Category: business

There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1 – Don’t tell people everything you know.

Astrology Laws: It’s always the wrong time of the month. – Rozanne Weissman

Here’s a little clarification of corporate lingo.
“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: ” You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:” You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:” You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:” Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.

“I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:”I’ve used Microsoft Office.

“I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:” I pilfer office supplies.

“MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:” I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

“I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:” I blame others for my mistakes.

“I’M PERSONABLE:” I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

“I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:” I carry a Day-Timer.

“I AM ADAPTABLE:” I’ve changed jobs a lot.

“I AM ON THE GO:” I’m never at my desk.

“I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:” The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.

“I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:” Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for your form letter thanking me “for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career”.

Oliver’s Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

A stagnant science is at a standstill.

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
“Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We’re short-handed, Smith” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says Smith “I knew I could count on you!”

Things You Wish You Could Say at Work, but Probably Shouldn’t

Well, aren’t we just a ray of @#$%-ing sunshine?

Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.

Do I look like a @#$%-ing people person?

This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

You! Off my planet!!

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

When a politician gets an idea, he usually gets it wrong.

It is later than you think.

Real programmers print only clean compiles.

Never put all your eggs in your pocket.

How many blonde jokes are there?

Just one.The others are true.