Category: business

How many blonde jokes are there?

Just one.The others are true.

An inventor goes into a bank and asks the Banker for a loan to help him maufacture a new product. The Banker tells him he needs to see the product, first.

The man pulls a small envelope out of his pocket and empties the contents, an orange powder, onto the desk. “That’s my invention!” “You dump this onto a womans pussy and it makes it taste like ORANGES! FRESH SQUEEZED ORANGES! He shouts.

The banker is not impressed. He says, “That’s obscene, I won’t loan the banks money on something like that! GET OUT!

The inventor leaves, but the next week he’s back and makes a $5,000 deposit. The next day he deposits $10,000. The thrid day it’s $20,000. The banker sees this and apologizes to the man.

The inventor tells him, “No, you where right! I was wrong. You straightened me out. I’ve come up with someting much better and I owe it all to you! That’s why I using your bank!”

The banker asks what his new invention is. The guy smiles and pulls out another small envelope and dumps this pink powder out on his desk. “You see that?” he says, “That’s my new product! You just sprinkle that on an ORANGE…….”

Mere unassisted merit advances slowly, if it advances at all.

YOU KNOW YOU WORK IN CORPORATE AMERICA IF …

You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies

Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket

Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um

You order your business cards in “half orders” instead of whole boxes

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise

You learn about your layoff on CNN

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries’ annual budgets combined

You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive

It’s dark when you drive to and from work

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else

Communication is something your group is having problems with

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple

Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home

Being sick is defined as can’t walk or you’re in the hospital

Art involves a white board

You’re already late on the assignment you just got

You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say “Oh wow, thanks!”

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read only by your co-workers

Your boss’ favorite lines are, “When you get a few minutes” or “When you’re freed up”

Your boss’ second favorite lines are, “…this isn’t exactly what we need. It may be what we asked for, but things have changed.”

Vacation is something you rollover to next year, or you try to use up three weeks between Christmas and New Years because otherwise you will lose it, or you get a check for it every January

Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers”

Change is the norm

The only reason you recognize your kids and friends is because their pictures are hanging in your cube

You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting

You read this entire list and understood it.

Any producing entity is the last to use its own product.

If you file it, you’ll know where it is but never need it. If you don’t file it, you’ll need it but never know where it is.

Don’t force it, get a bigger hammer.

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes….#1,#2,#3. “Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” the departing CEO said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”

Morris, the new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press — and Wall Street — responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”

Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.

If at first you don’t succeed, blame it on your supervisor.

A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the secretary. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the paralegal. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.

“You’re next,” the Genie says to the partner.

The partner says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. – Franklin D. Roosevelt