Category: catholics

Once there was a Sunday School teacher who taught a 8th grade class. One
day, at the end of a class, he told the students, “Next Sunday I will
teach about the sin of lying. To help you understand, I want you to read
all of Mark 17.” Then he dismissed the class. The next Sunday, he asked
“Okay, before I start my lesson, I want to know who read Mark 17.”
Everyone raised their hand. He replied, “Mark only has 16 chapters. Now I
shall continue with my lesson………….”

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the
last instruction of Mother Superior is that they must not get
even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about
this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the
room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the
middle of the project comes a knock at the door. “Who is it?”,
calls one of the nuns. “Blind man”, replies a voice from the
other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and
shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind
man into the room, they open the door. “Nice tits,” says the
man, “Where do you want these blinds?”

Once a man walked in to the ladies department of Macy’s one day.
Shyly, he went to the woman at the front desk. “Um,” he said, “I
need a bra for my wife.” The woman responded, “Which type?” With
this, the man was confused. “There is more than one type?” “Yes,
why don’t you look around.” He looked and looked, but didn’t
know how to choose. So he went back up to the front desk, “How
many types are there?” “Four.” she responed. The man was still
confused. Noticing this the lady told him, “The types are
Catholic, Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist
type.” “What is the differance?” “Well, the Catholic type holds
up the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts what’s fallen, the
Presbyterian type keeps the staunch and upright, and the Baptist
type makes a mountain out of a mole-hill.”

One evening, a young woman came home from a date rather sad. She
told her mother, “Anthony proposed to me an hour ago.” “Then why
are you so sad?” her mother asked.

“Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even
believe there’s a Devil.” Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway.
Between the two of us, we’ll show him just how wrong he is.”

A Nun and a priest were crossing the desert on a camel. On the
third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed
their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest
spoke. “Well sister this looks pretty grim.” “I know father.”
The nun answered, “In fact,” said the priest, “I don’t think it
will be likely that we can survive more than a day or two” “I
agree.” said the nun. “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
out of here alive would you do something for me?” “Anything
father.” “I’ve never seen a women’s breast before, would you
show me yours?” “Well under the circumstances I don’t see it
being a problem.”

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her
shapely breast. “Father, could I ask something of you?” “Yes
sister,” “I have never seen a man’s penis, could I see yours?”
“I supposed that would be OK,” the priest replied and lifted his
robe. “Oh father may I touch it?” This the priest allowed and
soon sported a huge erection. “Sister, you know if I put this in
the right place it can give life?” “Is that true father?” “Yes
it is sister.” “Then stick it up the camels arse, and lets get
the fuck out of here….”

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring
up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It
was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on
either side of it.

The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time,
so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly,
“Good morning Alex.”

“Good morning pastor,” replied the young man, still focused on
the plaque. “Pastor McGhee, what is this?” Alex asked.

“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who
died in the service.”

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex’s voice was barely audible when he asked, “Which
service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?

Three pastors and their wives were car-pooling their way back from a
revival when suddenly their van slid off the side of a cliff. Sadly, they
were all killed.

At the Pearly Gates, Peter called the first couple forward. Looking
through his book, Peter looked up at the first preacher sharply, “You
hypocrit!” he boomed, “All you ever cared about in your life was money!
Money is evil, money won’t buy you happiness! Yet you’ve hoarded money all
your life! You were the wealthiest person in your whole community. In
fact, you were so consumed with money that you married a woman named
Penny, isn’t that so?” he demanded.

Obviously shaken, the preacher meekly responded, “Y-yes, Sir, That’s
true.” “Well, you did preach the gospel, so I won’t send you off to
you-know-where, but you don’t get to come in the front gate. You have to
walk all the way around heaven and enter in the back door. Off you go!”
And the couple went shamefully on their way.

St. Peter leered at the next pastor, “And you!” Peter hissed. “All you
ever talked and cared about was Alcohol! The bottle this and the bottle
that. Yet, you’ve been drunk nearly every time you preached. In fact, you
were so consumed with alcohol and drinking that you married a woman named
Brandy, is that so!?” he accused. The pastor only nodded in shame. “Well,
but you preached a powerful sermon — despite being drunk — so no hell
for you either. But you don’t get to come in the front gate either. You
have to walk all the way around heaven and enter in the back door.” And
the couple slowly shuffled off.

“And you!” St. Peter began.The third Pastor held up his hand to silence
St. Peter and turned to his wife and said, “We’d better start walkin’,
Fanny.”

There were three Preachers on a lake and in a boat. The first preacher
said “I believe, I believe” and then he walked across the water and walked
back.

The second preacher got up and said “I believe, I believe” and walked
across the water and walked back.

Then the third preacher got up and said “I believe, I believe” and got up
to walk across the water and he fell and almost drowned. Then the other
two preachers said to each other, “Do you think we should have told him
where the rocks were?”

In an ancient monastery in a far away place, a new monk arrived to join
his brothers in copying books and scrolls in the monastery’s scriptorium.
He was assigned to be a rubricator on copies of books that had already
been copied by hand.

One day, he asked Father Florian (the head of the scriptorium), “Does not
the copying by hand of other copies allow for error? How do we know we are
not copying the mistakes of someone else? Are they ever checked against he
original?” Fr. Florian was taken aback by the observation of this youthful
monk. “A very good point, my son. I will take one of the latest books down
to the vault and compare it against the original.” Fr. Florian went down
to the vault and began his verification.

After a day had passed, the monks began to worry and went down looking for
the old priest. They were sure something must have happened. As they
approached the vault, they heard crying. When they opened the door, they
found Fr. Florian sobbing over the new copy and the original ancient book,
both of which were opened before him on the table. It was obvious to all
that the poor man had been crying his heart out for a long time.

“What is the problem, Reverend Father?” asked one of the monks. “Oh, my
Lord,” sobbed the priest, “the word is ‘celebrate’.”

A young nun joined a church to serve God. She was very religious
and very good. It all happened one day, she suddenly had this
desire to have sex. She knew it’s wrong but she couldn’t help
it. Confused, she consulted with an elder nun for solution.

The old nun handed her a gun and said, “My young one, in this
sort of situation, you can go somewhere, where nobody can find
you, and fire a blank shot from the gun. It’ll ease your desire.”

The Young Nun didn’t believe it, but she thought, what could be
worse? So she found herself a place and shot the gun.
Mysteriously, the desire had vanished. The young nun thanked the
Old nun.

Days after days, week after weeks, the desire started to grow
stronger and stronger. The young nun started to fire the gun
more and more. She couldn’t help it. Disturbed, she wondered why
the old nun seemed to have no sexual desire or whatsoever. She
decided to investigate.

One afternoon after lunch, the young nun followed the old nun
until she went back to her room. After hours of waiting, the old
nun came out with a huge backpack, sneaking out the church. The
curious young nun followed her.

The old nun stopped at the tip of the hill behind the church.
The young nun hid behind a bush and observed. To her horror, the
old nun grabbed two assault rifles from the pack, and started
firing, with a grenade launcher ready at hand.

A man liked to sleep frequently in church, so the pastor devised a plan.
During one service the pastor asked his congregation while the man was
sleeping, “All who want to go to heaven, please rise.” Everyone stood up
except the sleeper.

Then, at the top of his voice, he bellowed, “ALL WHO WISH TO GO TO HELL,
STAND UP NOW!” Only the sleeper stood up.

The sleeper looked around and said, “I don’t know what we’re voting on,
Reverend, but it looks like you and me are the only ones for it.”

Three blondes died in an accident trying to jump the
Grand Canyon. They are at the pearly gates of
Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the
gates only if they can answer one simple question. The
question posed by St. Peter is – “What is Easter”?

The first blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the
holiday in November when we all get together, eat
turkey and are thankful.”

“Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I’m afraid. You
must go to the other place!” replies St. Peter. Then
he turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same
question – “What is Easter?”

The second blonde replies, “Easter is the holiday in
December when we put up a nice tree, exchange
presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head
on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she’s
wrong and will have to join her friend in the other
place, she is not welcome in Heaven.

He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and
asks, “Do YOU know what Easter is?”
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St.
Peter in the eyes, “I know what Easter is.”

“Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously.

“Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with
the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his
disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was
later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of
his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and
he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of
thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his
hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which
was sealed off by a large boulder.”

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

Then the third blonde continues…”Every year the
boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and,
if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of
winter!”