Yours Fun Portal !
Paddy and Mick shared first prize of $500,000 in the Irish Sweepstakes and were celebrating their winnings over a jar of stout.
“But Paddy, Oi’ve been thinking,” Mick said with a worried frown, “what will we do with all them beggin’ letters?”
“Shure,” said Paddy, “we’ll go on sending ’em out.”
YOU KNOW YOU WORK IN CORPORATE AMERICA IF …
You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies
Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro
Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket
Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um
You order your business cards in “half orders” instead of whole boxes
When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie
You get really excited about a 2% pay raise
You learn about your layoff on CNN
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes
You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries’ annual budgets combined
You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive
It’s dark when you drive to and from work
Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else
Communication is something your group is having problems with
You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor
Free food left over from meetings is your main staple
Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home
Being sick is defined as can’t walk or you’re in the hospital
Art involves a white board
You’re already late on the assignment you just got
You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say “Oh wow, thanks!”
Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read only by your co-workers
Your boss’ favorite lines are, “When you get a few minutes” or “When you’re freed up”
Your boss’ second favorite lines are, “…this isn’t exactly what we need. It may be what we asked for, but things have changed.”
Vacation is something you rollover to next year, or you try to use up three weeks between Christmas and New Years because otherwise you will lose it, or you get a check for it every January
Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers”
Change is the norm
The only reason you recognize your kids and friends is because their pictures are hanging in your cube
You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting
You read this entire list and understood it.
Any producing entity is the last to use its own product.
An inventor goes into a bank and asks the Banker for a loan to help him maufacture a new product. The Banker tells him he needs to see the product, first.
The man pulls a small envelope out of his pocket and empties the contents, an orange powder, onto the desk. “That’s my invention!” “You dump this onto a womans pussy and it makes it taste like ORANGES! FRESH SQUEEZED ORANGES! He shouts.
The banker is not impressed. He says, “That’s obscene, I won’t loan the banks money on something like that! GET OUT!
The inventor leaves, but the next week he’s back and makes a $5,000 deposit. The next day he deposits $10,000. The thrid day it’s $20,000. The banker sees this and apologizes to the man.
The inventor tells him, “No, you where right! I was wrong. You straightened me out. I’ve come up with someting much better and I owe it all to you! That’s why I using your bank!”
The banker asks what his new invention is. The guy smiles and pulls out another small envelope and dumps this pink powder out on his desk. “You see that?” he says, “That’s my new product! You just sprinkle that on an ORANGE…….”
Mere unassisted merit advances slowly, if it advances at all.
If you file it, you’ll know where it is but never need it. If you don’t file it, you’ll need it but never know where it is.
Don’t force it, get a bigger hammer.
Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes….#1,#2,#3. “Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” the departing CEO said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”
Morris, the new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press — and Wall Street — responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
If at first you don’t succeed, blame it on your supervisor.
A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”
“Me first! Me first!” says the secretary. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.
“Me next! Me next!” says the paralegal. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.
“You’re next,” the Genie says to the partner.
The partner says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
He who shouts the loudest has the floor.