Category: catholics

The head nun walks into the room and announces” I believe
there was a man in here last night”
99 nuns go huh and one goes hehe
“We found his underwear”she states
99 nuns go huh and 1 goes hehe
“we also found a condom”she explains
99 nuns go huh and 1 goes hehe
“That condom had a hole in it”she told
99 nuns go hehe and 1 goes huh

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. “I used some
horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about
it.” “When did you use this awful language?” asks the elder.
“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked
like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone
line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to
the ground after going only about 10 yards.” “Is that when you
swore?” “No, Mother,” says the nun. “After that, a squirrel ran
out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to
run away.” “Is THAT when you swore?” asks the Mother Superior
again. “Well, no.” says the nun. “You see, as the squirrel was
running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel
in his talons and began to fly away!” “Is THAT when you swore?”
asks the amazed elder nun. “No, not yet. As the eagle carried
the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the
squirrel dropped my ball.” “Did you swear THEN?” asked Mother
Superior, becoming impatient. “No, because the ball fell on a
big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and
stopped about six inches from the hole.” The two nuns were
silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, “You
missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”

Three guys died; when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter
met them and said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because
you’re here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you
something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get.
You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big!”

The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, “How long
were you married?”

The first guy says, “24 years.”

“Did you ever cheat on your wife?” Peter asked.

The guy said, “Yeah, 7 times, but you said I was forgiven.”

Peter said, “Yeah, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto to
drive.”

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter
and says, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once,
but that was our first year, so we really worked it out.”

Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that; here’s your Lincoln.”

The third guy walked up and said, “Peter, I know what you’re
going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at
another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!”

Peter said, “That’s what I like to hear. Here’s a Jaguar!”

A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the
Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk,
so they went to see what was the matter.

When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said,
“I just saw my wife; she was on a skateboard!”

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his
students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because
of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make
sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long
time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, “Where is
Jesus today?”

Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.”

Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know!
I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!”

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and
waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for
a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked
Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, “Well…every morning, my father gets
up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you
still in there?!'”

Once there was an explorer lost in the deepest part of the Amazon. After a
few days, he finds himself suddenly surrounded by hundreds of
blood-thirsty natives. He looks up to the sky and says, “Oh my God, I’m
screwed!!” All of a sudden, the sky opens up, and then there is a beam of
light streaming down on him, and a voice booms out, “No, you are NOT
screwed. Pick up that stone at your foot, and smash it onto the skull of
the chief.” So the explorer looks down, and sees the stone. He picks it
up, and bash the life out of the cheif, who is standing right in front of
him. And he stands on the chief, triumphant, puffing and puffing, with the
bloody stone in his hand. And the chief is down on the ground, bleeding
and lifeless, with his tribesmen in shock and disbelief. Now, the sky
opens up once again, and the voice booms out… “NOW, you’re screwed.”

There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who
led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the
entire world, Catholic or not.

As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted
him in a firm embrace. “Welcome your holiness, your dedication and
unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you
great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and
are granted free access to all parts of heaven.”

“You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion
meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior
appointment.”

“Is there anything which your holiness desires?”

“Well, yes,” the Pope replied. “I have often pondered some of the
mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages.
Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations
between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually
said, with-out the dimming of memories over time.”

Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and
explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and
settled down to review the history of man’s relationship with God.

Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library.
Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they
found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over
and over, “There’s an ‘R’, there’s an ‘R’–it’s celibRate, not celibate!”

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had
two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to
split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of
the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while
urinating.

“It’s a very handy thing”, God told the couple, “I was wondering
if either one of you wanted that very ability.”

Adam jumped up and blurted, “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be
able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh
please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It’d be
so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals,
I could just stand there and let it fly. It’d be so cool, I
could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who
you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please…”

On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve
just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so
badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing
that would make him happy and she really wouldn’t mind if Adam
were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical
position. He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the
bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the
while.

“Fine,” God said looking back into his bag of leftovers. “What’s
left here? Oh yes, brains….”

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The
monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on
the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He
proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after
mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10.We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take
this and eat it, for it is my body”, he did not say, “Eat me.”

12.The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, “Mary with the
Cherry”.

13.The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-dub-dub,
thanks for the grub, yeah God”. and finally…

14.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at
St.Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that
the Pope was on the same flight.

“This is exciting,” thought the gentleman. I’ve always been a big
fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next
to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak
to the Pontiff.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This
is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I’m really good at
crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for
assistance.

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said,
“Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a
woman that ends in ‘u-n-t’?”

Only one word leapt to mind…my goodness, thought the gentleman,
I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman
thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope,
the gentleman said, “I think you’re looking for the word ‘aunt’.”

“Of course,” said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a
very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the
street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too
high for him to reach.

After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest moves
closer to the boy’s position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little
fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder,
leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles
benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?” To which
the boy replies, “Now we run!”

A bus driver and a priest died and were standing at the door of
heaven. Peter looked at the bus driver and said, “Well done,
good and faithful servant. Enter and go live forever in that
large mansion overlooking the valley.”

The priest, thought to himself, “Boy, if he gets that, what am I
going to get?” Peter then turned to him and said, “Well done,
enter and go live forever in that small cottage at the bottom of
the valley.”

The priest then set foot down the valley feeling humbled and not
a little jealous. He then turned round and shouted to Peter,
“Hey, how come he, a bus driver, got a beautiful mansion and me,
a priest, only got a dinky little cottage at the bottom of the
valley?”

“Well, my son,” Peter replied, “When you preached, folks fell
asleep, but when he drove a bus, folks prayed!”

A drunken man staggers into a catholic church and sits down in a
confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract
his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on
the wall three times in a final atempt to get the man to speak, and
finnally the drunk replies – “No use knockin’ mate – there’s no paper in
this one either”.