Category: celebrities

Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of some
American Indians. After the tour of the reservation, she asked
why the difference in the number of feathers in a headress. His
reply was, “Me have only one squaw so me only have one feather.”

She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow was putting
her on. This brave had four feathers. He replied. “Me have four
feathers, because me sleep with four squaws.”

Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number
of mates involved, she decided to interview the chief. Now the
chief had a headress, full of feathers. Needless to say, this
intrigued Ms. Walters.

She asked the chief, “Why do you have so many feathers in your
headress?” The chief proudly pounded his chest and said, “Me
chief, me fuck-em all.”

Horrified. Ms. Walters said, “You aught to be hung!” The chief
replied, “Damn right, me hung like buffalo.”

Ms. Walters cried, “You don’t have to be so hostile!” The chief
replied, “Hoss-style, dog-style, hog-style, wolfstyle,
any-style. Me fuck-em all!”

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, “Oh dear!” The chief
said, “No deer… me fuck no deer, assholes too high and the
fuckers run too fast. No fuck-em deer.”

this girl asks this guy if he would like a drink he said i’ll
have a coke she say would you like that in the can he say i’ll
have it right here.

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)

3. Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

Little Johnny is told by his mother that he has been VERY bad this year.”What?! Nothing for Christmas?” cried little Johnny.”Well,” said Mum, “maybe if you write a letter to baby Jesus and tell him how sorry you are, Santa will bring you some presents.”The little boy returned to his room and began his letter.With each attempt at writing, he would first apologise and then promise to be good for a certain amount of time. Each letter was crumpled up and started over again, making the “be good” time shorter with each letter.Finally, in frustration he gave up and then was struck by a bolt of inspiration!Running to the living room he carefully removed the little Mother Mary figure from the family’s manger scene and carefully wrapped it in a sock, placing it in his top drawer.Returning to his desk, he took out a piece of paper and began to write:”Dear Baby Jesus, if you ever want to see your Mother again …”

One day in New Orleans, back in the ’80s, Tom Arnold was walking
down the street. Tom sat down and a few minutes later, he saw a
funeral procession heading his way. First came a hearse, then a
man crying his eyes out, next is a German Shepherd, and last is
a single file line of men.

Tom was curious so he walked up to the man who’s crying and
asked, “Who died?” The man replied, “My wife.” Tom asked, “Oh,
how sad. How did she die?” “My…my dog ate…ate her alive.”
Tom thought for a minute, decided the dog was big enough and
looked like he can hold a big meal so he asked, “Can I borrow
your dog?” The man replied, “Get in line!”

Titanic vs. Slick Willy’s Deposition Video From the Philadelphia Daily News, September 28, 1998TITANIC CLINTON VIDEO=============================================================$9.99 on Internet SameOver 3 hours long SameThe Story of Jack and Rose, The Story of Bill and Monica,their forbidden love, and their forbidden love, anda subsequent catastrophe a subsequent catastropheTheir Song: Celine Dion Their Song: Sarah”My Heart Will Go On” Maclaughlin ”No. 5”Villain: White Star Line Villain: Ken StarrJack is a starving Artist Bill is a BS artistIn one part, Jack enjoys Ditto for Bill.a Good Cigar.During the ordeal, Rose’s Ditto fordress gets ruined Monica’sJack Teaches Rose to Spit Let’s not EVEN go there!Rose gets to keep her jewelry Monica forced to return giftsBehind the scenes: Behind the scenes:Leonardo DiCaprio is Bill Clinton’s approvalwildly popular rating is at 70%Jack meets an icy death Bill goes home to Hillary

Q. What do Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?

A. They both have boys pants half off.

I gave out a list of some gifts I would like to have from ‘Old Santa’ to my six children & their families. One of the items listed was a belt, size 48-50 (I am of ample proportions). The following is a true story told to me by my son-in-law last night.He and my 7 year old grandson were out looking at gifts last week and my son-in-law told John to go look for a belt – size 48- 50. A little later John came back with the longest belt he found (size 44). Jack told him to take it back and get one 48-50. John came back a second time, again with the largest belt he could find (size 46). Jack told him again to get a size 48-50! Whereupon John asked, ‘Dad do they really make cows that long?’

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of
quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for
dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she
wanted to stash the quarters in her room. “I’ll be right back
and we’ll go to eat,” she told her husband and she carried the
coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men
already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big…very
big…an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought
was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don’t
be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial
stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious,
flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn’t read her mind, but
knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the
elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed. She couldn’t
just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up
one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot
and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around
stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second
passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear
increased! The elevator didn’t move. Panic consumed her. “My
God”, she thought, “I’m trapped and about to be robbed!” Her
heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then…one of the men said, “Hit the floor.” Instinct told her:
Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as
she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A
shower of coins rained down on her. “Take my money and spare
me”, she prayed.

More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely,
“Ma’am, if you’ll just tell us what floor you’re going to, we’ll
push the button.” The one who said it had a little trouble
getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly
laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They
reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her
feet.

“When I told my man here to hit the floor,” said the average
sized one, “I meant that he should hit the elevator button for
our floor. I didn’t mean for you to hit the floor, ma’am.” He
spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a
hard time not laughing.

She thought: “My God, what a spectacle I’ve made of myself.” She
was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology,
but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly
respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to
rob you? She didn’t know what to say.

The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her
bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on
walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her
feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the
corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.

As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with
laughter while they walked back to the elevator. The woman
brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went
downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room–a dozen
roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar
bill. The card said: “Thanks for the best laugh we’ve had in
years.” It was signed, Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan

1. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, then why do we still
have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where
all the bad girls live.

6. I went to the bookstore and asked the sales clerk, “Where’s
the self-help section?” She said that if she told me it would
defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all of those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets
aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is walking around the middle of the forest speaking
and there is no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?

10.If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
himself, is it a hostage situation?

11.Is there another word for synonym?

12.Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
practice?

13.Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

14.What do you do when you see an endangered animal eat an
endangered plant?

15.If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16.Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17.Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?

18.If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he considered homeless
or naked?

19.Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

20.Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21.If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
right to remain silent?

22.Why do they put braille on drive-through bank machines?

23.How do they get the deer to cross at the yellow signs?

24.Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste
funny?

25.What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26.Here’s something you never hear a man say: “After I shove
this hot poker up my ass I’m going to chop my dick off.”

27.Another thing you’ll never hear a man say: “Stop sucking my
dick or I will call the cops.”

28.Life’s not that tough. You wake up, go to work, eat three
meals, take one good shit and go back to bed.

29.Why are boxing rings square?

10. Ellen DeGeneres: Suffocates in closet.

9. Susan Lucci: Trips and breaks her neck while running up the stairs to
get an Emmy.

8. Jenny McCarthy: Struck by a random thought.

7. Frank Sinatra: Killed by strangers in the night.

6. RuPaul: Prostate Cancer.

5. O.J. Simpson: Killed by the “real killer” in an apperent suicide.

4. Madonna: Exposure.

3. Unabomber: Mail bomb returned due to “insufficient postage”.

2. Al Gore: Dutch Elm Disease.

1. Bill Gates: Falls out of the window.

Q . How do you get a Picachu on a bus?A . Poke him on!