Category: business

For the past three years, the government has worked hard and spent many tax dollars to find the approval ratings for unemployment.They have concluded that a 7% unemployment level is acceptable to 93% of the working population.Now let’s just hope that the unemployment rate doesn’t change.

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, “Say, why did the foreman fire you?”Replied the second, “Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman.”

Due to the current financial situation, changes will be made to the Business Travel Standards and Procedures Manual.
Effective Monday the following revised procedures apply:

Lodging
———-
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

Transportation
—————-
Hitch-hiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

Meals
——-
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, Costco, and Sam’s Club often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use “all you can eat” salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group.

Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation.

Miscellaneous
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All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods, which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.

We welcome any suggestions for further cost cutting.

Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

Extremes meet.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.

Am I good at delegating? You Bet! I always find someone to blame!

“A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.”

— Marty Allen

I’m picturing lovely ribbons winding like candy canes down the iron

bars, and useful storage containers she’s built that glide easily below

her bunk bed in which she’ll store sheets and linens from K-Mart’s

going-out-of-business sale.

The lone toilet will be transformed into a bouquet spilling over with

toilet paper flowers, into which a trickling cascade of water will flow

from the sink in a bird bath-like fashion, in an effort to attract sparrows

through the open bars of her window.

Once trapped in her cell, the sparrows will be slowly roasted with

matches for which Martha will have gotten by beating up her cellmate.

They will be stuffed with acorns found in the prison courtyard. I hear

it’s Martha’s intention to collect enough birds to offer a Thanksgiving

feast to all those who continue to subscribe to her magazine, even

while in prison, although she has asked that each of them commit

to a year of service as part of her newly appointed staff.

I believe she plans to save all the rolls from her dinner tray to build a

decorative wall between her bed and that of her cellmate, as Sam

Waksal’s taste clashes wildly with hers.

Her future plans include melting down the gold she plans to collect

from the teeth of other inmates, with which she will guild invitations

to her own escape. With a spoon she has forged into the shape of a

melon baller, Martha plans to scoop out marble-sized bits of her cell

floor until she has made it safely under the prison walls to freedom.

Any prison guards in pursuit will lose their footing immediately on the

thousands of marbles she plans to leave in her wake, each one

perfectly round.

As a parting gesture, Martha plans to moon the prison. Tattooed on

her cheeks is written: “It’s a good thing.”

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.

People specialize in their area of greatest weakness.