Category: catholics

One day, this guy dies. Having not been the very best person, he
goes to hell. The first thing he sees is a huge, glamorous
hotel. So he goes there to check in. Insides there’s a lot of
beatiful women, free drinks, it’s just one continious party. Then
he goes outside, where there’s the most beautiful and huge garde
he’s ever seen. As he comes to a wall marking the edge of the
garden, he sees a a small hole in it. Looking out, he is
astonished to see people being tortured in the worst way on the
other side, boiling oil and flames everywhere. Picture real
hell, and you got what he sees. So he asks a guy who’s just
passing by on his side:
Say, if this where we are is hell, what’s that on the other side?
The other guy anwsers:
Well, that’s the Catholics, they want it that way.

A nun at a catholic school was going around her class asking the students
what they wanted to become when they grow up.

“I want to be a Firefighter!” said Johnny.

“I want to be a Secretary!” said Nicole.

“I’m going to be a Lawyer!” said Andrew.

The class went on like this, and finally, it came to be Katie’s turn, and
she proudly said, “I’m going to be a Prostitute!”

With this, the nun fainted dead on the floor, and when she came to, she
looked into the crowd, found Katie, and asked, “WHAT did you say?”

“I said I want to be a Prostitute!”

“Thank God! I thought you said you were going to be a protestant!”

Walking home with a hangover one Sunday morning, a man
discovered he’d lost his hat. He decided the easiest way to
replace it was to go to church and steal one from the cloakroom.

Once inside, he heard a sermon on the Ten Commandments. After
the sermon, he said to the minister, “I want you to know that
you saved me from crime. I came here to steal a hat, but after
hearing you, I decided not to.”

“Wonderful,” said the minister. “What did I say that changed
your mind?”

“Well,” said the man, “when you got to the part about committing
adultery, I remembered where I left my hat.”

A new nun goes to her first confession.

She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The
priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity
of the confessional.

She says, “Father, I never wear panties under my habit.”

The priest chuckles and says, “That’s not so serious, Sister
Bernadette.

Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels
on your way to the altar.”

A deeply religious and very poor man heards the Pope is coming
to a city near where he lives. The man decides to sell all his
belongings and buy a beautiful suit and take a bus to the city.

The man stands by the side of the road on the first day of a
parade and sees the Pope in his Pope-mobile. Much to his delight
the Pope stops his Pope-mobile and gets out.

The Pope walks directly towards him and the man is
overjoyed…but then the Pope walks past and whispers into a
tramp’s ear and walks away.

The man talks to a tramp and offers his beautiful suit and the
little money in his pocket to him for the tramp’s smelly, ragged
clothes. The tramp quickly agrees.

The next day the man, wearing the tramp’s clothes, sits in
exactly the same spot as the tramp did. The Pope-mobile comes
down the street and sure enough it stops and the Pope gets out.

The pope walks directly over to the man and bends over to
whisper in his ear and says, “Didn’t I tell you yesterday to get
the fuck out of here?!”

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There
he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat “you lived a
good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven
more comfortable, please let me know.” The cat thinks for a
moment and says “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor
family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.” The Lord stops
the cat and says, “say no more.” And a wonderful fluffy pillow
appears.

A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident
and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to greet them
with the same offer. The mice answer, “All of our lives we have
been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women
with brooms. Running, running, running; we’re tired of running.
Do you think we could have roller skates so we don’t have to run
anymore?” The Lord says, “Say no more.” and fits each mouse with
beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds
him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and
asks him, “How are things since you are here?” The cat stretches
and yawns and replies, “It is wonderful here. Better than I
could have ever expected. And those ‘Meals On Wheels’ you’ve
been sending by are theeeeeeeee best!!!”

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, “Bless me
father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”

The Priest says, “Is that you, Tommy?

Tommy says “Yes father, it’s me.”

The Priest says “Who was the woman you were with?”

Tommy says “I cannot tell you, father, because I don’t want
to ruin her reputation.”

The priest asks, “Was it Brenda O’Malley?”

Tommy replies “No, father.”

The priest asks, “Was it Fiona MacDonald?”

Tommy replies “No.”

The priest asks, “Was it Ann Brown?”

Tommy replies “No.”

The priest asks, “Was it Mary Elizabeth O’Shea?”

Tommy replies “No, father.”

The priest asks, “Was it Amy Thomas?”

Tommy replies “No, father.”

The priest asks, “Was it little Cathy Morgan?”

Tommy replies “NO father! I cannot tell you.”

The priest finally says, “Tommy, I admire your perseverance,
but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four
‘Our Fathers’ and five ‘Hail Mary’s’. Now go back to your
seat.”

Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over
and whispers, “What happened?!”

“Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Mary, and six
good leads.”

Once there was a little boy named Johnny who was three years old. When it
was Palm Sunday, he couldn’t wait to go to church to find out what Palm
Sunday was. But sadly, Johnny came down with the chickenpox. His parents
hired a baby-sitter to take care of Johnny while they went to church. When
they came home holding palm leaves, Johnny asked, “What are the palm tree
leaves for mommie?” She replied, “When Jesus walked through the town,
people waved palm leaves at him in respect.” Johnny looked upset and said,
“Wouldn’t ya know? The first day I’m not in church, he shows up!”

Leaders of the Evangelical Laodicean Church in America last week
announced the publication of a new hymnal. “This is truly a
hymnal for the new century,” said Presiding Bishop Luke W. Armm.

“This collection of hymns really captures the essence of our
tradition,” Bishop Armm explained. “At the core of our belief is
the motto, ‘Moderation in all things,’ and that applies to our
faith life as well. We just don’t like to get carried away.”

When asked if the new hymnal will help the Laodicean Church
attract new members, Bishop Armm replied, “Yeah, sure. You
Betcha! People in today’s society get kind of uncomfortable with
too much talk about things like commitment and dedication.
They’d much rather have a religion that they can turn on or off
at will. Our church seeks to pander–uh…I mean–meet that
need. This hymnal will help with that, I think.”

Editor in chief of the new hymnal, Priscilla (“Presh”) S.
Moment, explained some of the difficulty the committee had in
choosing hymns. “Many of the old favorites just won’t cut it
among Laodiceans,” said Moment. “We had to change a lot of the
wording to make them fit with our style. We tried to incorporate
some new songs into the book, but we had trouble finding
Laodiceans interested in writing new music. Oh, well!”

The title of the new hymnal, Church Songs, was chosen very
carefully, explained Moment. “We didn’t want to turn anybody off
with threatening words that no one understands any more like
‘Worship’ or ‘Hymn.'”

Here is a partial list of titles included in the new Laodicean
hymnal:

I Surrender Some
There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings
Fill My Spoon, Lord
Oh, How I like Jesus
He’s Quite a Bit to Me
I Love to Talk about Telling the Story
Take My Life and Let Me Be
It Is My Secret What God Can Do
There Is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
Onward, Christian Reservists
Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
Just as I Pretend to Be
When the Saints Go Sneaking in
Sit Up, Sit up for Jesus
A Comfy Mattress Is Our God
Self-esteem to the World! The Lord Is Come
Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing
Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
Go Tell it on the Speed Bump
Special, Special, Special
Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word
Praise God from Whom All Affirmations Flow
My Hope Is Built on Nothing Much
O, God, Our Enabler in Ages past
I Lay My Inappropriate Behaviors on Jesus
Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me
All Hail the Influence of Jesus’ Name!
When Peace, like a Trickle
I’m Fairly Certain That My Redeemer Lives
We Give Thee but Still Think We Own
What an Acquaintence We Have in Jesus
My Faith Looks Around for Thee
Blessed Hunch
Above Average Is Thy Faithfulness
We Are Milling Around in the Light of God
Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somwhere near Me
Blest Be the Tie That Doesn’t Cramp My Style
Joyful, Joyful, We Kinda Like Thee
Just as I Am, with Lots of Excuses
Be Thou My Hobby
Spirit of God, Decend upon Their Hearts

Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another and
decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were.

The first nun says, “My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out
for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the
money I earn into the poor box.”

The second nun says, “My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I
take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid
week.”

The third just sits there quietly.

So the first nun says to her, “Come on, we’ve told you our worst
sins. Now you have to tell us yours.”

The third nun says, “My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I
can’t wait to get off this train!”

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in
the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men
found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St.
Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

“Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Due to the fact that Heaven is now
overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people
entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know
or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then
you’ll come with me to Hell.”

The philosopher then stepped up, “OK, give me the most comprehensive
report on Socrates’ teachings.” With a snap of his finger, a stack of
paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it
was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the
philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, “Give me the most complicated formula you
can ever think of!” With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper
appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly
agreed it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his
finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!” The Devil
brought forward a chair. “Drill 7 holes on the seat.” The Devil did just
that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from?”

The Devil inspected the seat and said, “The third hole from the right.”

“Wrong,” said the idiot, “it’s from my asshole.” And the idiot went to
Heaven.

Holy mother full of grace,
Bless my boyfriends gorgeous face.
Bless his hair that tends to curl,
keep him safe from all the girls.
Bless His dick the one I sucked,
And bless the bed in which we fucked.
And if my mom happened to walk in,
Bless the shit I’d be in.