Category: business

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. Well, one day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, “Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open.”

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.

Calling her in, he asked, “By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?”

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, “Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.”

A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.

There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.

An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following:

“Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it’s any good, I’ll send you a check.”

In a short time he received the following reply: “Please send check. If it’s any good, we’ll send the engine.”

At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable.

If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.

An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.The Japanese team won by a mile.Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of “Executives” was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that “too many people were steering and not enough rowing.” To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to “4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager” and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. “We must give him empowerment and enrichment.” That ought to do it.The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

The best laid plans of mice and men are usually equal.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

As they say in Beirut, Shiite happens.

The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.