Category: business

Gordon’s Object Lifespan Theorem: No matter the amount of care given the purchased object, it will fuse/explode/disassemble within three days of warranty expiration.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

The faster the plane, the narrower the seats.

Always listen to experts. They’ll tell what can’t be done and why. Then do it.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they’re destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

An American earned some bonus from his work and he thought he deserved a hunting trip to Canada. When he came to Canada he popped in a hunting store for renting a hunting dog. Before he left, he asked the boss what the dog’s name was, the boss told him the dog’s name is “Sales”.

During the hunting, Sales was so great, he barked when he saw quarries. He never stopped chasing them until he got them. No need to say, the American really got a bunch of quarries when he’s done this hunting trip.

Couple years after then, this American earned another big bonus again. So he thought about the Canada hunting trip again. Of course he went to the same hunting store to rent that dog named Sales as soon as he arrived Canada. However, the boss told him they didn’t call him Sales any more. Just because of his excellent performance, they called him “Manager” now. At the very same moment, the boss pointed to one corner of the store and told the American, ” Now he does nothing but barks at that corner everyday.”

It’s difficult to work in a group when you’re omnipotent.

Canada Bill Jones’s Motto: It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

Never buy from a rich salesman.

This “law” has been intentionally left blank.

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, “I forgot my teeth.”

The man said, “No problem.” With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. “Try these,” he said.

The speaker tried them. “Too loose,” he said.

The man then said, “I have another pair…try these.”

The speaker tried them and responded, “Too tight.”

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, “I have one more paid of false teeth…try them.”

The speaker said, “They fit perfectly.” With that he ate his meal and gave his address.

After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

“I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.”

The man replied, “I’m not a dentist. I’m the local undertaker.”

Bierman’s Laws of Contracts: (1) In any given document, you can’t cover all the “what if’s”. (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved “what if’s”. (3) Every resolved “what if” creates two unresolved “what if’s”.