Category: business

What happens when people of different occupations get old.- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

There was a man who walked up to the bartender talking to his hand the bartender says i have a cell phone installed in my hand the bartender says whatever the man asks where the bathroom is the bartender points to it a half an hour later the man is still not back from the bathroom yet so the bartender goes to check on him the man is lying down on the floor with his pants down holding a roll of toilet paper the bartender says what the hell are you doing the man replies “reicieving a fax”

A short line outside a building becomes a long line inside.

Teacher:How on earth can you write ‘wire’ with 2 r’s?

John:With a pen,miss.

Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you’ve created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of “business,” there’s no telling how far you’ll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.

Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey.

Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria.

Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, “Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now’s a great time to buy, I tell ya!”

Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, “Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining… Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now’s a great time to buy, I tell ya!”

Appearance: You are at your computer writing a serious business memorandum to your department supervisior.

Reality: You are at your computer telling dead-baby jokes to your e-mail correspondent in Namibia.

Appearance: You are urgently plugging numbers into a complicated spreadsheet.

Reality: You are playing Tetris.

Appearance: You are tapping away on calculator keys, helping out the accounting department.

Reality: You are paying your electric bill.

Appearance: You are reading the DOS manual.

Reality: You are reading the TV guide you placed in the DOS manual.

Appearance: You are staring at an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep thought.

Reality: You have pressed “Escape” just in time, erasing a MacDraw portrait entitled “Supervisor with Pitchfork Wound Clinging to a Cliff”

It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn’t too good either if you speak when your head is empty.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear

weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one

within city limits.

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.
The ensign’s efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, “My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules — make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way!”

We sometimes get all the information, but we refuse to get the message.

Tact is the art of convincing people that they know more than they do.

If there is light at the end of the tunnel…order more tunnel.