Category: catholics

There was a guy walking in the woods one night. As he walked further he
fell off the side of a cliff and just as he fell, he reached and grab a
tree branch.

He thought for sure he was going to die, but he remember learning as a
child: when you’re in trouble call on God.

So he called up to Heaven, “Lord are you up there?”

A few seconds go by and not a word from heaven.

The man calls again, “Lord are you up there?” And again the lord did not
response.

This time the man made a promise to God, “if you are there I will serve
you if you help me.”

The Lord responded and said, “my son do you trust me?”

“Yes,” replied the man.

The Lord ask him again, “my son do you trust me”?

“Yes I do”, replied the man.

God said, “let the branch go.”

A few seconds of silence go by, and the man yelled, “is there anybody else
up there?”

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have
a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to
say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

They say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”

“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a
moment. “You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your
problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to
pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my
house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My
parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying…that phrase…in no time.”

“Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the
solution.” The next day, she brought her female parrots to the
priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male
parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and
praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in
with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in
unison: “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
There was stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
and exclaimed, “Put the fucking beads away, Francis, our prayers
have been answered!”

There is a rabbi, a priest, and the prophet of the LDS church in
a boat. Jesus is standing on the water, and beckons them. The
rabbi stepped off the boat, and slipped and drowned. The priest
stood up and walked over to Jesus. Then the prophet stood up
and walked over to Jesus. Then, the priest turns to the prophet
and said, “So, you saw the steeping stones?” And the prophet
said, “What stepping stones?”

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden
because men hate to ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the
TV remote. (Men don’t want to see what’s on television, they
want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his
wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor’s appointment
for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was
garbage night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would
never be able to handle childbearing.

4. As “Keeper of the Garden,” Adam would never remember where he
put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed
someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in
the garden.

2. As the Bible says, “It is not good for man to be alone!”

And the number one reason God created Eve…

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
scratched His head and said, “I can do better than that”.

Jonny came home happily liking a big ice cream cone. “Where did
you get that?” His mother said.

“I bought it with the $1.00 you gave me.” He replied.

“That money was for Sunday School.” Said his mother.

“I know,” said Jonny, “but the minister met me at the door and
got me in for free.”

Little Jimmy was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a
meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he
pondered their shape.

Soon, he began to think about God. “God? Are you really there?”
Jimmy said out loud.

To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. “Yes, Jimmy?
What can I do for you?” Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked,
“God? What is a million years like to you?”

Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity,
God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate, “A
million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute.”

“Oh,” said Jimmy. “Well, then, what’s a million dollars like to
you?”

“A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny.”

“Wow!” remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. “You’re so
generous…can I have one of your pennies?”

God replied, “Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute.”

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple
of strokes. The golfer says to himself: “I’d give anything to sink this
next putt.”

A stranger walks up to him and whispers: “Would you give up a fourth of
your sex life?” The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer
will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put
him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, “OK.”
And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself: “Boy, if I could only get an eagle
on this hole.” The same stranger moves to his side and says, “Would it be
worth another fourth of your sex life?” The golfer shrugs and says,
“Sure.” And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though
he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, “Would you be
willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?”

The golfer says, “Certainly.” And makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to
the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, “You know, I’ve
really not been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m the
devil, and from now on you will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” says the golfer. “My name’s Father O’Malley.”

The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that
the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to
consider donating a little more than usual into the offering
plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick
out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the
pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000
bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared
his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally
thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the
back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the
front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how
wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her
to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over
the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the
church and said, “I’ll take him, him and him.”

One day, Pastor Fuzz is walking down the street, when he passes
by the local pub and sees a church employee inside drinking. He
thinks this is a sinful thing to do, so he goes inside to stop
her.

He walks right up to her and says, “You shouldn’t be drinking in
some nasty bar, Ms. Fitzgerald. Let me take you home.” She says,
“Okay” in a sort of slurred voice, obviously having a little too
much to drink. So Pastor Fuzz takes her hand and is taking her
out of the bar, when they loose balance and land on top of each
other, her skirt lifts up. The barkeep yells, “Hey! No carrying
on like that in here!”

The Pastor says, “You don’t understand! I’m Pastor Fuzz!” and
the barkeep says, “Since you’re that far, you might as well
finish what you started!”

One day there was a hippie who got on a bus. The bus was very
crowded and the man took a seat next to a young nun. He was very
attracted to the nun, because she was surprisingly beautiful.
After getting his courage up, he finally said to the nun “Will
you have sex with me?” The nun, disgusted, told the bus driver
to stop the bus and she got off. The man was very disappointed
and he moved up to the front of the bus to wait for his stop.
Seeing that the young hippie was upset, the bus driver decided
to help him out. He said to the young man, “I know that nun.
Every night, she goes to the grave yard at 9:00 to pray at the
grave of her friend. If you go there and pretend that you are
Jesus, there is no way she would turn down God’s request. Just
tell her that you are Jesus and ask her to have sex with you.”
This gave the hippie great hope.

That night, he went to the graveyard, and sure enough, there was
the nun. As she kneeled down, he decided to make his move. He
walked over to her, dressed in a white robe with a hood and said
to the nun “I am Jesus Christ, will you have sex with me?” Now,
of course the nun could not deny the power of God, so she
agreed. “I just have one request,” said the nun, “it has to be
anal sex, so I can remain a virgin and continue in my
sisterhood.” The disguised hippie agreed and the two had sex.

When they were done, the man thought that it would be funny to
reveal his identity to the nun. He took off his robe, revealing
a tye dyed shirt, ripped jeans, and hemp nacklaces. “HA HA!! I’m
not Jesus, I’m the hippie!” He exclaimed.

Much to the young man’s surprise, the nun took off her habit,
revealing a gray shirt and gray pants. Laughing, she yelled “HA
HA! I’m not the nun, I’m the bus driver!”

Picture it: rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed. The
devil decides to pay a visit. The doors burst open, and a
roiling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People
jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming – all except
for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer.

Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says,
“You! I can understand why you didn’t run away, you are in your
Lord’s house, you preach against me everyday and you aren’t
afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn’t you run
out scared like everyone else?”

The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, “Why, I’m
surprised you don’t recognize me…I’ve been married to your
sister for 36 years!”

One day a lady asked her husband if she could get a face transplant. The
husband said, “Why do you want to get a face transplant? You’re 65. You’re
going to die soon.” She said I talked with god today, he said I’m going to
live until one hundred. So she got the transplant. Three days later she
got ran over by a bus and was killed. When she was at the gates of heaven,
she said to god, “I thought I was going to live until one hundred?” God
said, “I know, but I didn’t recognize you!”