Category: catholics

One bright sunny Sunday morning Father Brown woke up and decided to
himself that he was just to lazy to perform mass, instead a nice relaxing
round of golf sounded better. so he called up his close friend Father
Smith and used the excuse of being too sick, so of course Father Smith
took over.Father Brown gathered his clubs and left for the golf course.

He got there and took pride in his scheme for the course was deserted
because everyone was at church, he was having a rather good game while St.
Peter was watching from above and he said to God, “Are you going to let
him get away with this”? God replied, “Why not.” Father Brown soon was
coming to the 9th hole, which was a very tricky hole, with a par of about
8. He teed off and watched himself make a hole in one. St.Peter was very
disappointed so he turned to God once again and said, “Are you going to
let him get away with that”? And God replied, “Who is he going to tell?”

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able
to give their elderly mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.” The second
said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled
and said, “I’ve got you both beat. Remember how mom enjoyed
reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. I sent
her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took
elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind.
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot
recites it.”

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks. “Milton,”
she wrote one son, “the house you built is so huge. I live in
only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay
most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the
driver is so rude!”

“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “you have the good
sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.”

What did the girl say to moses when they were in the desert for
40 years and she tried to have sex with him?

Oh, Moses…..your dick is scraching my pussy! You took a sand
bath agian?

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed
out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around
with other women,” she charged.

“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on
earth.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by
someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. “What do you think you’re
doing?” Adam demanded.

“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

Q:what is greater than god, more evil than the devil, the poor
have it, the rich need it, and if you eat it you’ll die?

A: nuthing dumbass!!!!!

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her
business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she
always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One
time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he
gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After awhile he turned to her and asked “You don’t really believe all that
stuff in there do you?”

The lady replied “Of course I do. It is the Bible.”

He said “Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?

She replied “Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.

He asked “Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the
whale?”

The lady said “Well I don’t really know. I guess when I get to heaven I
will ask him.”

“What if he isn’t in heaven?” the man asked sarcastically.

“Then you can ask him.” replied the lady.

One late evening while the family was at church, a man was breaking into
their home, he went into the bedroom stealing everything he could get his
hands on. As soon as he entered the living room he heard a voice “God is
going to get you!” “God is going to get you!” He pulled out his flashlight
and shined it on this big bird. Well the man did not pay any mind to the
bird and kept on loading up his bag.

He was loading that bag from left to right. Again he heard that voice “God
is going to get you!” “God is going to get you!” He walked over to the
cage and told the bird to shut up! As soon as he put his hand on the door
knob of the backdoor he heard a different noise. It was not the bird but a
growing sort of noise, He shined the flashlight up and saw this GREAT BIG
DOG! And the bird yelled “GET HIM GOD!”

One day a guy died and went to heaven. He was curious about how
God lived and said, “God, how much is a millenium to you?” God
said, “One second.” “The man said, “God, how much is
$1,000,000,000 to you?” God said, “One penny.” The guy thought
for a minute and said, “God, can I have a penny?” God said,
“One second.”

One day a woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death
experience. She saw God and asked, “Is this it?” God said, “No,
you have another 30 to 40 years to live.”

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have
collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and
breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She
figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well
make the most of it.

She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation
and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She
arrived in front of God and said, “I thought you said I had
another 30 to 40 years?”

God replied, “Sorry, I didn’t recognize you!”

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and
approached them. “What’s going on here, anyway?” he asked.

“This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we
should stone her!” one of the crowd responded.

“Wait,” yelled Jesus, “Let he who is without sin cast the first
stone.”

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked
the woman on the side of her head.

“Aw, c’mon, Dad…,” Jesus cried, “I’m trying to make a point
here!”

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but he never met my sister. Yours
sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good
boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete- Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a
sermon about something. Robert, Age 11, Anderson

Dear Pastor, I’m sorry I can’t leave more money in the plate, but my
father didn’t give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon
about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty.Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church
every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my
brother won’t be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you
moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9, Tacoma

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more
important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely,
Eleanor Age 12, Sarasota

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to
California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven someday but later than sooner. Love,
Ellen Age 9, Athens

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God’s
help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I
don’t think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.
Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely,
Christopher Age 9, Titusville

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my
class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was
finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you
tell him or does he read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie Age
9, Lewiston

A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears
horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside. She
asks St. Peter, “What’s going on?”

He says, “That’s the sound of new angels getting big holes
drilled into their backs for their wings, and small hole drilled
into their heads for their halos.”

She says, “Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I’d rather go
to Hell.”

St. Peter says, “In Hell, you’ll be constantly raped and
sodomized.”

She says, “That’s okay. I’ve already got holes for that.”