Category: catholics

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and
requests shelter there. Fortunately, she’s just in time for
dinner and is treated to the best fish and chips she’s ever
eaten! After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the
chefs. She is met by two brothers. “Hello, I’m Brother Michael,
and this is Brother Charles.”

“I’m very pleased to meet you,” she says. “I just wanted to
thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the
best I’ve ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?”

“Well,” says Brother Charles, “I’m the fish friar.”

She turned to the other brother and says, “Then you must be…?”

“Yes,” he replied, “I’m afraid I’m the chip monk.”

3 nuns were allowed to have one night away from the church…so
they traveled all around, and had a blast. The next morning, all
3 lined up in front of the Confession Stand.

The first nun went in and the priest asked her, “What sins have
you committed?” And the nun said, “Well, father, I made love to
a man I met in a bar.” And the Priest thought for about 40
seconds, and said, “You are forgiven, but you must drink of the
holy water.” So she thanked him, and took a big drink, and she
ran off, and threw up. The third nun laughed quietly.

The second nun went in, and he asked her the same question, and
the second nun said, “Well, I made love to a man, and I got very
drunk.” So, the priest thought for 40 seconds, and said, “You’re
forgiven, but you must drink of the holy water.” So, she thanked
him, and went to the water, and drank a lot, she ran and threw
up.

The priest became very confused as they were throwing up, and
the third nun was laughing her head off. She stumbled into the
confession stand. The priest knew she was drunk, and he said,
“What have you done, M’Lady?” And she laughed, and screamed out,
“I pissed and spat in the holy water!”

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight
at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear
Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER &
FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and
Prayer conference includes meals.”

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I will not pass this way again,”
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

“Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid
of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget
your husbands.”

Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers’.
Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone
come for a fun time.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled
due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon
tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests
tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the
choir will sing “Break Forth into Joy.”

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love.

Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you – let the Church help.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in
the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What
is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition
of several new members and to the deterioration of some older
ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who
enjoy sinning to join the choir.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The Lutheran men’s group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed
potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a
nominal feel. For those of you who have children and don’t know
it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
deceased person(s) you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a
healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb
entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M.-prayer and medication to
follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the
B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast
next Sunday morning.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the
back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in
the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited
to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”

There were 3 guys who went to the priest to confess.

Priest: Tell me your sins.
GUY1 : I have been cheating on my wife with the new gorgeous
woman in town for the past 2 weeks.
Priest: Go outside and say two Hail Mary’s.

Priest: Tell me your sins.
GUY2 : I have been cheating with my wife for the past month
with the new gorgeous woman in town.
Priest: GO outside and say two Hail Mary’s and one Our Father.

Priest: tell me your sins
GUY3 : I have been cheating on my wife for the past 2 months
with the new gorgeous woman in town.
Priest: Just wondering but what is the name of this gorgeous
woman?
GUY3 : Her name is Mrs. Green–Mrs. Pussy Green
Priest: Ok well say 2 Our Fathers.

That Sunday while he was giving mass, a gorgeous woman wearing
all green–green hat, green dress, green eyes, green shoes, and
emerald jewelry walks in. She walks to the front of the church
and sits down on the first pew. The Priest wondering if this was
the famous Pussy green, leans over to the alter boy and asks,
“Is that Pussy Green?” The Alter boy looks and replies, “No I
think its a reflection of her shoes.”

A little girl was learning about whales and she went up to her
teacher to ask her a question, “Teacher, do whales eat humans?”
The teacher replied, “No, their necks are too small.” The little
girl said, “Johan got eaten by a whale.” Teacher replied, “No he
didn’t, whales’ necks are way to SMALL.” “Well when I go to
heaven I’m going to ask Johan myself,” said the little girl.
“What if he went to hell?” asked the teacher. “Then you can go
ask him!” answered the little girl!

Three couples were attempting to be admitted into a new church.
The priest said, “Well, the only way that you can get into my
church is that you must abstain from having sex for two weeks.”

“No problem!” said all three couples.

Two weeks later, the three couples returned to the church. “It
was a piece of cake. We didn’t have sex for two weeks straight.”
said the elderly couple.

“It was kind of difficult, but we made it. We didn’t have sex
for two weeks straight.” said the middle-aged couple.

“Well, we made it through the first five days or so, but then,
as my wife was bending over to pick up a can of paint, I just
had to give it to her right then and there.” said the newlywed
couple.

The priest was stunned. “You do realize that you aren’t welcome
in this church, don’t you?”

The couple shrugged it off. “That’s ok. We aren’t welcome in
Home Depot anymore, either.”

One day there was a little boy who got his little red wagon
stuck in the mud. He was cursing and kicking it trying to get it
out, when a priest happened along and upon scolding him for
cursing said, “Little boy you should’nt go on like that, did you
know that god is everywhere.”

The little boy said, “Oh yeah? Is he in my shoe?”

The priest replied Yes.

“Is he in my little red wagon?”

“Yes,” said the priest.

“Then why the heck doesn’t he get out and help me push?!”

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, “I was cleaning in
the father’s room the other day and guess what I found? A bunch
of pornographic magazines.” “What did you do?” the other nuns
asked. “Of course I threw them in the trash.”

The second nun said, “I can top that. I was in the father’s room
putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!” “Oh
my!” gasped the other nuns. “What did you do?” they asked. “I
poked holes in all of them!” she replied.

The third nun fainted.

One beautiful Saturday afternoon a priest and a man are golfing.

The priest tees-off first making a beautiful shot on the
fairway. Next the man hits and his shot crashes into the water
trap. “God-damn it I missed!” the man exclaims in anger.

“Be careful or God will strike you with a lightning bolt,” the
priest replies.

One the next tee the priest makes a nice shot onto the green
while the man’s lands in the sand. “God-damn it I missed!”

“Be careful or God will strike you with a lightning bolt,” the
priest says.

Next hole the priest gets the play within range for an eagle
put. The man shots and again it flys into the water. “God-damn
it I missed!” as the man said this the sky clouded over. All of
a sudden a lightning bolt came down and hit the priest.

The man looked up to hear, “God-damn it I missed!”

This is the story of Heaven’s gardener. He is the one who cuts
the trees and mowns the lawn up there… and he’s about to get
promoted, because he’s been doing a very good job. He’s going to
become an Angel. For that, he will have to pass an exam very
soon.

The same day, the Angel-In-Chief (AIC), which is a friend of
his, comes to him and whispers, “Tomorrow, while you’ll be
mowing the lawn, Jesus will come and ask you three questions in
order for you to become an Angel. And I know the questions! I
can tell them to you!”

“Wow! Thanks AIC! What are these questions?” asks the gardener.

The first one is “What is the big boss’s name?” And the answer
is GOD. The second one is “Where do bad people go when they die?
” And the answer is hell. The last but not least “What is an
angel’s job?” And the answer is “To protect people on earth.”

“Thank you very much AIC!” says the gardener as he writes GOD,
HELL, and TO PROTECT PEOPLE on his lawn mower just in case he
forgets.

The next day, as predicted by AIC, Jesus come while the gardener
is mowing the lawn. “I will ask you three questions, says Jesus.
Here’s the first one. Good luck! What is the big boss’s name?”
The gardener looks at his lawn mower and says “Uh…. God!”
Good! Here’s the second one, “Where do bad people go when they
die?” asks Jesus. The gardener looks at his lawn mower and says
“Uh…. Hell!” Very good! Now the last, “What is an angel’s
job?” asks Jesus. The gardener looks at his lawn mower and says
“Uh…. To protect people!” Wow, very good! says Jesus, Here’s a
fourth one because you seem to know a lot! “Who were the first
two humans on the planet?”

The gardener looks at his lawn mower, completely panicked from
this question and suddenly says, “BLACK & DECKER!”

Two Rabbis and a priest go fishing. When the three are out on the water,
one Rabbi says, “Oops, I left the cooler in the trunk, I’d better go get
it or we won’t be able to eat or drink.”

The rabbi proceeds to jump out of the boat and hop across the water. A few
minutes later, he comes hopping back across the lake with the cooler.

The priest sees this and shakes his head in disbelief. He thinks to
himself “Theres only one person I know who can do that and I doubt he’s a
Rabbi.”

A couple of minutes later, the other Rabbi says, “Oh no, I left my lucky
fishing hat in the car. Nobody ever catches a fish unless I have that hat
on.” He then proceeds to get out of the boat and hop across the water to
the shore. A minute later he comes hopping across the lake back into the
boat.

Now the priest is in absolute disbelief. He thinks, “Hmm, there must be
something in the water. I’m going to try this.”

The priest says, “Uh-oh, I left my keys in the car. Wouldn’t want to lose
those.” He then steps out of the boat and falls in the water. He gets out
again and once again goes *splash*.

The two rabbis look at each other and one of them says, “Do you think we
should tell him where the stepping stones are?”

Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter
at the pearly gates. St. Pete says, “Ladies, you all led such
wonderful lives, that I’m granting you six months to go back to
Earth and be anyone you want.”

The first nun says, “I want to be Bo Derek,” and POOF she’s gone.

The second says, “I want to be Madonna,” and POOF she’s gone.

The third says, “I want to be Virginia Pepalini.”

St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.

“Virginia Pepalini.” replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry, that name just
doesn’t ring a bell.”

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to
St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing.

He hands it back to her and says, “No Sister, this says the
Virginia Pipeline was laid by 500 men in 7 days!”