Category: catholics

It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath, the older nun
which normally assisted in this task was a little under the
weathers so she instructed Sister Magdalene, a young nun on how
to prepare the bath water and towels. Sister Magdalene was also
instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could
help it, do whatever she’s told to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asks the sister how the bath had
gone. “Oh sister,” said the young nun dreamily, “I’ve been
saved!”

“Saved? How did that come about?” asked the old nun.

“Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to
wash him. And while I was washing him, he guided my hand down
between his legs where he said the lord keeps the key to
heaven.”

“Did he now–” the old nun said.

Sister Magdalene continued, “And, Father John said that if the
key to heaven fit my lock, the portals of heaven would open to
me, and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And
then Father John guided his key to heaven into my lock.”

“Is that a fact?” said the old nun.

“At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said that the
pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God
would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so
good being saved.”

“That wicked old devil!” said the old nun, “He told me it was
Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it these past forty years!”

A guy dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter isues him a white robe,
a harp, and his very own cloud to float around on. The guy
thinks this is great. One day he sees another cloud float by.
The guy on that cloud has a gorgeous, naked woman and a keg of
beer with him. The guy finds St. Peter and complains to him.
“How come this guy gets a gorgeous babe and keg of beer, when
all I got is this white robe and a lousy harp? St. Peter says,
“I know just who you’re talking about. He’s being punished.” The
guy can’t beleive what he’s hearing. “How can that be?” He asks.
“Well,” says St. Peter, “The keg has a hole in it, and the girl
doesn’t.”

A man walks in to Joe’s Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As
he snips away, Joe asks, “What’s up?” The man explains he’s
taking a vacation to Rome.

“ROME?!” Joe says, “Why would you want to go there? It’s a
crowded dirty city! You’d be crazy to go to Rome. So how ya
getting there?”

“We’re taking TWA,” the man replies. “TWA?!” yells Joe. “They’re
a terrible airline. Their planes are old, the food is terrible
and they’re always late! So where you staying in Rome?”

The man says, “We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump?” says Joe. “That’s the worst hotel in the city! The
rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they’re
overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?”

The man says “We’re going to go see the Vatican and hope to see
the Pope.” “Ha! That’s rich!” laughs Joe. “You and a million
other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on the trip. You’re going to need it!”

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe
says, “well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave
you the worst flight of your life!”

“No, quite the opposite” explained the man. “Not only were we on
time in one of their brand-new planes, but it was full and they
bumped us up to first class.”

“Hmmm,” Joe says, “Well, I bet the hotel was just like I
described.”

“No, quite the opposite! They’d just finished a $25 million
remodeling. It’s the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential
suite for no extra charge!”

“Well,” Joe mumbles, “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope!”

“Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope
likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so
kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would
personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope
walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he
spoke a few words to me.”

Impressed, Joe asks, “Tell me, please! What’d he say?”

“Oh, not much really. Just ‘Where’d you get that awful haircut?'”

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses
pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in
the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly
Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the
other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one
directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the
center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus
casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the
green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed
out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street.
It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it
bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into
the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and
straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond,
the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily
pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog
jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth.
Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew
away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with
fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup
for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, “I hate playing with your Dad.”

There were four Catholic mothers who were bragging about their
sons.

The first mother says, “My son he is a priest. When he walks in
a room people go ‘Good morning Father.'”

The second mother says, “Oh really? My son is a bishop. When he
walks into a room people say, ‘Hello Grace.'”

The third mother says, “Yeah well, my son is a cardinal. When he
walks in a room people say, ‘Good morning your imminence.'”

Now by this time the fourth mother has had it up to her eyebrows
with the other mothers bragging about their sons. So she says,
“Well, that’s really nice but my son is 6’2 tall, dark, and
handsome. When he walks into the room people go, ‘Oh My God!'”

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has
gone bust and he’s in serious financial trouble. He’s so
desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to
pray…

“God, please help me, I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get
some money, I’m going to lose my house as well, please let me
win the lotto”.

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays…

“God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my
house and I’m going to lose my car as well”.

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays…

“My God, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my
house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don’t
often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to
you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get
my life back in order … “

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open
and Joe is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:

“Joe, meet me half way on this one…Buy a ticket!”

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were
excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble
and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their
town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been
successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would
speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them
individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the
morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the
afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger
boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”.

They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting
there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman
repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God!!?”
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised
his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and
bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his
older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG
trouble this time, dude. God is missing – and they think WE did
it!”

One day Little Jimmy came home from pray school with a black eye.
His dad says what did I tell you about fighting with the school
boys.
Little Jimmy siad but I didn’t get in to a fight. Dad says”well
then tell me your story.” Well today after pray Miss. Richland
stund up and her dress was in the crack of her but. So I pulled
it out. And she turned around and punched me in the eye. Don’t
do that just leave it alone. Ladies don’t like that. The next
day Little Jimmy had another black eye. He knew what his dad
would say so he told him his story. Today after pray Miss.
Richland stund up and her dress was in the crack of her butt. So
Little Timmy pulled it out. I knew she did not like that so I
pushed it back in.

– Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests

– See if a yawn really is contagious

– Slap your neighbour. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise
your hand and tell the bishop

– Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs

– Listen for the speakers to use a word beginning with ‘A’ then ‘B and so
on through the alphabet.

– Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead
of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble
that made it to the front

– Using church notice-sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design,
test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.

– Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the
front, under the pews, without being noticed.

– Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory.

– Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your
nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favourite hymn.

– If the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.

– Pretend to be 4 years old

– Try to indicate to the bishop that his fly is undone

– By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt
inside out.

– Try to raise one eyebrow

– Crack your knuckles

– Think about your chin for an entire minute

– Twiddle your thumbs

– Twiddle your neighbours thumbs

– Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice

– Practice smiling insincerely

Col. Sanders goes up to the pope and says to him, “Hey, could
you change the lord’s prayer from ‘give us this day, our daily
bread’ to ‘give us this day, our daily chicken’?” The pope says
“What are you talking about? I’m not going to do that!” So Col.
Sanders leaves.

The next day Col. Sanders comes back to the pope and says
“Ok, I’ll give you $100 if you change the lord’s prayer from
‘give us this day, our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day, our
daily chicken’. What do ya say?” “No way! For the last time, I’m
not going to change it!” So once again Col. Sanders leaves.

The next day Col. Sanders comes back and says to the pope,
“Alright, I will give you $1,000,000 if you change the lord’s
prayer from ‘give us this day, our daily bread’ to ‘ give us
this day, our daily chicken’!” So the pope says, “Well, for
$1,000,000 I guess…alright, I’ll change it.”

The pope goes to his bishops and says “I have good news and I
have bad news. The good news is, we just got $1,000,000. The bad
news is, we lost the wonder bread account.”

All of the different religions have varying methods of
determining how much money is given to God and how much they
keep. The Baptists draw a circle on the ground and throw the
money into the air. All of the money that falls in the circle
goes to God and the money outside the circle is kept by the
people. The Methodists also use this method except that they
draw a triangle on the ground instead of a circle. The Catholics
also use this method. But when they throw the money, God keeps
what he wants and they keep what comes down.

Three guys were introduced to a girl.The first said hi im peter
not a saint the second then said hi im paul not the pope.The
third then said hi im john not the baptist.The girl nodded at
them and smiled and said im mary not a virgin.