true love gave to me” in here somewhere)The eighth day after ChristmasBefore they could suspectI bundled up theEight maids-a-milkingNine ladies dancingTen lords-a-leapingEleven pipers pipingTwelve drummers drumming – well, actually I kept one of the drummers -And sent them back collectI wrote my true love”We are through, love!”And I said in so many words”Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the(Soprani) Birds!”(Everyone else) Four calling birds,Three french hens,Two turtle dovesAnd a partridge in a pear tree!”
The Top 15 Movie Quotes Translated to Haiku
26. (from “Field of Dreams”)
Ray, people will come
To see some ghosts play baseball.
They’ll drink six-buck beer.
25. (from “Fight Club”)
Remember Rule One:
We do not talk of Fight Club.
Rule Two: See Rule One.
24. (from “The Godfather II”)
Don’t worry, Fredo,
Blood is thicker than water.
Now get in the boat.
23. (from “Animal House”)
Only one cure for
Double-secret probation…
Cry, “Toga! Toga!”
22. (from “Caddyshack”)
Cute fuzzy rodent
Who’s digging up the golf course,
Come get a surprise.
21. (from “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines”)
Hot Terminatrix!
If the next one’s as pretty,
Then I will be back.
20. (from “The Wizard of Oz”)
Still in the Midwest?
Such lush, colorful landscape
Would indicate not.
19. (from “Apocalypse Now”)
Ah! The sweet outdoors!
No scent is more divine than
Napalm in the morn!
18. (from “Dirty Harry”)
Was it six or five?
If your head gets blown clean off
You were not lucky.
17. (from “Gone With The Wind”)
With candor, darling,
The extent of my concern
Is negligible.
16. (from “The Sixth Sense”)
My vision perceives
People no longer alive,
If you catch my drift.
15. (from “Sling Blade”)
I may be ugly
And dumb as an ox, but I
Sure love them taters.
14. (from “Midnight Cowboy”)
Ignorant driver!
Can’t you see me traversing
Here in the crosswalk?!?
13. (from “They Live”)
To chew bubble gum
And kick ass is why I’ve come,
But I have no gum.
12. (from “The Hulk”)
Anger me not, friend.
My appeal declines sharply
Once I am enraged.
11. (from “Silence of the Lambs”)
Chianti I chose.
It goes quite well with people,
The other white meat.
10. (from “Jerry Maguire”)
Please be so kind as
To display for my review
The legal tender.
9. (from “Taxi Driver”)
You talkin’ to me?
Yet again, I beseech thee:
You talkin’ to me?
8. (from “Dirty Harry”)
Point that gun this way!
Go ahead — make my day, punk!
[Blam, blam, blam, blam! Thud.]
7. (from “Deliverance”)
When you bend over,
Please emit shrill cries and shrieks,
As if you were swine.
6. (from “Casablanca”)
Crazy, war-filled world.
The two of us ain’t worth a
Bunch of garbanzos.
5. (from “Gone With the Wind”)
I assure you that
I’m totally untrained in
Obstetrical arts.
4. (from “The Lion King”)
Hail the Lion King,
Though he’s likely to eat you.
Life’s circle’s a bitch.
3. (from “Titanic”)
I won’t let go, Rose,
At least, not because of love.
Now, rigor mortis….
2. (from “2001: A Space Odyssey”)
Electronic dude,
I really wish you would just
OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!
…and Topfive.com’s Number 1 Movie Quote Translated to Haiku…
1. (from “The Empire Strikes Back”)
“Try,” you say to me?
No such thing as “try,” dumbass.
Do it or shut up.
David beckham, the pope, a school girl and a pilot on a plane. the plane is about to crash and there is only three parachutes the pilot takes one and jumps off the plane. david beckham takes one and jumps off. the pope says to the little girl “i have lived a full life so you should take the last parachute” then the little girl replied “david beckham is so stupid he didnt take a parachute he took my schoolbag” and they both jumped off the plane