Category: celebrities

The OJ trial as Told by Dr. Seuss I did not kill my lovely wife. I did not slash her with a knife. I did not bonk her on the head. I did not know that she was dead. I stayed at home that fateful night. I took a limo, then took a flight. The bag I had was just for me. My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be! When I came home, I had a gash. My hand was cut from broken glass. I cut my hand on broken glass. A broken glass did cause that gash. My friend, he took me for a ride. All through LA, from side to side. From north to south, we took a ride. But from the cops we could not hide. My trial lasted for a year. A year! A year! Just sitting here! The DNA, the HEM, the HAW! The circus-hype the viewers saw! A year! A year! Just sitting here! Did you do this awful crime? Did you do this anytime? I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. Did you take this person’s life? Did you do it with a knife? I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. Did you hit her from above. Did you drop this bloody glove? I did not hit her from above. I cannot even wear that glove. I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. The glove you see it doesn’t fit The lawyer says you must acquit Acquit because the cops all lied Acquit, acquit the lawyer cried The jury came back verdict in hand and silence fell across the land Not guilty, not guilty they did decree Not guilty, not guilty, now set him free And now I’m free, I can return To my house for which I yearn. And to my family whom I love. Now would you please return my glove!!

*”Being John McEnroe” People line up to see what’s it’s like to be an immature tennis star who gets dumped by Tatum O’Neal. Followed by yet another sequel: “Being John Mellencamp.” *”Tricentennial Man” Robin Williams plays a robot who cries so much he rusts himself stiff. *”Double Jeopardy 2″ Ashley Judd is framed for the murder of Alex Trebek. Co-stars Tommy Lee Jones as Pat Sajak. *”The Milk-Bone Collector” Denzel Washington plays a quadriplegic mailman trying to catch a psychotic dog who is terrorizing U.S. postal workers. *”Bringing Out the Dead II”A documentary on Al Gore and Bill Bradley’s campaign speeches. *”The D.A.R.E. Witch Project” Three drug-abuse counselors vanish in the Maryland woods while trying to do an intervention with a heroin- addicted witch. It cost a mere $12.75 to make because it was filmed entirely by squirrels on amphetamines. *”Saving Private Ryan Again” Hapless Ryan returns home from the war but continues to find himself in one jam after another. In the graphic opening sequence, he locks himself out of his car and has to be rescued by a AAA driver played by Tom Hanks. *”End of Days II”Pat Buchanan is elected president. *”The Sixth Sense II”Starring Marlon Brando. “I see fat people.”

If i saw this slogan id join faster than a sumowrestler to a
hotdog

“osama wants yo momma come protect her for the u.s.”

(signups anyone)

How do you destroy all boy bands in one fall swoop?

Give one of ’em AIDS.

So one day superman was flying over this skyscraper. He saw this hot girl, sunbathing nude. Then he goes, “What the hell, i want to screw her. I can do it and she won’t even notice.” So he goes down, screws her aand flies away.
The hot girl goes, “What the hell was that?”

The invisible man replies, “I don’t know, but my asshole really hurts now…”

Get it?

Here are some possible married names:

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she’d be Ella Vader.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he’d be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to
marry Elton John, she’d be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry
Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she’d be Bea Sting.

If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she’d be Tuesday March 3.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and
married Jerry Mathers, she’d be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he’d be Snoop Doggy
Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe
Alou, he’d be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced
him to marry Kenny G., he’d be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Related to Quark on “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine”) has no
other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license.
If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he’d be Nog
Nog Hughes Dare.

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack
Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he’d be Jack Handy Capp
Paar King.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married
Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he’d be Woody
Wood Peck Hur.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King
Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener
(mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

After big tragedies the net often swims with humor about the people and event involved. Some people think this is a healing process, others find it in bad taste. WARNING: DO NOT READ If think you might be offended by Sonny Bono death jokes.======================================================What do Cher and a 50 year old Redwood have in common?They both got nailed by Sonny Bono . .What’s the difference between Al Gore and Sonny Bono?One’s a tree-hugging stiff…and the other’s a tree-hugging stiff.That makes it…TREES ……… 2Celebrites …. 0Death by snow: Michael Kennedy, Sonny Bono, Chris FarleyWhat was the most surprising thing about the discovery of Sonny’s body?That he was recognized.Why did Sonny die in a ski accident?After being a mayor and a congressman, he wanted to be a Kennedy.Police reported it was a quick death. Just like his solo career.The Grim Reaper’s Boss: ‘I said, ‘the singer Ono,’ not Bono!Damn!, this is the second time you botched a job on her!’What preceded Sonny Bono’s senseless death?Sonny Bono’s senseless life.What was the last thing that went through Sonny Bono’s mind?The 60s.How was the body found?Sonny side up.What were they singing when they discovered the corpse?’When Sonny gets blue…’How do we know Sonny was a politician at heart?At the very end, he was stumping.How will the priest begin the eulogy?’We are gathered together on this slalom occasion….’We are all mortal. And in the end, Sonny was just ski and bones.What does the island of Elba and the Heavenly Ski Lodge have in common?BonopartsIf Cher had been skiing and hit a tree, she would’ve probablylived. It’s an even fight, wood vs. plastic.What did Michael Kennedy say when he met Sonny in the afterlife?What are you doing in this neck of the woods?A tree turns out to be Sonny’s greatest hit.Hoagy Carmichael: ‘Stardust.’Sonny Bono: ‘Sawdust.’What did Sonny say after he heard the news about Michael Kennedy?’I hope it doesn’t happen to me–knock on wood!’A duet sung by Michael Kennedy & Sonny Bono….’Pine Trees Hurt Babe!’When his widow sues the ski area… will her lawyer be ‘Pro-Bono’ ?Sonny didn’t see a tree…He thought it was Cher up ahead.It seems that the conservative Republican Congressman from Californiais, after all, a tree hugger!How is Sonny like a ‘Most Wanted’ poster?The County Sheriff is the only one authorized to peel them off a tree!What does Congress and U2 have in common?Each is now missing one Bono.Looks like Bono’s music carreer has picked up again…He’s the newest member of the Dead KennedysTitles for the Sonny Bono Tribute Album…I’ve Got Yew, Babe!Sonny Bono Headlines…Recent graduate of the Michael Kennedy ski school.When last seen he was ‘pining’ for another ‘sappy’ hit.Ski injuries this season: Several deaths…and at least one broken Bono.Who will be next? Remember, skiing deaths come in ‘trees’How was Sonny Bono’s skiing skills?Kind of wooden.Did you hear Sonny Bono died while skiing?He fell off the ‘Cher’ lift!Sung to the tune of ‘You’ve Got Me, Babe’…They say that tree won’t make a dent,But now that branch has got me heaven sent.You know what really pisses me,I’m imitating Michael Kennedy,Tree,You got me tree,You got me tree…Sonny Bono had four wives. The were sequential marriages, not all at thesame time; he divorced the first three. Why then was his funeral held in a Catholic Church?

Investigating the two skiing deaths that occurred so closely to each other, authorities found this note:StoP tHE LogGInG oR WE WilL coNTinUE To KiLL OnE CelEBriTy EaCH WeEK!!!

Sung to the tune of Santa Claus is Coming to Town You better watch out, You better not cry, You better not pout, I’m telling you why, Santa Claus is tapping, Your phone. He’s buggin your room, He’s reading your mail, He’s keeping a file And runnin a tail Santa Claus is tapping Your phone He hears you in the bedroom Surveils you out of doors And if that doesn’t get the goods Then he’ll use provocateurs. So you mustn’t assume That you are secure On Christmas Eve He’ll kick in your door Santa Claus is tapping Your phone…

What do Britney Spears and a blow up doll have in common?

1. Their both plastic.

2. Their mouths are big.

3. And they’re easy to use.

Regis was asking a few questions in front of his
mirror….practising for his show the next night on who wants to
be a millionaire. After he was done he decided to go for a nice
mountain walk to get some breeze. And as he did he noticed how
much he echoed. So he screamed on words on top of the mountain.
SOme were kind of gross and others practises. As he got to the
very tip-top he noticed that he sounded pretty wierd…his voice
was to high. He screamed out crying and fell to his knees
asking why his voice was so high and the echo returned…”Hey
you think I like being your echo…God you asshole just quit the
job its emmbarrising”

2 of the queens corgies were having a chat in the garden.
one said to the other “it’s a shame the queen mum is dead”

the other replied ” i’m glad shes gone”

“why is that then”

“coz we wont get the blame for pissing on the couch anymore”.