Category: catholics

A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St.
Peter says to the guy, “I can’t see that you did anything really
good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell
you what, if you can tell me one really good deed that you did,
you’re in.”

So the guy says, “Once I was driving down the road and saw a
gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got
out my car, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the
gang’s leader–a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket,
bald head but with hair all over his body, and a chain running
from his nose to his ear.

Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and
smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned
around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them,
‘You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You’re all a bunch of
sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson
in pain!'”

Impressed, St. Peter says, “Really? I can’t seem to find this in
your file. When did this happen?” “Oh, about two minutes ago.”

A member of the paparazzi is looking in the window of the Pope
one morning and snaps a picture of him masturbating. As the
flash goes off, the Pope sees him and runs after him.

The Pope catches up to the guy and tells him that he can’t sell
that picture. The guy explains to the Pope this is how he makes
his living. The Pope suggests a solution, telling him to sell
the camera to him with the film still in it for the sum of five
thousand dollars. The photographer agrees.

The Pope, relaxed that his problem is solved, walks back to his
room with the camera around his neck. On the way back he crosses
paths with two cardinals. They remark about his new camera and
one of them asked him how much he paid for it. The Pope replies
five thousands dollars and the two cardinals and the Pope go on
their way. When out of earshot from the Pope, one of the
cardinals says to the other, “Whoever sold the Pope that camera
had to see him coming.”

The Pope, Billy Graham and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash
over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the Pearly
Gates together.

“Oh, this is terrible,” exclaimed St. Peter, “I know you guys think we
summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen.
We were going to help all of you land once you got to where you were
going.” St. Peter was fretting, “Your quarters just aren’t ready. We can’t
take you in just yet and we can’t send you back.”

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, “Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey,
I’ve got these three guys up here. They’re ours, but we weren’t expecting
them. We gotta fix the place up for ’em. I was hoping you could put them
up for a while. It’ll only be for a couple of days. I’ll owe you one.”

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

Two days later, Lucifer called St. Pete. “Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey, you
gotta come get these three clowns.” “What’s wrong?” Asked St. Peter.
“Well, this Pope guy is forgiving everybody. The Graham fellow is saving
everybody. And Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air
conditioning.”

A little girl and her mother were in church when the girl
started to feel ill.

“Mommy, can we leave now?” asked the girl.

“No.” replied Mom.

“I think I’m gonna throw up.”

“Well go out the front door, walk around the back of the church
and throw up behind a bush.”

A few moments later the girl returned to her seat.

“Did you throw up?” asked Mom.

“Yes.”

“How could you have gone all the way around the church, throw up
and be back here so soon?”

“I didn’t even have to go outside. They have a box right by the
front door that says ‘For the Sick’.”

Once there was a Catholic church that recently got itself a new
priest. This priest was fixed on bringing young people to the
church. One day the older priest said down the younger one and
said, “You have done much good for our church! When you
suggested we get bucket seats instead of pews, the teenage
population of our church really went up!” The young priest
smiled smugly.

Then he continued, “And when you decided to bring in rock gospel
groups instead of a choir, the teenage population went up
further.” He smiles again.

“But the thing I’m not sure about is the drive-in confessional.
I mean, the whole idea is fine, but I’m concerned about the neon
sign in front. We might need to change that.” The other guy
frowned. “Well, what’s wrong with it, father?” “I just don’t
think that ‘Toot and Tell or go to Hell is such a nice gesture!”

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go
out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to
his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of
the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and
protect you.” The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked,
“Are you sure he’s out there?”

“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when
you need him,” she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute
and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into
the darkness, he called,

“Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to
make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he
crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a
confessional.

A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress and figuring the
fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the
confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthily silence.

Finally he asked, “May I help you, my son?”

“I duuno,” came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. “You got any
toilet paper on your side?”

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the
little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”

The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say
the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to
‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper.'”

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his
father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have
to whisper.”

The father looked at him and said, “Okay, why don’t you whisper
in my ear.”

Three men went up to heaven to meet with St. Peter, but upon
arival, they are told that only 33% of the people trying to get
into heaven were being allowed because heaven was getting
overpopulated. To decide who of the three got in, St. Peter went
to the first man and asked him, “If you were to have anybody say
anything at your funeral, what would it be?”

“I would have somebody say, ‘He was a great doctor and a great
man. He was deticated to his work yet he always had time to be a
great family man. He helped the community and everybody in it in
many ways. We are all better people because he exsisted.'” “That
is very nice,” said St. Peter.

He went to the second person and asked the same question. “I
would have somebody say, ‘He was a great lawyer who upheld the
constitution and fought for what was right. He was the kindest
man alive who always thought about others before himself. He
cared for his family as well as everybody else around him, and
his death is a great loss to all.” “That is very, very nice,”
said St. Peter.

He went on to the third person and asked him the same question.
“I would have somebody say, ‘LOOK, HE’S MOVING!'” The third
person was the only one who got in.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were sitting around discussing the
pigeon problem. Each house of worship was being over run with pigeons on
the roofs. The minister said “I tried to shoot them off, but they’d just
circle around and come back. The only damage it did was to put holes in my
roof.”

The rabbi said, “I tried to smoke the pigeons off my roof, but all that
happened was the roof caught fire.”

The priest then told the others that he managed to get rid of the birds.
The others were amazed and asked what his secret was. “Well,” he said, “I
just baptized them, confirmed them, and I haven’t seen them since.”

Some new billboards are getting some attention in Dallas. Some
reported seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them.
Here is a list of all variations of the “God Speaks” billboards. The
billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine
print or sponsoring organization is included.

Let’s meet at my house Sunday before the game.
-God

C’mon over and bring the kids.
-God

What part of “Thou Shalt Not…” didn’t you understand?
-God

Keep using my name in vain, I’ll make rush hour longer.
-God

Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
-God

That “Love Thy Neighbor” thing… I meant it.
-God

Will the road you’re on get you to my place?
-God

Big bang theory, you’ve got to be kidding.
-God

Need directions?
-God

You think it’s hot here?
-God

Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test.
-God

Do you have any idea where you’re going?
-God

Don’t make me come down there.
-God

At church one Sunday during alter prayer, this little boy started acting
up. His mother told him to quiet down. The little boy continued to act
out. So the mother picked up the child and was heading for the back doors
when the child screamed out, “PRAY FOR ME, PLEASE!”