Category: business

Never volunteer for anything.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

I have run out of sick leave, so I’m calling in dead.

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ‘BEST DEALS.’

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading ‘LOWEST PRICES.’

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read ‘MAIN ENTRANCE’.

I guy comes running into his home to greet his wife. “Hunney, hunney, pack your bags, I just won the lottery.” She gasps with excitement and replies, “should i pack for warm or cold weather?” he replies, “I don’t care, just get the fuck out.”

Instruction Booklet Governing Principle: Instruction booklets are lost by the Goods Delivery Service. If not, they are listed in four languages: Japanese, Thai, Swahili, and Mongol.

If everything seems to be going well, you obviously do not know what the hell is going on.

It just doesn’t get any Beta than this.

Have you flogged your crew today?

-Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a �26,000 phone bill.

-They’ve won the Readers Digest Sweepstake three years running.

-When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.

-They seem strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

-They mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeeez!” 295 times during the movie “The

Net.”

-Their bank account receives a massive �400,000 contribution made

in half-penny increments.

-Their video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among

turn-ons.

-Instead of the “Welcome” voice on AOL, you overhear, “Good

Morning, Mr./Mrs. President.”

-You hear them murmur, “Let’s see you use that VISA card now,

The trouble with doing right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was!

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. Well, one day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, “Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open.”

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.

Calling her in, he asked, “By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?”

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, “Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.”