Category: catholics

A man is driving down the highway on his way to a fast weekend
in Las Vegas when he sees a roadsign which states, “Sister Mary
of the Conception Whore House, 50 miles.” He pays the sign
little attention and continues to drive. 25 miles later he sees
a sign reading “Sister Mary of the Conception Whore House, 25
miles.” He begins to get interested in the validity of the ad
and when he sees “Sister Mary of the Conception Whore House,
NEXT EXIT” he has to check it out.

He pulls over and follows all signs and finds a quaint little
church. He walks in to find a nun sitting at a table with a cash
box. He mentions the ads that he had seen on the highway and she
tells him that they charge $50 for their services. He thinks the
price is steep but he figures that it is worth the money. The
nun leads him to a corridor with manby doors on either side and
instructs him to go through the last door on the left. He goes
through the door to find that he is back in the parking lot. He
is about to go back in screaming for his money when he sees a
small placard in the ground that reads, “You have just been
fucked by the Sisters Mary of the Conception!”

A man is sitting down in front of the fire place and is reading the Bible.
His wife comes in and looks down at him and says, “Why do you always sit
there and read that thing, what does it help?” He looks up at her and
says, “I read it because it has an answer and examples of everything.”

After giving her husband a weird look, she says, “In that case I want you
to find an example of where a woman had PMS in the Bible, and I’ll even
give you until tomorrow.” So, he goes along with the deal.

She comes back out the next day and says, “So, did you find it?” He slyly
smile and says, “Yeah, when Joseph was taking Mary to Bethlehem, she was
riding his ass the whole way there!”

As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of
26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather
peculiar Order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but
his Order also required that he quit golf and never play again.
This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and
was finally ordained a priest.

One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and
realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early
spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and
convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the
Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town
to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he
wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was
Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this
time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down
from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get
away with this, are you?”

The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.” Just then Father
Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It
WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked
at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?” The Lord
smiled and replied, “Who is he going to tell?”

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across
the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined,
they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase,
they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest
sprinkling water on their new car. It didn’t need a wash, so he
hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. “I’m
blessing it,” the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the
synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked
over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the
tailpipe.

Four nuns died simultaneously in a car crash and arrived at the
pearly gates. St. Peter asked the first nun, “Have you ever
touched a penis?” “Yes, father,” she replied, “I once touched a
man’s penis with the very tip of my finger.” “Swish that
offending finger in holy water,” St. Peter instructed, “say a
prayer begging forgiveness, and cross over into the promised
land.”

The second nun said, “Yes, father, I once touched a man’s penis
with my whole hand.” St. Peter instructed this second offending
girl to douse her entire hand in the holy water, say two prayers
begging mercy, and proceed to heaven.

As nun #3 approached, nun #4 shoved her aside, “Father,” she
shouted, “if you expect me to gargle with that crap AFTER she
dunks her ass in there, you’ve got another thing coming!”

One day God was looking down to earth and saw all the evil going on.

He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, he called
on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she
told God yes, it is bad on earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

Well, He thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male
angel, to get both points of view. So, God called a male angel and sent
him to earth for a time. When the male angel returned, he went to God and
told him yes, the earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.

God said this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5% that was good
and encourage them, something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that letter said?

Oh, so you didn’t get one either?

A mother was teaching her 3 year old daughter the Lord’s prayer. For
several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother.

One night she said she was ready to solo.

The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right
up to the end

“Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some E-mail,
Amen.”

A man died and arrived at the gates of heaven. He was assigned to a guide
to be given the grand tour.

They entered a huge building and started down a long hallway. Soon they
came to a big door. The man looked inside and saw a huge crowd of people
dancing, laughing and having a generally great time.

“Who are they?” He asked.

“Those are all the Protestants.” was the answer.

They continued down the long hallway and soon came to another, similar
door. It also was wide open and the man looked inside and saw a similar
sight. Crowds of people just having a wonderful time.

“Who are they?” He asked.

“Those are all the Jews.” was the reply.

They then continued down the long hallway and soon came to another,
similar door. This door, however, was closed. The guide said. “Shhh, we
have to pass this door very quietly.”

“Why?” Asked the man.

“Those are the Catholics. They think they’re the only ones here.”

A drunk walks into a church, and then into the confessional.

The preacher asks, “May I help you my brother?”

The drunk responds, “Yea, pass the toilet paper.”

A minister is sitting in the confession booth when an altar boy
comes up to him and says, “There’s an emergency and we need you
right away.” The minister goes up to the janitor who is standing
outside and asks him if he would listen to the confessions for
him. The janitor replies, “I’m not religious, I don’t know how
to do any of that stuff.” The minister says, “It’s ok, just
listen to what they say and look it up in this book and tell
them what it says.” The janitor agrees and sits down.

The first man comes in. “Father, I have sinned.” “What have you
done?” “I have beat my child.” The janitor looks it up in the
book, and says, “Three hail Marys.” “Thank you father.”

The next man comes in. “Father I have sinned.” “What have you
done?” “I have performed Oral Sex.” He looks it up. He can’t
find it under oral, so he looks up sex. It’s not there. He gets
nervous and says, “One minute.” He walks out of the booth and
goes over to an altar boy lighting some candles. He asks the
boy, “What does the Father usually give for oral sex?” The boy
looks up at him and says, “Two candy bars and a pat on the head.”

One day when all the people went home from church… or so the
pope thought that. he went to take a shower, at the church.He
took off all his clothes, and got in the shower, then he
realized he had no soap. he got out and also realized he had no
towel. he left the bathroom to get soap and a towel. well on his
way through the church,after he got the soap, the nuns just
came in. So the pope stood still, hoping that they would think
he was a statue.The first nun gasps and says “wow, what a peice
of art!” then the second one slaps his butt and the soap falls
out of his hand, the first nun says” wow his penis looks real!”
so she feels it. she gives it a hand job… then she says”wow a
soap dispenser AND a lotion dispenser!”

There once was this boy and he always got into trouble. One day
he and his mother were shopping and he saw this bicycle that he
fell in love with. He asked his mother if she would buy it for
him and she said that if he became a good boy that she would.

The boy then goes home and writes a letter to Jesus saying: Dear
Jesus, I really want this bicycle. If you let me have the
bicycle I will be a good boy for a whole year. The boy then
folds the letter and puts it in his pocket.

He goes outside for a walk and finds his dad taking in the
groceries. All of a sudden, his dad trips on the roller skate he
was supposed to put away. His dad starts to yell at him and the
boy goes back inside and crosses out the letter. He rewrites it
saying: Dear Jesus, if you let me have the bicycle that I really
want, I will be good for one month.

Then he walks into his sisters room and starts to doodle on some
note paper. When his sister comes home, she begins to yell at
him saying that the notepaper he was writing on was her report
that was due the next day. He tries to apologize but she
wouldn’t listen.

He goes goes into the kichen and rewrites the letter this time
saying: Dear Jesus, if I can have that bicycle I will be a good
boy for a day.

Right when he finishes the letter, his mother screams from the
other end of the house saying that he forgot to clean his room.
He had been too preoccupied with trying to be good that he had
forgotten.

He has lost hope. He tip-toes into his mother’s room and
carefully takes the statue of the Holy Mary off her drawer. He
wraps it in a towel and gently takes it into his room. He places
it in his bottom drawer and takes out the letter and rewrites it
for the last time saying: Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see
your mother again…