Category: celebrities

there is a kid named litle Jonny. every friday his techer gives
his class a quiz. if a kid got the question right, they would
have no homework and no school on monday.
the first friday came. the teacher said quiz time. then she
asked how many stars are there in the sky then little jonny got
called on. he answered 1000.
the teacher said thats wrong, heres your homework, see ya
monday. next friday came the teacher said how many fish in the
se lil jonny was caled on. he said 1000 tha teacher said thats
wrong see ya monday.
before next friday came little jonny bought bouncy black 8
balls.
next friday came and the teacher said quiz time then little
bounced the 8 balls. the teacher said allright, who’s the
comedian with the black balls?
little jonny raised his hand and said Bill Cosby.
see ya tuesday

Current Proceedings ‘Not Long Enough,’ News Outlets Argue

On the eve of closing arguments in the Michael Jackson child-molestation trial, a coalition of the major all-news networks has asked the judge in the case for a new trial, claiming that the current legal proceedings were “not long enough.”

A spokesperson for the networks, Peter Fendell, held a press conference on Thursday to state the cable news outlets’ position that the current trial had given “short shrift” to the key issues in the case.

“Unless there is another, longer trial, preferably one that lasts until May sweeps in 2007, justice will not be served,” Mr. Fendell said.

He said that a longer trial would allow more time to focus on the lurid sexual details of the case, which he said had been “glossed over.”

He added that, in addition to being “too quick and cursory,” the current Jackson trial was marred by the insufficient number and quality of celebrity witnesses.

“Instead of Jay Leno, George Lopez and Macaulay Culkin, in a new trial we would like to see Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Johnny Depp,” he said.

In response to the networks’ request, the judge in the case, Superior Court Judge Rodney S. Melville, issued a terse response: “If the networks think Michael Jackson is getting another trial, they must be on crack,” adding, “They might as well ask for O.J. Simpson to have another trial.”

“We’ll settle for that,” Mr. Fendell replied.

ZIPPERGATE IN MOVIE TITLES PG 13 Subject: Executive Decision, True Lies, Beauty and the Beast, …. **Disclaimer: The following story, though based on a true story contains altered or questionable facts and statements. Names and places have been changed to protect the innocent, if in fact there are any. **This is The Never Ending Story of a 9 To 5, Working Girl, and The American President. The latter of whom offered the former an Indecent Proposal. It seems this Top Gun was Addicted To Love, to Youngblood. He had a Basic Instinct, Fatal Attraction, for this Pretty Woman, this Babe. He liked to Kiss The Girls, and liked Boys On The Side…. but that’s Oliver’s Story.Casual Sex? No, she saw Career Opportunities, The Sure Thing. She had Great Expectations.It was to be a Close Encounter Of The Third Kind, a Mission Impossible. We’re talking Risky Business, Dangerous Ground. Till now she’d played The Saint, but this would be Unforgiven, for she would break The Ten Commandments.It Happened One Night. It would be An Affair To Remember. The Bodyguard would be the means of the Deliverance. She was in the Head Office From Dusk Till Dawn. She started with a Striptease, then Goin’ South for The Fly. His pants Falling Down to his Sneakers, revealing The Pelican Briefs. Looked like there’d be Foul Play. She would Free Willy Two, and be surprised by the Hook. Up Close And Personal, she put her parted Jaws upon The Thing. She’d never Eight Men Out before, but he was Blown Away. Trading Places, he slipped his Goldfinger into her Paradise Alley. He could smell her Heat and taste her Primal Fear. Her Field Of Dreams began to Grease. Their Private Parts made Contact. He thrust his Shaft into The Abyss. She felt a Sudden Impact, and her Crimson Tide broke upon his Great Balls OF Fire!He expected an Easy Rider, but she was a Twister, and Rocky Two. She squirmed Every Which Way But Loose. He drove his Willy Wonka with Speed into The Deep. Then Chitty, Chitty, Bang! Bang! He released Hot Shots of his White Squall into her Dark Passage. She felt The Wiz, then The Big Chill, and Speechless, Waiting To Exhale, let out a Scream. It was over in 8 Seconds.Then came The Long Kiss Good Night.The Morning After, Dazed And Confused, she told her Circle Of Friends what had occurred. She said she was told if there was ever a Q&A by Internal Affairs to protect the President with Secrets & Lies. All The Presidents’ Men wanted her to be a Liar, Liar. Unbeknownst, one of these confidants was Wired.48 Hrs. Another 48 Hrs. 9 1/2 Weeks. Another 9 1/2 Weeks. Then seeking Fame and Big Fortune, this confidant would hold The American President for Ransom. He wasn’t Above Suspicion, he was Fair Game. She thought, ‘ I’m Gonna Git You Sucka!’. She told the press, ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer.’ She Set It Off….a Chain Reaction which could Breakdown the Absolute Power of the President, Against All Odds. He’d be Better Off Dead, Fallen. Grumpy Old Men and Ordinary People will shout their Conspiracy Theory. His Misery would cause Dead Presidents to rollover in their grave. When the tapes are aired, he would be Coming To America.However Suspect, the President was a Diehard In The Line Of Fire. He addressed the people and stated, ‘This is Much Ado About Nothing. Stand By Me. Right wing advocates will Say Anything, and should Never Cry Wolf.’ The First Lady And The Tramp also showed Courage Under Fire. Clueless, and without a Witness For The Prosecution, the Dragnet came to a halt. The American President was no longer Under Siege, and The Shadow over the Capitol.

Q: How do you make a Madonna out of a Shirley Temple drink?

A: …hold the cherries.

Q: Why does Helen Keller’s mother think that Helen is the reason
that their dog jumped off a cliff?

A: Because she walked up behind it and screamed
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Mattel has changed the measurements on its world famous Barbie doll to make her body more realistic.Her chest was reduced, and her waist was made larger.Mattel hopes this will send the message that even an ugly woman can be a complete airhead.Officials at Mattel say if the new, more realistic looking Barbie doll goes over well with the public.They may introduce a new, gayer looking Ken doll by next Christmas.Mattel’s announced that it’s reconfiguring its Barbie doll to make her more flat-chested and fatter.Of course, the new Barbie will also come with a dream-house bachelor pad where Ken can meet his thinner, bigger-breasted mistresses.

Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go
before St. Peter to find out if they’ll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so St.Peter
must decide which of them gets in.

St.Peter asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she
should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, “Look at
these. They’re the most perfect ones God ever created and I’m
sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for
eternity.”

St.Peter thanks Dolly and asks Diana the same question. Diana
drops her skirt and panties,takes a bottle of Perrier out of her
purse, shakes it up and douches with it.

St. Peter says, “OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day.”

Dolly is outraged. She screams, “What was all that about? I show
you two of God’s best creations, she performs a disgusting,
pornographic act and she gets in and I don’t?!”

“Sorry, Dolly but a royal flush beats a great pair any day.”

Did you hear what Queen Elizabeth gave Fergie for her birthday?
A plane ticket to Paris and a mercedes

Did you hear what Dodi Al Fayed said to the chauffeur before thier
untimely death?
Hey. Wanna come for a ride with me and Di? (die)

One day Pinocchio was moping around his home and his dad Geppetto said, “What’s wrong Pinocchio?”Pinocchio: “Well every time me and my girlfriend has sex she gets splinters, what should i do?”Geppetto: “Well Pinocchio why don’t you try sand paper?”The next day Geppetto says, “So did the sand paper help your girlfriend have sex?”Pinocchio: “Who needs a girlfriend when i have sand paper?”

Britney spears craig david and shaggy were on a plane and someone farts craig david says i’m walking away shaggy says it wasint me and britney spears says opp’s i did it again
the next day they are on a plane and someone farts shaggy says it wasnt me craig david says i;m walking away and britney spears says stronger than yesterday.

Red Buttons, appearing on Dennis Miller’s Show, announced he was 80 years old but that 80 is not “old.” Red explained: “Old” is when your doctor doesn’t give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

The Scarecrow, Tin Man and Bill Clinton were walking down the yellow brick road and saw the Emerald City in the distance.The Scarecrow says, “Wow, what a beautiful place, I wonder if I can find a brain”The Tin Man says, “Wow, what a beautiful place, I wonder if I can find a heart”President Bill Clinton says, “Wow, what a beautiful place…..Where’s Dorothy?”